Sunday, April 30, 2006

Head alert!

It's been a reasonable week, all in all. I tried lowering my depakote by one pill, but felt so stressed by the middle of the afternoon that I had to take another one.

I've been buzzing this week, school has been particularly good. I have felt very involved, especially with the arrangements for interviewing the new head. It was really funny when the Deputy Head couldn't work out the timetable but three women managed on their own to come up with three identical ones. Men huh!

We managed to get some articles onto the Elleray blog too, all about our pond dipping expedition. I've never seen the children so animated about getting their ideas on computer.

I am feeling so fat and unfit at the moment. Even when I go to the gym or for a run, and especially when I play tennis, I just feel incapable. I have joined the club that Chris is a member of. I'm hoping that I can persuade hubby to have the odd game with me but frankly he'll wipe me off the court! We're not spending too much time together at the moment. We had been trying to go climbing and for the odd walk but it's tailed off. I even gave up going to yoga so we had more time together but we now seem to have less time. And trying to organise it so I can get to tennis is even worse. No wonder I'm feeling stressed.

Chelsea won the premiership at last, beating Man U 3-0. It was a beautiful game as well. I must go and check ebay to see if Mourinho' medal is up. I wouldn't part with it but hubby thinks otherwise.

Must try to sleep

Monday, April 24, 2006

Exercising well!

I am feeling so much better of late. Since I've started to reduce the Depakote, I feel more stable and more motivated...and less hungry which has to be a good thing. I've also started to exercise more. Today I jogged to the gym, did a decent workout including a twenty minute run ( on the back of Hawkshead!!) and some good arm weights!

I then managed to go out and play tennis this evening. I had a really good craic in a women's doubles match, where no one took anything too seriously! He who must be obeyed took things very seriously!

I will ache tomorrow but at least I don't have to get up to make sandwiches, as the children are more than capable of making Roo's lunch on their own

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Up and running

And now a bizarre turn around of events!

Having run with Maria, and walked with her family, last Monday I felt down yet slightly more confident about this weekend's run.
The few days at school were fairly uneventful. Lessons seemed to go well; most children were on task( except those that I later found out are leaving at the end of the year).

I awoke on Saturday, alone. Ant was in the basement having got back very late, or should that read early in the morning. There was no milk for cereal so bagel it was ( same as I ate when I ran the marathon, strangely). What I needed was caffeine but couldn't face a coffee that early so I grabbed a few pounds and hoped for the best.

I love driving over to an event. There is a hopefulness, an expectation about it, especially if the weather is good. (cloudy is good).

Claire and ~Graham were their usual organised selves. Claire looks great after her trauma. Must make a mental note to do a sponsored event for neo natal/prem babies. Hawkshead was teeming with people. It was all so friendly and welcoming.

Only flaw was the catering.£1 for a coffee! Anyway, caffeine and sugar did the trick. I like to have caffeine before a run. I read somewhere that it helps with distances as it helps the body to use fat for energy, rather than building up the lactic acid thing. If it's a comfort blanket it works.

The run was gruelling but great fun. There were three hills, which I ran up the majority of. There was one guy who religiously walked up every hill and ran everything else. He was so impressive and beat me. I really enjoyed watching some of the good hill runners carefully picking their way up the inclines. Good job I could beat them on the downs and the flats. I loved them! Came in at 2.02, gives me something to aim at for next year!! Definitely going to do it again, unless the Marathon bug hits me! I also ended up sprinting round the junior race with little Jess to encourage her... not that she needed any encouragement!! She was a star! Shame we didn't get more children along from school, but then I can talk; my kids weren't there!

I may have spent most of the afternoon dozing but it felt really wonderful to be out and running in the open air. Either that has improved my mood or the drugs have finally kicked in. had a bit of a downer when Chelsea lost the FA cup semi final but frankly they played like school boys. The free kick that gave Liverpool the lead was a travesty but Mourenio got his strategy all wrong!

I need to think seriously about running in next week's Keswick half marathon. I really enjoyed last year's but hadn't given much thought to this year, but as I don't feel too stiff itoday it might be worth a try. If only to keep me running and seemingly happier....Watch this space!

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Still down and getting anxious

By rights I should be OK today. Lots of exercise yesterday and lots of fresh air, no aches and pains and the kids back at school tomorrow.

