Frustration

Today has been very frustrating. My head is still in the midst of a stupor. I have felt incredibly tense and in need of oxygen. I can't stop yawning and I am sure that it is because my body needs reenergising. If I was feeling happier, I'd go for a run but I am too frightened of collapsing.

Yesterday I was noise intolerant yet today I needed to thrash so electric guitar and 'stairway to heaven'. I have taught myself the melody to Hallelujah but I can't get to grips with the chords. I'll get Stuart to tab them. It will be good to have an incentive to practice broken chords. I haven't managed to master them yet.

Spent the afternoon praying for tennis and editing children's videos. ICT club have not exactly excelled themselves this year but then they are a lot younger than normal ( no year sixes this year). still the 'spy pigs' have worked well nd now that they have a soundtrack ( James Bond and Kool and the Gang) it feels much more professional.

Family have been frustrating too. Ant has gone on and on and on and on about the house today. I know I am not in the right mood to deal with decisions but I had to keep reminding him. The Danish lady has come back with another message...when the results of the survey on her house are back she will offer. Fingers crossed.

Ant wanted to book a holiday for when the kids break up but he'd forgotten we have sent the passports to the Immigration office. He's trying to make plans to keep himself focussed, like going paragliding or doing a spot of decorating but frankly he's not well enough ( new antibiotics) and hasn't the motivation.

C is still suffering. Everyday she comes out of school complaining about someone or other, usually the teacher, and gets miffy when we suggest that she needs to deal with it! She is very clingy, something I could do without, and needs lots of reassurance. She's been really good at thinking her way through things, finding something to take her mind off her troubles, but she's refusing to consider anything at the moment. Making the flowers helped but she won't try on her own and I am still trying to finish up my work.

I need a good scream, a good rage, a release of tension.

Dad went to his 'coffee morning' today. Seems he enjoyed himself, lots of ladies to pay him attention. Mum brought him over on the way home but he didn't know where he was or who we were. It's quite sweet really, like dealing with a child discovering things for the first time.

I edited the video of the year one talent show today. I was going to delete the end, where Neil does the thanks but decided to watch it first. Glad I did as Veronica was on it, enjoying every moment. I still can't believe she's gone. She was such an integral part of Elleray and gave her all for us ( quite literally) It was lovely that Mark could come on Friday but you could see how much he felt that she should be there. I was talking to Heidi today aout her father in law who has cancer too and has gone downhill in exactly the way Vron did. 15 days is no time at all to say goodbye.

I have retired to our room to update this, to get away from Harry Potter on the wii and to avoid C's tantrum. I feel guilty but I know that they can all have my undivided attention in a few short days. I just need to keep myself calm and safe for now.

Thought so

You Are 84% Tortured Genius

You totally fit the profile of a tortured genius. You're uniquely brilliant - and completely misunderstood. Not like you really want anyone to understand you anyway. You're pretty happy being an island.

Are You a Tortured Genius?

Today's head is off the line. Not surprising really but unfortunate nevertheless.

Yesterday I had to deal with Caitlin's head too. Having told the new psych that we were moving and wouldn't be seeing him again, and that C was dealing well with her head, she had her first all nighter. Trouble was she was at Nanny's, I'd left for work before she got up and she needed her mum. She phoned us at 1am and again at 3am in tears because she couldn't sleep. It's a normal part of being bipolar and you learn to live with it, but it's still difficult when it's your kids going through it.

Subsequently, we went to get them both early yesterday morning and I spent the day with her, shopping for Roo's birthday and then curled up on the sofa watching Labyrinth, and finally making flower brooches for leaving pressies whilst watching Doctor Who. She needed support and comfort and a focus but it was a struggle for me. She managed to get some sleep last night, though I stayed up late working on the photos for prize day and avoiding going to bed.

We went over to Maria and Enda's for lunch. We've finally got them to send their kids to Elleray, to get Helena away from the bullies at her school. Enda will be a fab Elleray dad. He is so honest and will tell it like it is! This time he said he loved the school, it felt like being part of a family, everyone was happy, interested, accommodating. Everyone, except the head! Enda said he felt very uncomfortable with all the pie in the sky aspirations and felt that our Head didn't know anything about the school. Good to get a parent's eye view. He's right. Ben is going about changing things without actually knowing what works, or how Elleray works. That is really disappointing!

