Wednesday, April 18, 2012

At last some good news

I went through a very dark patch last week. Blackness abounded. The thoughts in my head were very dark and pessimistic but I confided in my husband and he was well enough to help me through it.

As a result I am back on my meds (lamotrigine and citalopram). It will take a while to settle I know but I feel I am over the worst of it.

I have been dealing with the down by not trying too hard. I have a quilt to make that mom treated me to when she visited. It is very simple, just squares and rectangles, but logically and laborious, just the thing for  a stupor like this one. It looks good and is growing slowly.

I am a little further on now but cant find the camera
But the good news...

About three months ago I was training for a marathon. One day I went for a half hour run and half way my achilles started to hurt. Stupidly I carried on. The next day I couldn't walk and the doctor said ' you must rest till it is completely healed'. He might as well have said we need to amputate! I rely on running for my sanity. It is that breath of fresh air in the fog of depression or the mountain to scale with the energy of a manic moment! I grieved for weeks! I didn't walk properly for weeks. The dog had to depend on other, less committed, people for her walks.

Well, today, I took Molly for a walk along a flat pavement near home. I was cheesed off with her so avoided the beach. Half way along I thought 'I wonder?'. 20 steps of jogging-no pain or pulling. I walked a little then tried again. No pain no pulling. Three times I tried this. I nearly burst into tears. These may be baby steps ( all of 100 yards)  but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe I will be able to run again. Maybe one day I will run another marathon. Either way my head is in a much better space than it has been.

I have been reading 'An Unquiet Mind' too, on the beach during my dog walking. It is so me, it is incredible. Maybe I should write my memories and experiences or is that one of those flights of fancy we bipols are famous for.

Last week I was going to study psychology and find a cure! Maybe not!

This tree is at the top of our street. I love it at this time of year, especially after a 'little' run

So today I am grateful for my meds, my understanding husband ( who is in hospital having tests on his heart) and for the place where I live, peaceful, green and with a flat bit of pavement!