Saturday, June 30, 2007

Absent friends

The end of term is always busy and this year is no different, but for some good reasons.

Last night I was treated to my leaving do. It was supposed to be a BIG secret. I knew it was happening but I didn't know what the event was going to be. I was chauffeur driven to Wendy's house to change in to the obligatory posh frock, then driven by a black tied gentleman ( thanks Bob) to a hotel in Windermere for a drink, then onto the jetty where a Lake cruiser was bedecked w ith pictures of kiwis! The team enjoyed a three hour cruise around the Lake, complete with dinner, drinks, chocolate cake, balloons, oh and Alex's chest. It was commented that I usually have the low cut tops on, but only at work! I couldn't compete with her.

The whole evening was lovely! The right people were there ( and the senior senior management but they were very quiet). Even my darling Stuart came over for drinks, though I think he was at his least comfortable. Us IT geeks have to stick together though , and the gift from him and Richard was beautiful.

I only gave a little speech, focussing on friendship, teamwork, family and joy, but I think I got my point across, and didn't cry.

I will post more when I have a minute. I have thank you cards and presents to sort out!

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Found it!

Charles Hazlewood Radio Two 22.00 20th June

TRACK: Hallelujah
COMPOSER: Leonard Cohen
ARTIST: Iestyn Davies / Charles Hazlewood

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Pay it forward

This email reply says what this post needs to.

Hey honey,

Something is conspiring against me today. I have tried three times to write this email. The first version was brilliant, witty, incisive and so blisteringly well written it was worthy of a Booker Prize. It was lost somewhere in the ether, when my session on AOL expired. This will give you some idea of how long it took to write.

I resolved to use Word, only for a fatal error to occur.

Third time lucky.

As you probably have gathered, I don’t tend to do things by halves, so when you reminded me of my blogging past, it was only a matter of time before I started again. And then of course it would become an obsession, not to mention a perfect means of procrastination. I have lost hours recently, not posting, but following links from my favourite blogs, to their favourites and so on. And don’t get me started on Blogthings!

I had forgotten just why I started the site in the first place. It has been really cathartic this last fortnight and for that I must thank you. The first few posts this time were obviously more of a conversation, or at very least an attempted explanation of some of the stuff my addled brain could not voice when I saw you ( and a good excuse to look at some of my photos again). But having the chance to write, reflect and sometimes resolve many of my issues, and vent my frustrations and angst, in a personal, if not particularly private, way, has been a revelation.

In some ways it worried me to know that someone was reading this stuff but frankly, I don’t think it’s affecting what I write. Maybe it’s making me more honest about what I post ( about most things) because I don’t want to lie to myself or anyone else.

Hearing that song must be a coincidence. I’m sure it wasn’t the Jeff Buckley version; I have that on the So Real album. This was on a programme about castratos and falsettos on radio 2 and was sung purely in falsetto. It was so haunting I nearly had to stop the car. I’ll have to do a search for it on the net. I love Grace too. I remember you mentioning it. It is stunning and I love the guitar rhythm in it. I’m going to get my guitar teacher to tab out some of the chords for me.

I promise you did and said nothing that I need to remind you of last weekend, although I might just remind you of the text you sent me, since I do feel the same way, if not more so!

Last night’s anxiety hasn’t yet lifted. I have struggled through school today, but everyone else feels the same. I hugged one colleague because she looked so upset (and coz I felt so bad) and she then paid it forward. I think that hug went right around the school by lunchtime. Luckily my class figured out quite quickly that I was not to be messed with today, though the senior management were not so sympathetic.

I am sure there is more I need to say but as I don’t have your email in front of me I shall call it a day before I lose this version. I may post this on th eblog as it seems to say what I need to post today too.

Thank you for reminding me that I do matter, occasionally!

Love you loads


P.S. The trick with Blogthings is to refresh the page if you get a result you don’t like. Some of them, like the artwork, don’t change, but others do. The superheroine just struck a chord, especially given Roo’s new haircut. We are going for an even shorter style next!

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Feeling shite!

I was in Asda's this evening with C on the first karate run, when I suddenly felt my head go.I haven't had such a weird turn in a long time. I've been taking my meds, haven't drunk anything for months ( apart from a week and a half ago) and have been feeling pretty stable. I am proud of my self for being aware that something was happening but I am so sorry that other people had to deal with me. I've snapped at Caitlin for slurping her coke too loudly, and had to pretend to my dad that everything was OK.