I had to come away from lunch because the atmosphere was so tense. I think Enda was gloating coz he's got his way about the kids going to private school and Maria was feeling murderous!

My class are web stars. I got an idea from French Toast Girl about being phantom chalkers and tried it out with my class. I've sent her the photos and she's posted them on her website. So we are famous.

WWW.FRENCHTOASTGIRL.COM

Absent friends

The end of term is always busy and this year is no different, but for some good reasons.

Last night I was treated to my leaving do. It was supposed to be a BIG secret. I knew it was happening but I didn't know what the event was going to be. I was chauffeur driven to Wendy's house to change in to the obligatory posh frock, then driven by a black tied gentleman ( thanks Bob) to a hotel in Windermere for a drink, then onto the jetty where a Lake cruiser was bedecked w ith pictures of kiwis! The team enjoyed a three hour cruise around the Lake, complete with dinner, drinks, chocolate cake, balloons, oh and Alex's chest. It was commented that I usually have the low cut tops on, but only at work! I couldn't compete with her.






The whole evening was lovely! The right people were there ( and the senior senior management but they were very quiet). Even my darling Stuart came over for drinks, though I think he was at his least comfortable. Us IT geeks have to stick together though , and the gift from him and Richard was beautiful.

I only gave a little speech, focussing on friendship, teamwork, family and joy, but I think I got my point across, and didn't cry.


I will post more when I have a minute. I have thank you cards and presents to sort out!

Found it!

Charles Hazlewood Radio Two 22.00 20th June

TRACK: Hallelujah
COMPOSER: Leonard Cohen
ARTIST: Iestyn Davies / Charles Hazlewood

Pay it forward

This email reply says what this post needs to.

Hey honey,

Something is conspiring against me today. I have tried three times to write this email. The first version was brilliant, witty, incisive and so blisteringly well written it was worthy of a Booker Prize. It was lost somewhere in the ether, when my session on AOL expired. This will give you some idea of how long it took to write.

I resolved to use Word, only for a fatal error to occur.


Third time lucky.


As you probably have gathered, I don’t tend to do things by halves, so when you reminded me of my blogging past, it was only a matter of time before I started again. And then of course it would become an obsession, not to mention a perfect means of procrastination. I have lost hours recently, not posting, but following links from my favourite blogs, to their favourites and so on. And don’t get me started on Blogthings!

I had forgotten just why I started the site in the first place. It has been really cathartic this last fortnight and for that I must thank you. The first few posts this time were obviously more of a conversation, or at very least an attempted explanation of some of the stuff my addled brain could not voice when I saw you ( and a good excuse to look at some of my photos again). But having the chance to write, reflect and sometimes resolve many of my issues, and vent my frustrations and angst, in a personal, if not particularly private, way, has been a revelation.

In some ways it worried me to know that someone was reading this stuff but frankly, I don’t think it’s affecting what I write. Maybe it’s making me more honest about what I post ( about most things) because I don’t want to lie to myself or anyone else.

Hearing that song must be a coincidence. I’m sure it wasn’t the Jeff Buckley version; I have that on the So Real album. This was on a programme about castratos and falsettos on radio 2 and was sung purely in falsetto. It was so haunting I nearly had to stop the car. I’ll have to do a search for it on the net. I love Grace too. I remember you mentioning it. It is stunning and I love the guitar rhythm in it. I’m going to get my guitar teacher to tab out some of the chords for me.

I promise you did and said nothing that I need to remind you of last weekend, although I might just remind you of the text you sent me, since I do feel the same way, if not more so!

Last night’s anxiety hasn’t yet lifted. I have struggled through school today, but everyone else feels the same. I hugged one colleague because she looked so upset (and coz I felt so bad) and she then paid it forward. I think that hug went right around the school by lunchtime. Luckily my class figured out quite quickly that I was not to be messed with today, though the senior management were not so sympathetic.

I am sure there is more I need to say but as I don’t have your email in front of me I shall call it a day before I lose this version. I may post this on th eblog as it seems to say what I need to post today too.


