Anton used an interesting word last night 'Choice'. He was doing some extras work for Background talent and had been out from 7 am. It was now 6pm and he was ringing me to say that there was no end in sight to the days filming. 'I'm sorry he said but I have no choice really!'.
It turned out that the fact that he was earning money meant he had no choice but to take the job, on a national holiday, rather than spending the time with his children. When he rang at 9pm to say he would away till at least midnight and could I give the kids a cuddle, he added 'tell Caitlin I am sorry but I have no choice". I found myself saying that I couldn't explain that one to a ten year, even one as grown up as C, because he DID have a choice. He could say no! C, by this time was a little upset that she could not say good night to her dad. She left him a note on her new wipe board which read 'I know it is dark but I want you to know I love you'.
Last week she asked him why he was choosing to play music rather than spend time with her and Roo. His answer was that he has interests too! Needless to say she was upset by this and told me about it a few days later. Ant explained when I asked him about it that he had already played netball with her and what more does she want. In a few short years she will not choose to spend time with her dad; I think he needs to appreciate that fact a little more.
Frankly he only gets to choose to these things because I let him. Or rather I have to look after the kids as he chooses to go out. And my choice therefore is, do we stay in or do we go out? I hit rock bottom at the weekend, owing to neglecting the drugs I think, but I am also aware of feeling angry, undervalued and so lacking in self confidence it is untrue.
I think I feel that I has established myself fairly well in the Uk before we left and I am having to start from scratch. Elleray was OK but I had got the opportunity to work at St Martins'. In fact there was a job opening for me. Did I choose to give that up? Strikes me that the last few moves we have done have been detrimental to my way of life. There is nothing wrong with being a mum, you understand, it is just that I am not sure exactly what I want now. Being a mum is great but as the great Edmina Curry said ' I didn't get this education to clean toilets!' I have spent the last hour cleaning up diarrhoea caused by a teething dog, successfully I might add but I now feel guilty because I am writing this and not cleaning something else. I feel that there should be some obvious sign that I have spent the day fruitfully, but if the house isn't clean or I haven't earned money then it is not important.
I don't want to be 'one of the mums'. Playing footie is cool and coaching the netball is fun ( when will we start winning I wonder?) and I love helping the kids with whatever they have to do. I am just not sure where I am. Is this a midlife crisis? I mean I have supposedly achieved a lot over the last 40 years...Oxford, W&L, successful teacher, marathon runner, great kids, parachute jump, ICT stuff, being creative, moving to the Lakes and here. Yet here seems to be rather aimless. I am conscious of putting on weight, because I am so angry and sad; I'm not exercising... I can't imagine running to the post box let alone a marathon right now. Where did my motivation go? Why do I feel so lost?
I have just bought a book ( Don't tell Ant as books are expensive over here). It is entitled 'short, fat chick to marathon runner'. It's about a radio presenter who gets sponsored to do the Auckland Marathon and her 'journey'. It is rather inspiring,largely coz she had just turned 40 and I KNOW HOW SHE FEELS! But do I want it enough to choose to do something for me?
I have a doctors appointment on Thursday after school, a follow up to the ultrasound scan. I'll have to take since I have no idea how long it will take and Ant is working...or rather he is taking the day off to do a commercial. He decided to say 'yes' to that role a few days after I asked him if he could come home early, or meet me at the hospital at 5.30 so that he could look after the kids. He said he couldn't. I figured 'ah well' until I mentioned it to a friend who went spare. Health versus money? He says he shows his devotion to me by letting me have the dog. I think I 'd rather he held my hand at the hospital but still!
I know I am down,or I wouldn't be writing on THIS blog. I know I'll feel better tomorrow ( maybe) but I also know that this feeling of anger and frustration isn't going away. Maybe if I try to run it will help me feel better. I am aware I have been neglecting my strategies but then someone has to cook tea, take the kids to tennis, walk the dog ( don't mind that one), make sure his trousers are ironed...