I feel so weak, shaky, incapable of anything. Maybe I am physiologically ill but knowing me I doubt it. My heart is pounding; it almost feels like a panic attack in the making. I'm hoping that writing this will give me something to focus on, to prevent a full scale meltdown. Anton will, of course, say that this always happens when he's away. Certainly on Mondays I tend to be more unsettled if he's working away, but then I have usually spent a day pottering aimlessly. This time, it's different. I have the sort of tunnel vision I have experienced in the past, and all my relaxation techniques are failing to deal with the palpitations.

The kids have been so good. I told Roo I was wobbling and might not appreciate his fidgetting and he just got the magnetix out and built quietly. Caitlin has offered me a coffee and then taken her brother off to bed. God I love them . I feel so guilty for being such a mess. I do sometimes feel they would do better without me, but then who would C turn to when her head goes off the lines?

This was supposed to help me focus. I just feel more of a failure now. I'll find a picture and head off to bed. Maybe an early (ish) night will allow me to recover.


Your Superhero Profile

Your Superhero Name is The Ghost Punisher
Your Superpower is Electrocution
Your Weakness is Bald People
Your Weapon is Your Thunder Dagger
Your Mode of Transportation is Rocket

You could hear the cheer in space!

You Are Buffy the Vampire Slayer

"We saved the world. I say we have to party."

Caitlin found this excellent blogthing. She ended up being Trinity from the Matrix.

I went through my choices, expecting to be Batgirl but then....

YES, YES, YES, YES, YES!!!!!!!!

Oh and miraculously Henman won 13-11 in the fifth... but not in time for me to watch the end of the match at school before picking the kids up

Monday, June 25, 2007

How am I supposed to concentrate?

Usually the tennis is a calm background to the writing of reports. Not tonight! Bloody Tim Henman can't win a match in less than five sets and it is so bloody stressful. I have at least written 4/12 literacy reports and the juices are beginning to flow. Please get it over with!

Shit, another deuce!

And another!

Match point Henman!

Ad Moya

Game Moya! Bugger!

How on earth can they go off now? Bad light my foot! It's only 9.15! Wooses!

Must stop now!

Star Wars Horoscope for Scorpio

You are a powerful character.
You tend to be possessive and lusty - which explains your greedy nature.
You feel threatened when people try to order you around or control you.
You are prone to suspicion and jealousy - but your resilience and passion get you what you want.

Star wars character you are most like: Han Solo

Now that sounds right!

The kids are R2D2 and Luke Skywalker, but which is which?

I really should be writing reports!!!!!

Your Passion is Red!

You've got that spark - a good dose of intensity, power, and determination.
You do whatever you want in life ... to hell with what anyone thinks!
With so many interests and loves, you're always running around doing something new.
You have fire in your eyes, and it shows. Bet you're even wearing something red!

I wish. Or maybe...

Before and After



How gorgeous is he!

It's gone

The official residency application went today.

I wish I could feel more excited about it.

And it's raining at Wimbledon!

Sunday, June 24, 2007

The Drums aren't coming!!!

Spent the day in Blackpool. It started weird and got worse. Anton suggested we visit the Dr Who exhibition but when we got there he announced he thought it was the one based on the new series, rather than the older Doctors. The kids and I have already been to Manchester to the new one ( and need to return sometime for the newer creatures)

So he started disappointed. The exhibition was actually rather good; I loved the Dr costumes, especially the scarf, and there are some regeneration videos which sparked many memories. So did Bessie!

He then announced he really wasn't feeling well. So just like normal then!

After lunch however he insisted on dragging us to the Pleasure beach. I really didn't see the point. Caitlin hates rides. Reuben loves them but is too small for the big ones and Ant wasn't feeling up to going on one. I love them now ( adrenalin kick) but it's difficult with kids etc in tow. He gave the kids a choice of rides...Roo chose a Mario Racing amusement game and C went on a very long winded car 'driving' ride at half a mile an hour. Boy did I need caffeine!

Got back to the car to find a parking ticket. My fault for misreading the time on it but this led to three hours of silence and drumming. There is no such thing as quiet in this house. The incessant irish drumming really hits a nerve, but mention it and he carries on louder!

I'm trying to concentrate on writing reports (due in on Tuesday) but it's impossible. I need an absence of stimulation for the juices to flow. I'd like to sit in Costas all day tomorrow, laptop in hand, but I have been told we are filling in the BIG APPLICATION FORM!!!