Thank you for reminding me that I do matter, occasionally!

Love you loads

Jo

P.S. The trick with Blogthings is to refresh the page if you get a result you don’t like. Some of them, like the artwork, don’t change, but others do. The superheroine just struck a chord, especially given Roo’s new haircut. We are going for an even shorter style next!

Feeling shite!

I was in Asda's this evening with C on the first karate run, when I suddenly felt my head go.I haven't had such a weird turn in a long time. I've been taking my meds, haven't drunk anything for months ( apart from a week and a half ago) and have been feeling pretty stable. I am proud of my self for being aware that something was happening but I am so sorry that other people had to deal with me. I've snapped at Caitlin for slurping her coke too loudly, and had to pretend to my dad that everything was OK.

I feel so weak, shaky, incapable of anything. Maybe I am physiologically ill but knowing me I doubt it. My heart is pounding; it almost feels like a panic attack in the making. I'm hoping that writing this will give me something to focus on, to prevent a full scale meltdown. Anton will, of course, say that this always happens when he's away. Certainly on Mondays I tend to be more unsettled if he's working away, but then I have usually spent a day pottering aimlessly. This time, it's different. I have the sort of tunnel vision I have experienced in the past, and all my relaxation techniques are failing to deal with the palpitations.

The kids have been so good. I told Roo I was wobbling and might not appreciate his fidgetting and he just got the magnetix out and built quietly. Caitlin has offered me a coffee and then taken her brother off to bed. God I love them . I feel so guilty for being such a mess. I do sometimes feel they would do better without me, but then who would C turn to when her head goes off the lines?

This was supposed to help me focus. I just feel more of a failure now. I'll find a picture and head off to bed. Maybe an early (ish) night will allow me to recover.

Weakness????

Your Superhero Profile

Your Superhero Name is The Ghost Punisher Your Superpower is Electrocution Your Weakness is Bald People Your Weapon is Your Thunder Dagger Your Mode of Transportation is Rocket

What's your Superhero Name?

You could hear the cheer in space!

You Are Buffy the Vampire Slayer

"We saved the world. I say we have to party."

What Superheroine Are You?

Caitlin found this excellent blogthing. She ended up being Trinity from the Matrix.

I went through my choices, expecting to be Batgirl but then....

YES, YES, YES, YES, YES!!!!!!!!

Oh and miraculously Henman won 13-11 in the fifth... but not in time for me to watch the end of the match at school before picking the kids up

How am I supposed to concentrate?

Usually the tennis is a calm background to the writing of reports. Not tonight! Bloody Tim Henman can't win a match in less than five sets and it is so bloody stressful. I have at least written 4/12 literacy reports and the juices are beginning to flow. Please get it over with!


Shit, another deuce!

And another!

Match point Henman!
Deuce!

Ad Moya

Game Moya! Bugger!

How on earth can they go off now? Bad light my foot! It's only 9.15! Wooses!

Must stop now!

Star Wars Horoscope for Scorpio

You are a powerful character. You tend to be possessive and lusty - which explains your greedy nature. You feel threatened when people try to order you around or control you. You are prone to suspicion and jealousy - but your resilience and passion get you what you want. Star wars character you are most like: Han Solo

What Is Your Star Wars Horoscope?

Now that sounds right!

The kids are R2D2 and Luke Skywalker, but which is which?

I really should be writing reports!!!!!

Your Passion is Red!

You've got that spark - a good dose of intensity, power, and determination. You do whatever you want in life ... to hell with what anyone thinks! With so many interests and loves, you're always running around doing something new. You have fire in your eyes, and it shows. Bet you're even wearing something red!

What Type of Passionate Woman Are You?

I wish. Or maybe...

Before and After

Before!


After!

How gorgeous is he!

It's gone

The official residency application went today.


I wish I could feel more excited about it.


And it's raining at Wimbledon!

The Drums aren't coming!!!

Spent the day in Blackpool. It started weird and got worse. Anton suggested we visit the Dr Who exhibition but when we got there he announced he thought it was the one based on the new series, rather than the older Doctors. The kids and I have already been to Manchester to the new one ( and need to return sometime for the newer creatures)

So he started disappointed. The exhibition was actually rather good; I loved the Dr costumes, especially the scarf, and there are some regeneration videos which sparked many memories. So did Bessie!

