Thursday, June 21, 2007
Turmoil, isolation, endings, sadness, this week has been a struggle. Today my dad didn't know who I was. Up till today mum and I were the only ones in the family he could name easily. Today he hid it well and made a joke but could only remember that I was his daughter. Which one he wasn't sure. He really has no idea what is happening, he is just confused, frustrated, a shadow of the man he was.
Mum finally admitted that she wanted her old husband back, and that it will be a relief when it ends. I feel so responsible for abandoning him. He has no real concept of us leaving. He seems convinced that everytime we go round it is for the last time. He cries everytime we hug him. Perhaps I have been hit by the fact that he is finally emotional. Dad has always been a rock, the strong silent type, there when I needed him but often cossetted away in the front room having one of his silent weeks...ever wondered where I got the illness from...step forward Mr Forrest!
We had a long conversation today about moving. Anton finally got his registration for psychology through yesterday. Everything has now become closer. This was the last big stumbling block to the move and now we have cleared it. It meant that Dad could focus on the logistics without me going 'well it might not happen'. He thinks we are going with a whole planeful of other people, who are all emigrating on the same day. I did try and explain it was just like moving to the next village, just with a bigger lorry, but he wasn't having it.
Emotions were always going to be difficult to control this week. I am reaching finalities, the last time I wills. Last week was the last swimming gala; yesterday was the last sport's day ( five years of practice and I finally got the scoring spreadsheet right!); Caitlin is heading for her last assembly; the last day of term is less than two weeks away. My class have always been very loving and caring but now some are becoming more distant ( protecting themself against change) whilst others (Jack ) have gone through that phase and are bouncing back like eager puppies, wanting to get all the attention. How many times will I cry in the next few months? Not sure I'll count that one!
So many finals. Last weekend really affected me. Everyday I'm thinking 'is this the last time that I will do this?', 'is this the last time I will be in the same room as people I care deeply about?', sentiments not exactly helped by Paul's whimpering. As I said at the time if my dad can't keep me here, he definitely can't!
My god this feels hard. I am more stable psychologically than I have possibly ever been and yet so emotional. My psychiatrist would say it proves I am actually human. I know she said it when we had all that crap at school and I was still deemed 'the voice of calm and reason' but I'm certain the same applies now. That I was a little stressed meant I was normal. Being emotional now, I suppose, suggests I'm not a zombie anymore. It was so lovely to hear comments last weekend from everyone about my being missed ( except by the good Doctor but what do you expect?) I guess I never expected them. I have struggled for acceptance for so long and yet now feel, when I have accepted me for who I am, finally I am where I want to be. CONFUSING SENTENCE ALERT. THAT WAS A FANTASTIC EXAMPLE OF FLUFF! Hey ho!
So Edith Piaf or Frank Sinatra...?
This stream of consciousness has such a long way to go!