Another thing!

I forgot- we got our passports back with a note saying that everything on our residency application looked fine, apart from my medical which has been referred to a consultant. When we went for the medical, the doctor did a very cursory interview with me about my bipolar and, with my psych's report, concluded that I wouldn't be a drain on the NZ health service so I passed. Looks like they just want to be sure and will probably contact Dr S again.

I am nervous that my condition could be a sticking point or indeed a reason for being rejected. I have thought it might be from the very beginning but the Teachers' council seems to think it will be OK and are prepared to register me.

That's not enough to stop the sleepless night's however. We should hear in the next week.

First day of the adventure?

So we finally have an offer on the house. I'd like to say I am relieved but no one seems terribly excited. Too many pitfalls ahead!

We have spent the day trying to declutter the house. I say trying, the kids have filled a box each of absolute necessities and a much smaller box of 'getting rid ofs'! We are doing our first car boot sale tomorrow ( if Ant manages to get up at 7 that is) so our front room is full of bizarre items, from folding chairs to Star wars videos, a saxophone to a lifetime of LPs. The ebay box is getting fuller too. Next question, what do I do with my wedding dress? Can't ebay, so may have to be charity shop. No real point keeping it!.

Finally got round to the 'leaving school' celebration. Got my nose pierced again. I had to take my old stud out when I joined Elleray and kept forgetting to put it back in when I wasn't teaching so it healed up. Now it's back in. I hadn't realised how much I've missed it. I guess the rebel in me quite likes it. Rather than just having my little tattoo, hidden away most of the time, now I have a slightly more public decoration. The girls at school are really quite surprised by the whole thing. They know me as something of a maverick but are not sure about this! We're going to a barbecue tomorrow so it'll get its first public outing then, since I only had a stick on at the last party!

It's Roo's birthday tomorrow too, so we are going to be very busy. Normally whoevers birthday it is gets to decide how we spend the whole day , but Roo is getting no say in the matter. He's having his party next weekend so maybe we'll call next Sunday his day.

D DAY

My last teaching day was fun...that's to say we partied all day. Sara and I ran a pirate party with lots of raucous games and then Amelia had organised a class party. The children arranged everything, bringing in sweets, cakes, chocolate, drink and more cake. They each gave a little speech. Amelia's was fabulous, thanking everyone for coming and helping her to organise the whole thing. Quite the little hostess!

I haven't been emotional which I am quite surprised about. Certain moments have touched my heart; Georgie crying when her House rewarded her efforts as their House Captain with a beautiful card; Megan's superb Acrostic Poem; the bread roll from Maddy and Lissy. I had to expain the process of rocks becoming soil to the whole of the school using a bread roll with a face drawn on it...you had to be there!

Prize Day was much better than I expected. I may not like the fact that the children didn't get to sit with their parents but the format was much better than usual. The Chair of Governors wasn't there, which always helps. His place was taken by Christine Snaith, who truly loves the school. The guest speaker, Stuart Boreham, was pretty good and brought a teddy with him, which always helps. The teddy has rowed across the Atlantic with him!

Ben did OK too, but then he does when he has a list to follow. He gave his speech and gave the prizes at the same time which worked very well. I got five mentions during the whole event, as Year three teacher, as ICT coordinator, as the awardee of my new prize ( for creative thinking ), during Isaac's reply to the keynote speech ( because of his trip to NZ) and then at the end, I was given my 'stannite badge'. I was rather taken aback. Stannites are the old boys and girls, not usually teachers. I was dead touched. I bet it has something to do with Christine!

I got lots of hugs from children, Candice cried again, and many parents came to say thank you. I had a lovely card from Jack's mum. I do need to send some notes to my class. They have made this last year so much better than it could have been. They really are a gorgeous group of children.

Tee hee, finishing day approaches!

I am so proud of myself!

The nauseating head rather rudely asked for my reports this morning. I told him he could have them at the end of the day. This apparantly wasn't good enough. He had wanted them on Friday ( which was news to me!) and demanded them before the end of the day! I told him he could have them when they were finished! Twice. He sloped off! YES! I think the phrase is F**K OFF!