He then announced he really wasn't feeling well. So just like normal then!

After lunch however he insisted on dragging us to the Pleasure beach. I really didn't see the point. Caitlin hates rides. Reuben loves them but is too small for the big ones and Ant wasn't feeling up to going on one. I love them now ( adrenalin kick) but it's difficult with kids etc in tow. He gave the kids a choice of rides...Roo chose a Mario Racing amusement game and C went on a very long winded car 'driving' ride at half a mile an hour. Boy did I need caffeine!

Got back to the car to find a parking ticket. My fault for misreading the time on it but this led to three hours of silence and drumming. There is no such thing as quiet in this house. The incessant irish drumming really hits a nerve, but mention it and he carries on louder!

I'm trying to concentrate on writing reports (due in on Tuesday) but it's impossible. I need an absence of stimulation for the juices to flow. I'd like to sit in Costas all day tomorrow, laptop in hand, but I have been told we are filling in the BIG APPLICATION FORM!!!

I've already spent nearly a whole day correcting his mistakes on the original application. I kinda feel unimportant unless I'm pushing paper for him. I'm facing a very emotional two weeks at work and he can't see why. He will just argue that it's my head talking again. Maybe it is but it's still a valid feeling.

Hmm! I have this feeling that this has become a rambling rant. Not sure that is a good idea! Probably the wrong time of the month to be posting! Might explain my very odd thoughts of late...or a distinct lack of caffeine ( see above).

Feeling rather lost, underwhelmed, unappreciated and unsupported

Highs and Lows

Caitlin has had a hard day today. Her mood has vacillated wildly. She began by lying about having breakfast. She said she had had some, but hadn't. After her trip to Arnside she has been more conscious of her tummy. I wonder what was said to her, though she won't talk about it.

We went searching for Roo's birthday presents and for a suitable 'trophy' for my new Award for Creative Thinking at school. Her tone changed by the minute, up one minute, sobbing the next, the usual really, probably due to her lack of breakfast. We did find a trophy. My heart was set on something wooden, a sculpture or a puzzle . But then we stumbled across the perfet thing; a nepalese singing bowl. I'd never been in the Tiger's Eye shop before so obviously it was fate. The assistant used to work with Jo Williams at Over Kellet and another customer knew Carla. Concidence? I like to think not! My 'prize' needed to be quirky but this is so suitable. The stuffed shirts will see a cup ( OK so not a traditional one) whilst we will know it is something special! It really made me tingle, so I knew it was right.

When C and I walked home, she got very emotional about Grandad. He had forgotten mum's name yesterday and thought I was his granddaughter. Ant says we shouldn't put him on the spot; just tell him, or mention each other by name so he has a clue. She needed a big cuddle and a good cry. She wants to know how long he's got and says that he isn't really her grandad any more. She wants the old one back.

We went to see Sara and Jess in their dance show. Jess was superb, a five year old bossy boots, telling her tutued mates what to do. Sara's cancan was a sight. I shall never look at her in the same light again...and neither will Anton, once he took his eyes off the well developed girl who should not have been wearing a tutu. There comes an age...

C gave Jess a little rabbit but got upset because she didn't know how to get it to her. Usually she is mega confident but wouldn't go backstage. We waited and saw Jess and Sara so C was OK but still wobbly.

She has so much on her mind; grandad, selling the house, moving, leaving school, daddy's health, her tummy, how to kill Bethany!. Who'd be a kid? I try to keep her in the loop. She may only be nine but she needs to feel a sense of control just like I do. Ant is talking about booking flights even without selling the house.

I have an appointment to see C's new psych on Friday. At least they have agreed there is something there but I don't see what they can do to help until she is older and needs meds like me. At least this way there is evidence of our concern so in the next few years we hopefully won't have to fight like I did.

The doctor versus the master. Round one to the master, greater charisma, superb smile and totally off his head....cool!

Not a care in the world...freedom

This week...

