Sunday, July 08, 2012

Ebb and flow

I have been, for me, in a rather dark place lately. Or rather for the last four months I have felt as though I was living life in a fog. Every day has been a struggle and yes there have been suicidal thoughts in there though only for a split second.

I have compensated. I have begun to exercise more, I have joined Weight Watchers again just for the accountability of weighing in each week and have lost 6kgs. I am back to a running weight and have already tackled the large hill not far from our house.

I have been hanging on but the final straw came one morning. I was lying in bed, quite calmly, when, quite unwarranted, thoughts started to creep into my mind. Each thought was negative, a memory of times past, of days before my diagnosis and medication. The sheer stupidity of the unquiet mind, the lack of mindfulness, the knowing I was right when I blatantly  wasn't. I watched these thoughts seeping in. When I am stronger, I can tell them to PISS OFF, but not today.

That day I rang the doctor.

I was scared. My previous GP had poopooed the whole idea of my watching negative thoughts arrive and said I would probably get over this 'condition' I thought I had!

My new GP is awesome. He listened, he advised, he sympathised and, after checking my health insurance, recommended a psychiatrist. It took me three weeks to pluck up the courage to make an appointment.

I am so glad I did (I think). In exactly an hour he listened, asked relevant questions, didn't mind me gushing and was immensely professional. He also reminded me of Anton if a little taller.

I am now trying a new medication-Epilim- which is proving interesting. It has a sedating effect-I spent one Sunday asleep and I have become very forgetful ( I took my son to see Spiderman a week before it came out! Still, Brave was good). But there are strategies for that. I am less sleepy after two weeks, I have bought a diary and I am making lots more lists. Next there will be a blood test and another appointment and we will see how it goes.

Sometimes it is just nice to have someone listen. Hubby and daughter already think I have improved ( or I am being nicer to them), I am making decisions about my future  and I feel as though I have a future. That has to be positive, right?