Frustration

Today has been very frustrating. My head is still in the midst of a stupor. I have felt incredibly tense and in need of oxygen. I can't stop yawning and I am sure that it is because my body needs reenergising. If I was feeling happier, I'd go for a run but I am too frightened of collapsing.

Yesterday I was noise intolerant yet today I needed to thrash so electric guitar and 'stairway to heaven'. I have taught myself the melody to Hallelujah but I can't get to grips with the chords. I'll get Stuart to tab them. It will be good to have an incentive to practice broken chords. I haven't managed to master them yet.

Spent the afternoon praying for tennis and editing children's videos. ICT club have not exactly excelled themselves this year but then they are a lot younger than normal ( no year sixes this year). still the 'spy pigs' have worked well nd now that they have a soundtrack ( James Bond and Kool and the Gang) it feels much more professional.

Family have been frustrating too. Ant has gone on and on and on and on about the house today. I know I am not in the right mood to deal with decisions but I had to keep reminding him. The Danish lady has come back with another message...when the results of the survey on her house are back she will offer. Fingers crossed.

Ant wanted to book a holiday for when the kids break up but he'd forgotten we have sent the passports to the Immigration office. He's trying to make plans to keep himself focussed, like going paragliding or doing a spot of decorating but frankly he's not well enough ( new antibiotics) and hasn't the motivation.

C is still suffering. Everyday she comes out of school complaining about someone or other, usually the teacher, and gets miffy when we suggest that she needs to deal with it! She is very clingy, something I could do without, and needs lots of reassurance. She's been really good at thinking her way through things, finding something to take her mind off her troubles, but she's refusing to consider anything at the moment. Making the flowers helped but she won't try on her own and I am still trying to finish up my work.

I need a good scream, a good rage, a release of tension.

Dad went to his 'coffee morning' today. Seems he enjoyed himself, lots of ladies to pay him attention. Mum brought him over on the way home but he didn't know where he was or who we were. It's quite sweet really, like dealing with a child discovering things for the first time.

I edited the video of the year one talent show today. I was going to delete the end, where Neil does the thanks but decided to watch it first. Glad I did as Veronica was on it, enjoying every moment. I still can't believe she's gone. She was such an integral part of Elleray and gave her all for us ( quite literally) It was lovely that Mark could come on Friday but you could see how much he felt that she should be there. I was talking to Heidi today aout her father in law who has cancer too and has gone downhill in exactly the way Vron did. 15 days is no time at all to say goodbye.

I have retired to our room to update this, to get away from Harry Potter on the wii and to avoid C's tantrum. I feel guilty but I know that they can all have my undivided attention in a few short days. I just need to keep myself calm and safe for now.