Turmoil, isolation, endings, sadness, this week has been a struggle. Today my dad didn't know who I was. Up till today mum and I were the only ones in the family he could name easily. Today he hid it well and made a joke but could only remember that I was his daughter. Which one he wasn't sure. He really has no idea what is happening, he is just confused, frustrated, a shadow of the man he was.
Mum finally admitted that she wanted her old husband back, and that it will be a relief when it ends. I feel so responsible for abandoning him. He has no real concept of us leaving. He seems convinced that everytime we go round it is for the last time. He cries everytime we hug him. Perhaps I have been hit by the fact that he is finally emotional. Dad has always been a rock, the strong silent type, there when I needed him but often cossetted away in the front room having one of his silent weeks...ever wondered where I got the illness from...step forward Mr Forrest!
We had a long conversation today about moving. Anton finally got his registration for psychology through yesterday. Everything has now become closer. This was the last big stumbling block to the move and now we have cleared it. It meant that Dad could focus on the logistics without me going 'well it might not happen'. He thinks we are going with a whole planeful of other people, who are all emigrating on the same day. I did try and explain it was just like moving to the next village, just with a bigger lorry, but he wasn't having it.
Emotions were always going to be difficult to control this week. I am reaching finalities, the last time I wills. Last week was the last swimming gala; yesterday was the last sport's day ( five years of practice and I finally got the scoring spreadsheet right!); Caitlin is heading for her last assembly; the last day of term is less than two weeks away. My class have always been very loving and caring but now some are becoming more distant ( protecting themself against change) whilst others (Jack ) have gone through that phase and are bouncing back like eager puppies, wanting to get all the attention. How many times will I cry in the next few months? Not sure I'll count that one!
So many finals. Last weekend really affected me. Everyday I'm thinking 'is this the last time that I will do this?', 'is this the last time I will be in the same room as people I care deeply about?', sentiments not exactly helped by Paul's whimpering. As I said at the time if my dad can't keep me here, he definitely can't!
My god this feels hard. I am more stable psychologically than I have possibly ever been and yet so emotional. My psychiatrist would say it proves I am actually human. I know she said it when we had all that crap at school and I was still deemed 'the voice of calm and reason' but I'm certain the same applies now. That I was a little stressed meant I was normal. Being emotional now, I suppose, suggests I'm not a zombie anymore. It was so lovely to hear comments last weekend from everyone about my being missed ( except by the good Doctor but what do you expect?) I guess I never expected them. I have struggled for acceptance for so long and yet now feel, when I have accepted me for who I am, finally I am where I want to be. CONFUSING SENTENCE ALERT. THAT WAS A FANTASTIC EXAMPLE OF FLUFF! Hey ho!

So Edith Piaf or Frank Sinatra...?

This stream of consciousness has such a long way to go!

Just heard this...

Driving home from a girly 'cooking demonstration', I heard this on the radio (Radio Two?!). It took a few minutes for me to realise that I already knew it from 'Shrek'. This version was beautiful, a lilting falsetto; not the original or most famous cover, but breath taking. I just felt a need to post when I got back.



Well I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and he pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
Well, it goes like this, the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall and the major lift
The baffled king composing hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

Well your faith was strong, but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you
And she tied you to her kitchen chair
And she broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips you drew the hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

Well baby I've been here before
I've seen this room and I've walked this floor, you know,
I used to live alone before I knew you
And I've seen your flag on the marble arch
And love is not a victory march
It's a cold, it's a broken hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

Well there was a time when you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show that to me, do you?
I remember when I moved in you
And the Holy Dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

Maybe there is a God above
But all I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you
And it's not a cry that you hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah,
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah.

Isn't technology fabulous?

Now that I have rediscovered the fine art of blogging I have a dilemma. I should be writing reports, but I can't be bothered. It is much more purposeful to explore the lives of people around the world, or to take meaningless 'blogthings' tests. I have even introduced the kids to them. They partiularly like finding out which Simpsons' character they are. Not sure Reuben really is Barney but we were right to bet that Caitlin would be Lisa.

Anyhoo. I thought technology was supposed to make work faster. The flaw in that argument is that it has just taken me three days to work out why the sidebar of this blog has suddenly moved to the bottom. Days when I could/should have been doing something else. My search for answers has increased my confidence in all things Blog, so it's not all bad!