I've already spent nearly a whole day correcting his mistakes on the original application. I kinda feel unimportant unless I'm pushing paper for him. I'm facing a very emotional two weeks at work and he can't see why. He will just argue that it's my head talking again. Maybe it is but it's still a valid feeling.

Hmm! I have this feeling that this has become a rambling rant. Not sure that is a good idea! Probably the wrong time of the month to be posting! Might explain my very odd thoughts of late...or a distinct lack of caffeine ( see above).

Feeling rather lost, underwhelmed, unappreciated and unsupported

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Highs and Lows

Caitlin has had a hard day today. Her mood has vacillated wildly. She began by lying about having breakfast. She said she had had some, but hadn't. After her trip to Arnside she has been more conscious of her tummy. I wonder what was said to her, though she won't talk about it.

We went searching for Roo's birthday presents and for a suitable 'trophy' for my new Award for Creative Thinking at school. Her tone changed by the minute, up one minute, sobbing the next, the usual really, probably due to her lack of breakfast. We did find a trophy. My heart was set on something wooden, a sculpture or a puzzle . But then we stumbled across the perfet thing; a nepalese singing bowl. I'd never been in the Tiger's Eye shop before so obviously it was fate. The assistant used to work with Jo Williams at Over Kellet and another customer knew Carla. Concidence? I like to think not! My 'prize' needed to be quirky but this is so suitable. The stuffed shirts will see a cup ( OK so not a traditional one) whilst we will know it is something special! It really made me tingle, so I knew it was right.

When C and I walked home, she got very emotional about Grandad. He had forgotten mum's name yesterday and thought I was his granddaughter. Ant says we shouldn't put him on the spot; just tell him, or mention each other by name so he has a clue. She needed a big cuddle and a good cry. She wants to know how long he's got and says that he isn't really her grandad any more. She wants the old one back.

We went to see Sara and Jess in their dance show. Jess was superb, a five year old bossy boots, telling her tutued mates what to do. Sara's cancan was a sight. I shall never look at her in the same light again...and neither will Anton, once he took his eyes off the well developed girl who should not have been wearing a tutu. There comes an age...

C gave Jess a little rabbit but got upset because she didn't know how to get it to her. Usually she is mega confident but wouldn't go backstage. We waited and saw Jess and Sara so C was OK but still wobbly.

She has so much on her mind; grandad, selling the house, moving, leaving school, daddy's health, her tummy, how to kill Bethany!. Who'd be a kid? I try to keep her in the loop. She may only be nine but she needs to feel a sense of control just like I do. Ant is talking about booking flights even without selling the house.

I have an appointment to see C's new psych on Friday. At least they have agreed there is something there but I don't see what they can do to help until she is older and needs meds like me. At least this way there is evidence of our concern so in the next few years we hopefully won't have to fight like I did.

The doctor versus the master. Round one to the master, greater charisma, superb smile and totally off his!

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Not a care in the world...freedom

This week...

Turmoil, isolation, endings, sadness, this week has been a struggle. Today my dad didn't know who I was. Up till today mum and I were the only ones in the family he could name easily. Today he hid it well and made a joke but could only remember that I was his daughter. Which one he wasn't sure. He really has no idea what is happening, he is just confused, frustrated, a shadow of the man he was.
Mum finally admitted that she wanted her old husband back, and that it will be a relief when it ends. I feel so responsible for abandoning him. He has no real concept of us leaving. He seems convinced that everytime we go round it is for the last time. He cries everytime we hug him. Perhaps I have been hit by the fact that he is finally emotional. Dad has always been a rock, the strong silent type, there when I needed him but often cossetted away in the front room having one of his silent weeks...ever wondered where I got the illness from...step forward Mr Forrest!
We had a long conversation today about moving. Anton finally got his registration for psychology through yesterday. Everything has now become closer. This was the last big stumbling block to the move and now we have cleared it. It meant that Dad could focus on the logistics without me going 'well it might not happen'. He thinks we are going with a whole planeful of other people, who are all emigrating on the same day. I did try and explain it was just like moving to the next village, just with a bigger lorry, but he wasn't having it.
Emotions were always going to be difficult to control this week. I am reaching finalities, the last time I wills. Last week was the last swimming gala; yesterday was the last sport's day ( five years of practice and I finally got the scoring spreadsheet right!); Caitlin is heading for her last assembly; the last day of term is less than two weeks away. My class have always been very loving and caring but now some are becoming more distant ( protecting themself against change) whilst others (Jack ) have gone through that phase and are bouncing back like eager puppies, wanting to get all the attention. How many times will I cry in the next few months? Not sure I'll count that one!
So many finals. Last weekend really affected me. Everyday I'm thinking 'is this the last time that I will do this?', 'is this the last time I will be in the same room as people I care deeply about?', sentiments not exactly helped by Paul's whimpering. As I said at the time if my dad can't keep me here, he definitely can't!
My god this feels hard. I am more stable psychologically than I have possibly ever been and yet so emotional. My psychiatrist would say it proves I am actually human. I know she said it when we had all that crap at school and I was still deemed 'the voice of calm and reason' but I'm certain the same applies now. That I was a little stressed meant I was normal. Being emotional now, I suppose, suggests I'm not a zombie anymore. It was so lovely to hear comments last weekend from everyone about my being missed ( except by the good Doctor but what do you expect?) I guess I never expected them. I have struggled for acceptance for so long and yet now feel, when I have accepted me for who I am, finally I am where I want to be. CONFUSING SENTENCE ALERT. THAT WAS A FANTASTIC EXAMPLE OF FLUFF! Hey ho!

