I was in Asda's this evening with C on the first karate run, when I suddenly felt my head go.I haven't had such a weird turn in a long time. I've been taking my meds, haven't drunk anything for months ( apart from a week and a half ago) and have been feeling pretty stable. I am proud of my self for being aware that something was happening but I am so sorry that other people had to deal with me. I've snapped at Caitlin for slurping her coke too loudly, and had to pretend to my dad that everything was OK.
I feel so weak, shaky, incapable of anything. Maybe I am physiologically ill but knowing me I doubt it. My heart is pounding; it almost feels like a panic attack in the making. I'm hoping that writing this will give me something to focus on, to prevent a full scale meltdown. Anton will, of course, say that this always happens when he's away. Certainly on Mondays I tend to be more unsettled if he's working away, but then I have usually spent a day pottering aimlessly. This time, it's different. I have the sort of tunnel vision I have experienced in the past, and all my relaxation techniques are failing to deal with the palpitations.
The kids have been so good. I told Roo I was wobbling and might not appreciate his fidgetting and he just got the magnetix out and built quietly. Caitlin has offered me a coffee and then taken her brother off to bed. God I love them . I feel so guilty for being such a mess. I do sometimes feel they would do better without me, but then who would C turn to when her head goes off the lines?
This was supposed to help me focus. I just feel more of a failure now. I'll find a picture and head off to bed. Maybe an early (ish) night will allow me to recover.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
|You Are Buffy the Vampire Slayer|
"We saved the world. I say we have to party."
Caitlin found this excellent blogthing. She ended up being Trinity from the Matrix.
I went through my choices, expecting to be Batgirl but then....
YES, YES, YES, YES, YES!!!!!!!!
Oh and miraculously Henman won 13-11 in the fifth... but not in time for me to watch the end of the match at school before picking the kids up