Oh God another addiction

How You Live Your Life

You have a good sense of self control and hate to show weakness. You're laid back and chill, but sometimes you care too much about what others think. You prefer a variety of friends and tend to change friends quickly. You tend to dream big, but you worry that your dreams aren't attainable.

How Do You Live Your Life?

If you look back in this blog, you'll find I took this test a while ago. Funnily enough, the result has changed!

Yorkshire Sculpture Park

Antony Gormley

Henry Moore

Moore Henry Moore

Natural beauty

In my humble opinion, the most breathtaking images/installations/sculptures at the YSP involved nature, beit the texture of a tree, the sunset or the work of Andy Goldsworthy. His curtain of chestnut leaf stalks and thorns was stunning.

Places to view his work
www.artisancam.com, where there are interviews and videos of his work in progress.

http://www.writedesignonline.com/history-culture/AndyGoldsworthy/overview.htm, superb examples of his landart.

And another blogthing...

You Are Best Described By...

From the Lake, No. 1 by Georgia O'Keeffe

What Famous Work of Art Are You?

So not quite a year later!

I was sitting watching Doctor Who, on children's orders, when the Doctor tells his assistants to stop 'blogging'! How coincidental is that?

I have just read back my past posts and find myself wondering why it was at those times that I sought to write down, and publish, those thoughts, feelings and experiences. Why not other times, other times I can remember so vividly yet have not adequately reflected upon and why did it suddenly become unimportant?

Motivation, for many things in my life, is like a tide, ebbing and flowing. Sometimes energy surges and everything is possible, and then at other times there are not enough hours to do anything, so why bother? Hmm!


As for tonight, too many thoughts, too much 'sun', not enough dinner and two Masters.

Why are these things so right?

You Are A Walnut Tree

You are strange and full of contrasts... the oddball of your group. You are unrelenting and you have unlimited ambition. Not always liked but always admired, you are more infamous than famous. You are aggressive and spontaneous, and your reactions are often unexpected. A jealous and passionate person, you are difficult in romantic relationships.

What's Your Celtic Horoscope?

Caffeine

I had an espresso yesterday afternoon at 2.30. Finally got to bed at 1am. Didn't feel spaced but did seem to get a lot of things done, washing tidying laundrying blogging, even managed to read a little of my book!

Go caffeine!

Billy Joel Euphoria

What a fantastic night. So many songs I had not heard for such a long time. What a showman!

Even Anton liked the show!

Mmmmmm

jo ashcroft -- [adjective]: Tasting like strawberries 'How will you be defined in the sexual dictionary?' at QuizUniverse.com

Hmm told you

You Are 52% Abnormal

You are at high risk for being a psychopath. It is very likely that you have no soul. You are at high risk for having a borderline personality. It is very likely that you are a chaotic mess. You are at low risk for having a narcissistic personality. It is unlikely that you are in love with your own reflection. You are at medium risk for having a social phobia. It is somewhat likely that you feel most comfortable in your mom's basement. You are at low risk for obsessive compulsive disorder. It is unlikely that you are addicted to hand sanitizer.

How Abnormal Are You?

What a week

Where do I start? I have felt so rough this week that I didn't think I would survive!

Caitlin came home in tears,saying Mrs Moss has had a go at her, over her diary , or lack thereof. She apparantly had a go about the fact that C always loses things, never completes homework and thinks homework is beneath her because she is so good at school. I went in and burst into tears, and explained about mental health and how sometimes C can't concentrate on anything. Mrs Moss was very understanding; I guess she had to be with a tearful mother on her case.

Didn't exactly set me up for the day although school went very well. Iwas finally asked to cover year three, with a proviso that I can have my part time role back when Sara comes back from maternity leave...if she comes back.

Another rumour abounds that our favourite person has been suspended for 'hitting' a child. Is this the straw which breaks the camel's back.

Finally, Mrs Ferrie was in and asked me if I would take Year One next year. I nearly laughed in her face! She's a bit of a whirlwind, I'll say that for her!

Anton has asked to go out tomorrow and next weekend, inspite of a conversation about fairness. I am not happy!

confusion

Once again the depression descends. I am feeling unhappy, bloated, fat, unwanted, unable to do anything etc etc etc. See can't even finish a sentence!!