So Edith Piaf or Frank Sinatra...?

This stream of consciousness has such a long way to go!

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Just heard this...

Driving home from a girly 'cooking demonstration', I heard this on the radio (Radio Two?!). It took a few minutes for me to realise that I already knew it from 'Shrek'. This version was beautiful, a lilting falsetto; not the original or most famous cover, but breath taking. I just felt a need to post when I got back.

Well I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and he pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
Well, it goes like this, the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall and the major lift
The baffled king composing hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

Well your faith was strong, but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you
And she tied you to her kitchen chair
And she broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips you drew the hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

Well baby I've been here before
I've seen this room and I've walked this floor, you know,
I used to live alone before I knew you
And I've seen your flag on the marble arch
And love is not a victory march
It's a cold, it's a broken hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

Well there was a time when you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show that to me, do you?
I remember when I moved in you
And the Holy Dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

Maybe there is a God above
But all I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you
And it's not a cry that you hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah,
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Isn't technology fabulous?

Now that I have rediscovered the fine art of blogging I have a dilemma. I should be writing reports, but I can't be bothered. It is much more purposeful to explore the lives of people around the world, or to take meaningless 'blogthings' tests. I have even introduced the kids to them. They partiularly like finding out which Simpsons' character they are. Not sure Reuben really is Barney but we were right to bet that Caitlin would be Lisa.

Anyhoo. I thought technology was supposed to make work faster. The flaw in that argument is that it has just taken me three days to work out why the sidebar of this blog has suddenly moved to the bottom. Days when I could/should have been doing something else. My search for answers has increased my confidence in all things Blog, so it's not all bad!

Monday, June 18, 2007

Oh God another addiction

How You Live Your Life

You have a good sense of self control and hate to show weakness.
You're laid back and chill, but sometimes you care too much about what others think.
You prefer a variety of friends and tend to change friends quickly.
You tend to dream big, but you worry that your dreams aren't attainable.

If you look back in this blog, you'll find I took this test a while ago. Funnily enough, the result has changed!

Yorkshire Sculpture Park

Antony Gormley

Henry Moore

Moore Henry Moore

Natural beauty

In my humble opinion, the most breathtaking images/installations/sculptures at the YSP involved nature, beit the texture of a tree, the sunset or the work of Andy Goldsworthy. His curtain of chestnut leaf stalks and thorns was stunning.

Places to view his work, where there are interviews and videos of his work in progress., superb examples of his landart.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

And another blogthing...

You Are Best Described By...

From the Lake, No. 1
by Georgia O'Keeffe

So not quite a year later!

I was sitting watching Doctor Who, on children's orders, when the Doctor tells his assistants to stop 'blogging'! How coincidental is that?

I have just read back my past posts and find myself wondering why it was at those times that I sought to write down, and publish, those thoughts, feelings and experiences. Why not other times, other times I can remember so vividly yet have not adequately reflected upon and why did it suddenly become unimportant?

Motivation, for many things in my life, is like a tide, ebbing and flowing. Sometimes energy surges and everything is possible, and then at other times there are not enough hours to do anything, so why bother? Hmm!

As for tonight, too many thoughts, too much 'sun', not enough dinner and two Masters.