He did get them at the end of the day, minus the Art reports which Sara and I hadn't got our heads together about! I dare say he won't be happy but sod him!

Caitlin's flowers have gone down a storm. B said she felt energised by them. Caitlin's hyperness obviously rubbed off. Only trouble is she needs to make loads more!

Your Hidden Talent

You have the natural talent of rocking the boat, thwarting the system. And while this may not seem big, it can be. It's people like you who serve as the catalysts to major cultural changes. You're just a bit behind the scenes, so no one really notices.

What's Your Hidden Talent?

Frustration

Today has been very frustrating. My head is still in the midst of a stupor. I have felt incredibly tense and in need of oxygen. I can't stop yawning and I am sure that it is because my body needs reenergising. If I was feeling happier, I'd go for a run but I am too frightened of collapsing.

Yesterday I was noise intolerant yet today I needed to thrash so electric guitar and 'stairway to heaven'. I have taught myself the melody to Hallelujah but I can't get to grips with the chords. I'll get Stuart to tab them. It will be good to have an incentive to practice broken chords. I haven't managed to master them yet.

Spent the afternoon praying for tennis and editing children's videos. ICT club have not exactly excelled themselves this year but then they are a lot younger than normal ( no year sixes this year). still the 'spy pigs' have worked well nd now that they have a soundtrack ( James Bond and Kool and the Gang) it feels much more professional.

Family have been frustrating too. Ant has gone on and on and on and on about the house today. I know I am not in the right mood to deal with decisions but I had to keep reminding him. The Danish lady has come back with another message...when the results of the survey on her house are back she will offer. Fingers crossed.

Ant wanted to book a holiday for when the kids break up but he'd forgotten we have sent the passports to the Immigration office. He's trying to make plans to keep himself focussed, like going paragliding or doing a spot of decorating but frankly he's not well enough ( new antibiotics) and hasn't the motivation.

C is still suffering. Everyday she comes out of school complaining about someone or other, usually the teacher, and gets miffy when we suggest that she needs to deal with it! She is very clingy, something I could do without, and needs lots of reassurance. She's been really good at thinking her way through things, finding something to take her mind off her troubles, but she's refusing to consider anything at the moment. Making the flowers helped but she won't try on her own and I am still trying to finish up my work.

I need a good scream, a good rage, a release of tension.

Dad went to his 'coffee morning' today. Seems he enjoyed himself, lots of ladies to pay him attention. Mum brought him over on the way home but he didn't know where he was or who we were. It's quite sweet really, like dealing with a child discovering things for the first time.

I edited the video of the year one talent show today. I was going to delete the end, where Neil does the thanks but decided to watch it first. Glad I did as Veronica was on it, enjoying every moment. I still can't believe she's gone. She was such an integral part of Elleray and gave her all for us ( quite literally) It was lovely that Mark could come on Friday but you could see how much he felt that she should be there. I was talking to Heidi today aout her father in law who has cancer too and has gone downhill in exactly the way Vron did. 15 days is no time at all to say goodbye.

I have retired to our room to update this, to get away from Harry Potter on the wii and to avoid C's tantrum. I feel guilty but I know that they can all have my undivided attention in a few short days. I just need to keep myself calm and safe for now.

Thought so

You Are 84% Tortured Genius

You totally fit the profile of a tortured genius. You're uniquely brilliant - and completely misunderstood. Not like you really want anyone to understand you anyway. You're pretty happy being an island.

Are You a Tortured Genius?

Today's head is off the line. Not surprising really but unfortunate nevertheless.

Yesterday I had to deal with Caitlin's head too. Having told the new psych that we were moving and wouldn't be seeing him again, and that C was dealing well with her head, she had her first all nighter. Trouble was she was at Nanny's, I'd left for work before she got up and she needed her mum. She phoned us at 1am and again at 3am in tears because she couldn't sleep. It's a normal part of being bipolar and you learn to live with it, but it's still difficult when it's your kids going through it.

Subsequently, we went to get them both early yesterday morning and I spent the day with her, shopping for Roo's birthday and then curled up on the sofa watching Labyrinth, and finally making flower brooches for leaving pressies whilst watching Doctor Who. She needed support and comfort and a focus but it was a struggle for me. She managed to get some sleep last night, though I stayed up late working on the photos for prize day and avoiding going to bed.