I feel I just can't cope with anything ( global statement) I have so many jobs to do that I get lost in deciding what to do first. I desperately want to go for a run but it is so hot that I think I'd collapse. But I need to do something.

I may have to start another blog to write down my eating habits as at the moment they are shit! Chocolate fixes and an inability to cook, or rather decide on what to cook. I feel I am letting me and my family down! I just want to curl up in a corner and go to sleep!
THE KEY TO YOUR HEART QUIZ ANSWER
You are attracted to obedience and warmth.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

Just felt like getting someone else to tell me something about myself!

Alcohol!

I suppose I only have myself to blame but I feel shit. It is exactly four days since my last alcoholic drink and yep my head is as far from being happy as it is possible to be.

I can't decide if this means I should give up drink completely or just have a little every night and ward off the mood swings that way. An interesting subject for testing I think!

Managed to get lots of washing done as well as completing the whole of our form teacher reports. I think my mood swing may well have affected one or two but I'm sure Aud will edit them well.

Having a blog is a useful way of noting successes... and not so good episodes. Must be therapeutic!

Ate far too much today, and watched myself do it. I would love to lose weight but I can't be bothered. A bit like running at present but I think both would be easier with support, but from whom???

Am feeling lost!

A baptism of fire

I played my first ever proper tennis match tonight.

I was shite. I had so many nerves and couldn't string any shots together!

At least I didn't get upset so I suppose that's a major step forward.

Arghhh

Holidays are all very well but the unpacking is a nightmare. Hubby didn't do any clearing up yesterday when I was off doing the results for the Garburn race. So there is sand everywhere, tonnes of washing to do, stuff all over the place and myhead slightly offthe lines.

That may have something to do with second child not being able to find his reading book this morning...I should know by now that it will be in school. I have got so much work to do, I've not started my reports yet (!) and if the house isn't just so I can't settle to do them.

Ah well the holiday was nice whilst it lasted!

Just trying to post a picture to the side bar

Beauty

Caitlin's

photos

from

The Eden Project

Happy Holidays

What a fabulous week! We've just come back from a glorious week in Cornwall, staying in a house two minutes from the beach and three minutes from 'Planet Ice', an addictive ice cream and coffee shop.

It was an interesting group of people. I wasn't sure it was going to work but we all had a good time. There were Paul and Roselle and their lovely kids, Frankie and Ciaran, Gordon and Heather and theirs, Laura(7) and Oliver (5) and the four of us. Finally Al came over to be our token singleton.

Frankie and Ciaran were only little so spent their time with their mum mostly, but the other kids got on really well, even Caitlin and Laura who were very similar personalities.

The weather was superb, two days of blustery wind and then SUNSHINE, SUNSHINE, SUNSHINE. The kids spent so long in the sea we had to get them wetsuits. In fact Roo only burnt on his hands and feet so he looks as though he has pink gloves and socks on. Needless to say I felt very guilty about the sunburn both on him and on Caitlin. Why don't fathers have such guilt trips?

We had a lovely day at the Eden project too. It was just the most amazing place, almost spiritual in its atmosphere




It's strange to be back with uni friends now we are growed ups. Especially seeing how people are with their children. We seem to come across as quite laid back parents. We praise our kids and hug them. They may be sensitive kids but they care about each other and share so well. Caitlin was 'a natural' at everything mostly cricket and bodyboarding. But are we doing it right? We did seem to be the least stressed!

I was amazed by the amount of alcohol and chocolate we got through. I did the recycling at the end of the week and there were so many cans. I made a conscious decision that I would allow myself to drink some. I only got 'drunk' on one night ( our night out with Paul and Roselle). It was very funny, I talked drivel but I didn't care. Seeing four o'clock in the morning was entertaining...going for a run at 8 was too. I had to mask the palpitations somehow!!!

Al had a hard time. She'd been involved in a car accident on her way down ( hitting a 90 year old who stepped out in front of her). She made it down on Monday night but was obviously very shaken and taking it very hard. It was the first time I'd been aware of how intense she can be especially when she's drunk. Shecould havedone with a longer chat with Ant but the others, mostly Paul seemed to take over. Who's the professional here?

