Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Who's is the voice inside my head?

Hubby and I have infrequent date nights. Going out involves timing, organisation, inclination, effort and money. Therefore it happens rarely unless a friend says 'let's do this quiz', in which case it becomes a weekly event.
Now that the kids are legally allowed to stay home alone (and so far Caitlin isn't charging us for baby sitting her brother) we are hoping to make it a date night a more regular occurrence.

There is however another problem with going on a date with my husband. Whenever we sit across a table from each other, things get emotional. I generally cry, a lot! I think it has to do with having his undivided attention; no house, kid, work etc issues so we can talk honestly and openly about stuff. And I always cry!

A few nights ago we decided to be grown ups (or should that read old people). We went to see the Best Exotic Marigold Hotel.
When I grow up I want to be Judy Dench
It was sweet if lacking in any depth and we were the youngest people there! I was taken by the colours of India. How can such an impoverished country be so vibrant (sorry if that sounds like an ignorant westerner). Then we went for dinner, nothing special, a chain restaurant with no holiday surcharges (it was Easter Sunday).

Obviously I am not in a great place right now but we had an interesting debate about how brain chemistry works and the effect that it has on everything else. In my worst manic moments, when I was breaking down and feeling as though the ghouls from "Ghost' were coming to drag me to hell, a small part of my brain would tell me "This is just an act, you are making this up, it is just for attention". Thing is, I know it wasn't. But who was saying it? It was my brain function but not ME, so then who?

I don't pretend to understand the science behind the way a brain works, about neurons and synapses, apart from what I learn on House, but how can my brain be telling me something I know isn't true. Is this the same voice that tells me I am stupid or worthless or fat or lazy?

We used to say I had an evil twin. We thought she only came out at certain times of the month but now we realise she is actually controllable up to a point and hormones have nothing to do with her, but she is omnipresent. Always there niggling, poking, picking away at all my inadequacies. Right now she is doing a good job and I am having to fight back but with limited energy.

can you tell who is who?
"You are fat"... well, I have put on a little weight but largely that is because I can't run because of my ankle injury, so I am walking the dog more, starting to watch what I eat and I am thinking Weight Watchers after the holidays...

"Your house is a mess"... ah yes but four people live here so it is a team mess! And it's the holidays and who honestly notices anyway except me

'You are crap at sewing'... just because one friend obviously didn't like the picture you made her doesn't mean a thing. She has no taste.

'Your life has no purpose'...have you met the kids???? They are awesome and all the purpose I need (maybe I need to start believing that rather than just writing it)

SO the fight continues, though even now I am emotional just writing it down.

I wish I could just send her on holiday for a while, just while the seasons change maybe. I love autumn but it is a time of change from up to down, high to low, light to dark and Kay Redfield Jamieson has reported that these are dangerous times for us bipols.

On my walk today with the dog I decided maybe I need to look out my anti depressants again, just for a while, I need to write down the things I am grateful for  and I need to give myself a break from the evil twin. Trouble is I don't know where she lives.

Surely there isn't room in my head for both of us?

Three things to be grateful for...

Molly was much calmer yesterday. Good thing too as the animal warden had been round after neighbors complained about the barking!

I had a lovely morning painting a grudge pony ( Reuben needs company when he is painting his warhammer figures)

I have nearly finished a sewing project that has bugged me for weeks