Sunday, July 15, 2012


I am not sure of it is the new meds, the school holidays or general lethargy brought on by the bloody cold winter here (even though it is probably warmer than it is in the UK right now!) but the brain has been doing interesting things of late.

1. That moment when you open the fridge and can't remember what you went for and then realise it is a glass from the cupboard next to the fridge

2. That moment when you open the cupboard next to the fridge only to realise you need the dog food from the fridge

3. Forgetting to buy toilet rolls from the supermarket four times on the trot!

4. Forgetting to take either the morning meds or the evening meds and only realising 12 hours later

5. Reaching for a word and finding something close- the kids are enjoying that guessing game! Dishwasher=fridge, microwave=larder, fridge=oven etc. Oh and bathroom =laundry (They are enjoying that one "Can you put your dirty washing in the bathroom?" "Sure mom!"

6. Not caring about my weight loss routine. For about two weeks it has not been an issue. A sort of 'what does it matter? I'm ok as I am' sort of thing, even though I know I WANT to lose a bit more to give myself a a a a safety zone (had to reach for that and it's still not right) or buffer zone, that's better! I think I am back on track but only just. Still got a bit of a way to go on that one to  know that I am secure in the process.

7. Staying up ALL night to watch a Scots man lose to a Swiss dude playing a strange sport with balls and things on sticks. Oh no wait, that wasn't the meds, the whole family did that, and yes I cried when Andy cried, bless him, he tried so hard. He's my hero.

So I am hoping that all the forgetfulness will pass and I will feel more in control of my brain. I can safely say I am calmer, more relaxed and freer than I have been for a while (well at least the family say that!)

Long may that last!


Sunday, July 08, 2012

Ebb and flow

I have been, for me, in a rather dark place lately. Or rather for the last four months I have felt as though I was living life in a fog. Every day has been a struggle and yes there have been suicidal thoughts in there though only for a split second.

I have compensated. I have begun to exercise more, I have joined Weight Watchers again just for the accountability of weighing in each week and have lost 6kgs. I am back to a running weight and have already tackled the large hill not far from our house.

I have been hanging on but the final straw came one morning. I was lying in bed, quite calmly, when, quite unwarranted, thoughts started to creep into my mind. Each thought was negative, a memory of times past, of days before my diagnosis and medication. The sheer stupidity of the unquiet mind, the lack of mindfulness, the knowing I was right when I blatantly  wasn't. I watched these thoughts seeping in. When I am stronger, I can tell them to PISS OFF, but not today.

That day I rang the doctor.

I was scared. My previous GP had poopooed the whole idea of my watching negative thoughts arrive and said I would probably get over this 'condition' I thought I had!

My new GP is awesome. He listened, he advised, he sympathised and, after checking my health insurance, recommended a psychiatrist. It took me three weeks to pluck up the courage to make an appointment.

I am so glad I did (I think). In exactly an hour he listened, asked relevant questions, didn't mind me gushing and was immensely professional. He also reminded me of Anton if a little taller.

I am now trying a new medication-Epilim- which is proving interesting. It has a sedating effect-I spent one Sunday asleep and I have become very forgetful ( I took my son to see Spiderman a week before it came out! Still, Brave was good). But there are strategies for that. I am less sleepy after two weeks, I have bought a diary and I am making lots more lists. Next there will be a blood test and another appointment and we will see how it goes.

Sometimes it is just nice to have someone listen. Hubby and daughter already think I have improved ( or I am being nicer to them), I am making decisions about my future  and I feel as though I have a future. That has to be positive, right?