We went over to Maria and Enda's for lunch. We've finally got them to send their kids to Elleray, to get Helena away from the bullies at her school. Enda will be a fab Elleray dad. He is so honest and will tell it like it is! This time he said he loved the school, it felt like being part of a family, everyone was happy, interested, accommodating. Everyone, except the head! Enda said he felt very uncomfortable with all the pie in the sky aspirations and felt that our Head didn't know anything about the school. Good to get a parent's eye view. He's right. Ben is going about changing things without actually knowing what works, or how Elleray works. That is really disappointing!

I had to come away from lunch because the atmosphere was so tense. I think Enda was gloating coz he's got his way about the kids going to private school and Maria was feeling murderous!

My class are web stars. I got an idea from French Toast Girl about being phantom chalkers and tried it out with my class. I've sent her the photos and she's posted them on her website. So we are famous.

WWW.FRENCHTOASTGIRL.COM

Absent friends

The end of term is always busy and this year is no different, but for some good reasons.

Last night I was treated to my leaving do. It was supposed to be a BIG secret. I knew it was happening but I didn't know what the event was going to be. I was chauffeur driven to Wendy's house to change in to the obligatory posh frock, then driven by a black tied gentleman ( thanks Bob) to a hotel in Windermere for a drink, then onto the jetty where a Lake cruiser was bedecked w ith pictures of kiwis! The team enjoyed a three hour cruise around the Lake, complete with dinner, drinks, chocolate cake, balloons, oh and Alex's chest. It was commented that I usually have the low cut tops on, but only at work! I couldn't compete with her.






The whole evening was lovely! The right people were there ( and the senior senior management but they were very quiet). Even my darling Stuart came over for drinks, though I think he was at his least comfortable. Us IT geeks have to stick together though , and the gift from him and Richard was beautiful.

I only gave a little speech, focussing on friendship, teamwork, family and joy, but I think I got my point across, and didn't cry.


I will post more when I have a minute. I have thank you cards and presents to sort out!

Found it!

Charles Hazlewood Radio Two 22.00 20th June

TRACK: Hallelujah
COMPOSER: Leonard Cohen
ARTIST: Iestyn Davies / Charles Hazlewood

Pay it forward

This email reply says what this post needs to.

Hey honey,

Something is conspiring against me today. I have tried three times to write this email. The first version was brilliant, witty, incisive and so blisteringly well written it was worthy of a Booker Prize. It was lost somewhere in the ether, when my session on AOL expired. This will give you some idea of how long it took to write.

I resolved to use Word, only for a fatal error to occur.


Third time lucky.


As you probably have gathered, I don’t tend to do things by halves, so when you reminded me of my blogging past, it was only a matter of time before I started again. And then of course it would become an obsession, not to mention a perfect means of procrastination. I have lost hours recently, not posting, but following links from my favourite blogs, to their favourites and so on. And don’t get me started on Blogthings!

I had forgotten just why I started the site in the first place. It has been really cathartic this last fortnight and for that I must thank you. The first few posts this time were obviously more of a conversation, or at very least an attempted explanation of some of the stuff my addled brain could not voice when I saw you ( and a good excuse to look at some of my photos again). But having the chance to write, reflect and sometimes resolve many of my issues, and vent my frustrations and angst, in a personal, if not particularly private, way, has been a revelation.

In some ways it worried me to know that someone was reading this stuff but frankly, I don’t think it’s affecting what I write. Maybe it’s making me more honest about what I post ( about most things) because I don’t want to lie to myself or anyone else.

Hearing that song must be a coincidence. I’m sure it wasn’t the Jeff Buckley version; I have that on the So Real album. This was on a programme about castratos and falsettos on radio 2 and was sung purely in falsetto. It was so haunting I nearly had to stop the car. I’ll have to do a search for it on the net. I love Grace too. I remember you mentioning it. It is stunning and I love the guitar rhythm in it. I’m going to get my guitar teacher to tab out some of the chords for me.

