Thursday, April 05, 2012
At the weekend a couple of people asked after my health because 'whenever we see you , you are suffering from something.' Generally it's a cold, a cough, fluey bug, occasionally a real illness. Got me thinking!
As some of you know this week has been hard. Major mood swings, total and utter lethargy, flu like symptoms, cough, streaming nose (bit like hayfever) and then Tuesday night a complete inability to sleep!!! So I must be ill, right?
a huge feeling of inadequacy, an expectation of failure, imposter syndrome, perfectionism and "I JUST CAN"T DO IT" running through my head.
You see, not only do I live with bipolar disorder but I am also a gifted kid! There is a whole book on that but the blog post will keep for another day!
Basically ever since I joined GK I have experienced a tremendous sense of inadequacy. All my colleagues are more qualified, experienced, better teachers etc than me. They nearly all presented at conference and I wasn't asked ( actually I am quite good at presenting but keep my light hidden), I may disagree with some of what they say but can never stand up and say so coz "I might be wrong" "They might have a go at me for being stupid" etc.
I am sure I am going to be found out for the failure I am. How can anyone trust me to teach their kids et etc etc. I could go on but honestly what's the point!
These things I know...
I am a good teacher, in fact my kids say I am awesome, and so do some of their parents.
I think well on my feet, I am a natural problem solver.
I GET gifted kids coz I am one, so I can empathise in a way that some of my colleagues can't.
I'm an introvert so chances are I will feel nervous at these gatherings but it has nothing to do with my ability!
History shows that actually I haven't failed yet, but even if I did, that would be ok coz I learn from mistakes. (Failed is a strong word. HIstorically when people have had a go at me, it is because of some perceived weakness in themselves)
I am a good person. I support other people, more than I support myself.
I am vaguely intelligent (um high IQ, good at quizzes, know my strengths and weakness and what kind of learner i am)
Most of my FLU symptoms went away yesterday because
1) Caitlin's parents meetings happened and were great- I had expected a run in with her form teacher about him being an idiot but that didn't happen!
2)I started talking about it. Hubby was feeling better and actually listened.
3) The end of term feedback forms to parents got done, just in time and actually pretty well! It's the first time we did them and so I had no experience, nothing to go on and my lead teacher told me they were easy and not to stress-cue stress!
I had to write two sentences on each child, then print them out so the kids could hand write their reflections ...but my comments weren't going to be good enough, what if parents or kids didn't agree with them... and so the anxiety built.
That morning, after no sleep, I was going to email my principal and say 'I can't do this job. It's killing me! I'm useless". She would probably have told me to go away and get some sleep!
But the day went well. I told them I was stressed and why (the forms). The kids called me evil! That's a good thing! The forms got done, on the computers, so that the kids could read my comments, check the spelling, chat to me about them, and we could alter them as necessary so when the parents read them the kids would know why I had said what I'd said! So everyone was happy. And we got easter eggs and Indiana Egg went on an eggscellent eggspedition and scaled the cliffs of eggspectation to seek the sacred egg of the covenant (ok so it was a tech challenge, how to get a chocolate egg across a 'cavern' ( between a chair and a table three metres apart) without touching the ground. I'll leave that hanging...
It's all about the future. What WILL people think? What WILL they say? WHEN WILL I be found out? WHAT IF I'm no good?
The adrenalin has been crippling this week and yet here I am, on Thursday, able to write, I've just spent an hour playing Star Wars Kinect and using up the adrenalin that it left. I am still tingling and shaking slightly but I am just tired, not exhausted. I have the Easter holidays to look forward to and the sun is shining.
Just don't mention the fact that I am hosting brunch on Easter Sunday for some friends and their kids. The husband is a real foodie and I just about cook. He usually writes the treasure hunt and this is my first time doing it. And the house is a mess ( dust bunnies everywhere) and we have to buy and hide eggs and and and and and..
I hear meditation is good for this sort of thing :-) Or maybe I'll just go and kill a few more clones with my light sabre!!!