Trouble is, I can't have any time to myself, bar this short interlude. We have friends visiting for a couple of days, which have put the kibosh on my planning or going to school to get everything sorted out. I wouldn't mind but they just seem hyper critical of everything we do. Our house is too messy (we have kids they don't). They take amazing holidays ( above applies)., Our pets are smelly ( good point but I still love my rats and they are better behaved than the cats who can't decide where their litter tray is)

I'm becoming more tense by the minute. The children are whining, Roo thinks Caitlin is getting all the attention, but in reality she is just showing off more than he is. He didn't have lunch and then moaned about being hungry but wouldn't eat a banana so it really meant he wanted chocolate or yoghurt. Then I asked him to get his Karate outfit so that Icould iron it only to find it covered in dirt and dried on red sweets. Hopefully a quick wash cycle will be just that!


we have an INSET tomorrow on First Aid which I really want to skip. I don't really see why we need this training. We have a matron on the site and a couple of very well trained nursery nurses. If anything happens you dial 999 or risk getting sued if something goes wrong. Nuff said.

I think I'll email the Head and suggest that my change in meds is having some odd side effects and that I need to see my psych in the morning...That'll give me an excuse any way and he can't question it!

Now I have to hope dinner cooks in time as we have Karate to get to and Ant has to work... I could do with playing tennis but it looks like it will be too hard to organise. Ah well my life comes fourth I suppose!

Monday, April 17, 2006

What a day

Easter Sunday was delightful; spent time with Maria and her family, the kids having an easter egg hunt and the grown ups drinking lots of coffee and eating chocolate cake.

Monday couldn't be more different. Maria has wanted to go for a run 'off road' for a while and finally collared me in such a way I couldn't say no. We ran up on the Scar this morning in strong winds but it felt wonderful. It's done my confidence a lot of good before the Hawkshead run, though how my legs will feel tomorrow remains to be seen.

Especially as we all then went for a very long walk in the Howgills up a route called the Calf. The children did remarkably well although I was a little concerned about Caitlin's fitness. Helena is such a fit little thing so the contrast was major. reuben did really well considering his legs are so small. I think he was determined to keep up with Declan.

So now we will cuddle up under a duvet and watch a DVD. Nanny McPhee anyone?

P.S. Chelsea move to within one point of the title!!!! Yeah!

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Easter Sunday

I've been having thoughts of regeneration, rebirth, a new start. I'd like to think it had something to do with spirituality but it probably has more to do with the new series of Doctor Who. I have memories of watching the old series with my sister fro m behind the sofa but there was ,I am sure, nothing quite like the Russel T Davies version. It's so wonderful having Saturday nights in with the children. A six year old and an eight year old are the best people to watch it with. Now it's their turn to watch from under the cushions!

And just for the record, David Tennant is dead good! And the impersonation of Cassandra was spot on!

So rebirth and stuff! I am having major struggles with my life. Much of it has to do with the fact that I am changing my medication, from depakote to Lamotrigine. Depakote puts weight on so I think I am using it as an excuse for having gained half a stone or more. Trouble is I have no motivation to do anything about it. What if when I've changed my meds I don't manage to lose the weight? I have got to find my motivation again. I can just about get to the gym but I just seem to put on weight rather than lose it . Reuben and I went shopping the other day. He has such good taste! but the things he chose just didn't fit. He then asked me why I wasn't a size 12 anymore. I was so depressed but it only served to make me eat more. I'm going to try to use the week after Easter to have my own restart!

I'm running in the Hawkshead trail run next week and I have at least managed to go for one long run ( and it's only taken me three days to recover!) Never mind, I only need to finish. I'll walk if I have to!

I suppose the new motivation has to be our holiday. We are going to Cornwall with some pals over Whitsun week. I'd like to be able, no willing, to wear a swimming costume and swim with the kids and so much of that depends on my confidence. I'm just not sure how I can go about improving that!!!

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Regaining control

It has been a time of immense vacillation, in oh so many ways.

In terms of my mental health, since increasing my dose of depakote my moods swings have been more noticeable. Great when I'm having a hyperactive phase but not so fabulous when the motivation lapse hits. My psych and I have therefore decided to try a different approach. I'm sure that depakote has been responsible for my putting on weight too, so we are going to try Lamotrigine instead. We'll have to see if it makes a difference.

School has been the most awkward factor in my life of late. The head has resigned after only eight months owing to general incompetence, governorial issues and at least having the realisation that the school could run better without him. I have had quite a few chats with him and feel I know rather alot about the situation which other people don't. I did contemplate applying for the Headship myself but I'm not sure I'm yet ready to divulge my mental health issues to anyone else. I'm frightened that the stigma would affect other people more than it affects me. I don't wan t to give the governors cause to call my eaching into question.

I am however starting to question the rest of my life but more of that when my computer is not about to run out of juice!!!