I promise you did and said nothing that I need to remind you of last weekend, although I might just remind you of the text you sent me, since I do feel the same way, if not more so!

Last night’s anxiety hasn’t yet lifted. I have struggled through school today, but everyone else feels the same. I hugged one colleague because she looked so upset (and coz I felt so bad) and she then paid it forward. I think that hug went right around the school by lunchtime. Luckily my class figured out quite quickly that I was not to be messed with today, though the senior management were not so sympathetic.

I am sure there is more I need to say but as I don’t have your email in front of me I shall call it a day before I lose this version. I may post this on th eblog as it seems to say what I need to post today too.


Thank you for reminding me that I do matter, occasionally!

Love you loads

Jo

P.S. The trick with Blogthings is to refresh the page if you get a result you don’t like. Some of them, like the artwork, don’t change, but others do. The superheroine just struck a chord, especially given Roo’s new haircut. We are going for an even shorter style next!

Feeling shite!

I was in Asda's this evening with C on the first karate run, when I suddenly felt my head go.I haven't had such a weird turn in a long time. I've been taking my meds, haven't drunk anything for months ( apart from a week and a half ago) and have been feeling pretty stable. I am proud of my self for being aware that something was happening but I am so sorry that other people had to deal with me. I've snapped at Caitlin for slurping her coke too loudly, and had to pretend to my dad that everything was OK.

I feel so weak, shaky, incapable of anything. Maybe I am physiologically ill but knowing me I doubt it. My heart is pounding; it almost feels like a panic attack in the making. I'm hoping that writing this will give me something to focus on, to prevent a full scale meltdown. Anton will, of course, say that this always happens when he's away. Certainly on Mondays I tend to be more unsettled if he's working away, but then I have usually spent a day pottering aimlessly. This time, it's different. I have the sort of tunnel vision I have experienced in the past, and all my relaxation techniques are failing to deal with the palpitations.

The kids have been so good. I told Roo I was wobbling and might not appreciate his fidgetting and he just got the magnetix out and built quietly. Caitlin has offered me a coffee and then taken her brother off to bed. God I love them . I feel so guilty for being such a mess. I do sometimes feel they would do better without me, but then who would C turn to when her head goes off the lines?

This was supposed to help me focus. I just feel more of a failure now. I'll find a picture and head off to bed. Maybe an early (ish) night will allow me to recover.

Weakness????

Your Superhero Profile

Your Superhero Name is The Ghost Punisher Your Superpower is Electrocution Your Weakness is Bald People Your Weapon is Your Thunder Dagger Your Mode of Transportation is Rocket

What's your Superhero Name?

You could hear the cheer in space!

You Are Buffy the Vampire Slayer

"We saved the world. I say we have to party."

What Superheroine Are You?

Caitlin found this excellent blogthing. She ended up being Trinity from the Matrix.

I went through my choices, expecting to be Batgirl but then....

YES, YES, YES, YES, YES!!!!!!!!

Oh and miraculously Henman won 13-11 in the fifth... but not in time for me to watch the end of the match at school before picking the kids up

How am I supposed to concentrate?

Usually the tennis is a calm background to the writing of reports. Not tonight! Bloody Tim Henman can't win a match in less than five sets and it is so bloody stressful. I have at least written 4/12 literacy reports and the juices are beginning to flow. Please get it over with!


Shit, another deuce!

And another!

Match point Henman!
Deuce!

Ad Moya

Game Moya! Bugger!

How on earth can they go off now? Bad light my foot! It's only 9.15! Wooses!

Must stop now!

Star Wars Horoscope for Scorpio

You are a powerful character. You tend to be possessive and lusty - which explains your greedy nature. You feel threatened when people try to order you around or control you. You are prone to suspicion and jealousy - but your resilience and passion get you what you want. Star wars character you are most like: Han Solo

What Is Your Star Wars Horoscope?

Now that sounds right!

The kids are R2D2 and Luke Skywalker, but which is which?

I really should be writing reports!!!!!

Your Passion is Red!

You've got that spark - a good dose of intensity, power, and determination. You do whatever you want in life ... to hell with what anyone thinks! With so many interests and loves, you're always running around doing something new. You have fire in your eyes, and it shows. Bet you're even wearing something red!