Overall a brilliant week. I felt very relaxed and incontrol of me. I was aware I didn't make as much of an effort with the cooking, but I can do a mean washing up!

And it only took us 5 1/2 hours to get home! Excellent!

Ouch!!!

What a day!

First I had to go to the dentists with the kids. I was OK, just needed a clean. Roo has lost one tooth but the others are taking their time to come out. They are obviously as laid back as he is. Caitlin is another issue. She has very crooked and cramped teeth and had to have a filling. She cried a lot about that as she had to have an injection which left her lips numb for three hours. She may need a brace when she is older too unless her teeth correct themselves. She's already worrying about it, but at least Anton can reassur her. He had a brace, whereas my teeth just went into place as I got older.

Then I had to go to the doctors to have my coil replaced. Oh my god it was painful! The doctor was cool and very efficient and the nurse was amazing, really supportive, and kept me distracted. I now have rather severe stomach cramps which I am not used to.

So then school, well after Asda's anyway. We were asked to tidy the communal areas.I said I already had a communal area and had put rather a lot of effort into it! I then took it upon myself to ask about next year. Well I have to know. I managed to force Neil to listen to us but he's so non commital! Hopefully both Jayne and I can finda satisfactory solution for next year.

Next issue, how often is normal for sex? How about never? I have so many inhibitions, not least of which is my weight, and so does Anton.Now I don't drink it's even worse. He queried it today, as I had put myself through so much agony for contraception. What can I say? where's the porn channel????

Hmm is this true?

This was a link from Melly's blog which I thought I'd try. Not sure I agree with the answer though. Especially today.

You Are Apple Red

You're never one to take life too seriously, and because of it, you're a ton of fun. And although you have a great sense of humor, you are never superficial. Deep and caring, you do like to get to the core of people - to understand them well. However, any probing you do is light hearted and fun, sometimes causing people to misjudge you.

What Color Red Are You?

We have a new head. Lindsey Ferrie, uberhead, major over achiever, probably the best choice and certainly somebodywho can deal with Mrs Music. Strangely as a result of the appointment, I've had a bit of a crisis of conscience. I have no confidence again. I guess I used to be the over achiever but now I've gone...' I'm a poor musician, I'm an average teacher, I have little ambition ( or is that true?) and I feel a failure at most things. My head is off the lines again; I'm fat, spotty messy and out of control. Shit!

Lessons went well today; really pleased with the flipchart I created and using strings to reproduce a practical food web.

Trouble is that isn't enough to make me feel better.

You Are Animal

A complete lunatic, you're operating on 100% animal instincts. You thrive on uncontrolled energy, and you're downright scary. But you sure can beat a good drum. "Kill! Kill!"

The Muppet Personality Test

That's better!

You Are Scary

You even scare scary people sometimes!

How Scary Are You?

Even better!

How You Life Your Life

You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside. You're laid back and chill, but sometimes you care too much about what others think. You prefer a variety of friends and tend to change friends quickly. Some of your past dreams have disappointed you, but you don't let it get you down.

How Do You Live Your Life?

What can I say?

Your Ideal Pet is a Cat

You're both aloof, introverted, and moody. And your friends secretly wish that you were declawed!

What's Your Ideal Pet?

I think I'm addicted!

I think I'd betterstop and bookmark the site instead

What Your Face Says

At first glance, people see you as warm and well-balanced. Overall, your true self is passionate and physical. With friends, you seem dramatic, lively, and quick to react. In love, you seem like a huge flirt. In stressful situations, you seem selfish and moody.

What Do People Think Of Your Face?

Couldn't resist! Addictive personality ( especially on a Friday when Ant is doing other things!)

Family!

So we have a new headteacher but we don't know who? Our Deputy really ought to let us know coz I'm sure he knows but we obviously don't count for anything.

The children are really missing their dad, he's in London all week.They are really clingy, C wants to sleep in my bed and R feels ill. I wouldn't mind but they don't tend to pay much attention to him ( orhe them)when he's here.

Been to the gym again. Feeling virtuous although I'm still eating very badly. I just can't be bothered to cook, especially when Anton is away. Still feeling calm and centred, have updated the IT policy ready for typing up.

What will tomorrow bring?