It is August the first and we are in the middle of Winter. I suppose I figure it could be the equivalent of New Year’s Day. Trouble is with winter comes the deep dark moods, made all the worse by the almost constant rain and a certain despondency about our situation.
I have had to increase my medication to try and ward off the worst of the shadows, shadows which saw me sitting at the lower Nihotupu Dam contemplating the drop.I seem to be spending a lot of time at the doctors as , although I am physically fine, I have an obsessive locum doctor who is adamant I have something serious. Haematuria has led to the possibility of gallstones and kidney disease and a blood test which discounted all those serious conditions has raised the possibility of chronic liver or heart disease. The blood test seems to have suggested I have a higher risk of these rather than any evidence of their presence! But I still need to go and see her at $37 a time!
I am having difficulty figuring out who I am right now. I'm not really a teacher though I feel obliged to take any relief work to make sure they keep employing me. My best friends tend to be teachers, Elaine and Graham, both of whom have experience of mental illness. We can support each other well but there still feel I don't want to burden other people. I benefit from supporting others, listening to their issues and concerns as it makes me feel I am not alone but I still need to be strong which takes it out of me.
I am trying to support everyone at home too which it rather difficult at present. The kids are wonderful and clever and vivacious and doing so well at school, but C seems to need a lot of support. She has so much on, with all the activities and responsibilities she has, but she is still a little girl at the end of the day, without the experience of having been in the school for years. She has struggled this week with expectations this week, particularly with her presentation. I so don't agree with the kiwi obsession with making things look pretty. In England colouring-in was classed as wasted time and content mattered more than how it looked. Anton accused me of being selfish for worrying about pushing her into so many activities and making her stressed. I have helped her with her wallchart and her competition essay, and her colouring inbut now I am not sure whether I have done too much. Anton says it is good for her to make mistakes and be made to do things again but I worry that she feels overwhelmed by all the tasks she needs to do. I probably worry to much but then I am starting to think I am neglecting Reuben. When I am working with Caitlin, he is usually on the computer or the wii or the xbox. I know we are encouraging him to do gym, tennis and now kung fu but I don't want him spending so much time in a digital world.