What Type of Passionate Woman Are You?

I wish. Or maybe...

Before and After

Before!


After!

How gorgeous is he!

It's gone

The official residency application went today.


I wish I could feel more excited about it.


And it's raining at Wimbledon!

The Drums aren't coming!!!

Spent the day in Blackpool. It started weird and got worse. Anton suggested we visit the Dr Who exhibition but when we got there he announced he thought it was the one based on the new series, rather than the older Doctors. The kids and I have already been to Manchester to the new one ( and need to return sometime for the newer creatures)

So he started disappointed. The exhibition was actually rather good; I loved the Dr costumes, especially the scarf, and there are some regeneration videos which sparked many memories. So did Bessie!

He then announced he really wasn't feeling well. So just like normal then!

After lunch however he insisted on dragging us to the Pleasure beach. I really didn't see the point. Caitlin hates rides. Reuben loves them but is too small for the big ones and Ant wasn't feeling up to going on one. I love them now ( adrenalin kick) but it's difficult with kids etc in tow. He gave the kids a choice of rides...Roo chose a Mario Racing amusement game and C went on a very long winded car 'driving' ride at half a mile an hour. Boy did I need caffeine!

Got back to the car to find a parking ticket. My fault for misreading the time on it but this led to three hours of silence and drumming. There is no such thing as quiet in this house. The incessant irish drumming really hits a nerve, but mention it and he carries on louder!

I'm trying to concentrate on writing reports (due in on Tuesday) but it's impossible. I need an absence of stimulation for the juices to flow. I'd like to sit in Costas all day tomorrow, laptop in hand, but I have been told we are filling in the BIG APPLICATION FORM!!!

I've already spent nearly a whole day correcting his mistakes on the original application. I kinda feel unimportant unless I'm pushing paper for him. I'm facing a very emotional two weeks at work and he can't see why. He will just argue that it's my head talking again. Maybe it is but it's still a valid feeling.

Hmm! I have this feeling that this has become a rambling rant. Not sure that is a good idea! Probably the wrong time of the month to be posting! Might explain my very odd thoughts of late...or a distinct lack of caffeine ( see above).

Feeling rather lost, underwhelmed, unappreciated and unsupported

Highs and Lows

Caitlin has had a hard day today. Her mood has vacillated wildly. She began by lying about having breakfast. She said she had had some, but hadn't. After her trip to Arnside she has been more conscious of her tummy. I wonder what was said to her, though she won't talk about it.

We went searching for Roo's birthday presents and for a suitable 'trophy' for my new Award for Creative Thinking at school. Her tone changed by the minute, up one minute, sobbing the next, the usual really, probably due to her lack of breakfast. We did find a trophy. My heart was set on something wooden, a sculpture or a puzzle . But then we stumbled across the perfet thing; a nepalese singing bowl. I'd never been in the Tiger's Eye shop before so obviously it was fate. The assistant used to work with Jo Williams at Over Kellet and another customer knew Carla. Concidence? I like to think not! My 'prize' needed to be quirky but this is so suitable. The stuffed shirts will see a cup ( OK so not a traditional one) whilst we will know it is something special! It really made me tingle, so I knew it was right.

When C and I walked home, she got very emotional about Grandad. He had forgotten mum's name yesterday and thought I was his granddaughter. Ant says we shouldn't put him on the spot; just tell him, or mention each other by name so he has a clue. She needed a big cuddle and a good cry. She wants to know how long he's got and says that he isn't really her grandad any more. She wants the old one back.

We went to see Sara and Jess in their dance show. Jess was superb, a five year old bossy boots, telling her tutued mates what to do. Sara's cancan was a sight. I shall never look at her in the same light again...and neither will Anton, once he took his eyes off the well developed girl who should not have been wearing a tutu. There comes an age...

C gave Jess a little rabbit but got upset because she didn't know how to get it to her. Usually she is mega confident but wouldn't go backstage. We waited and saw Jess and Sara so C was OK but still wobbly.

She has so much on her mind; grandad, selling the house, moving, leaving school, daddy's health, her tummy, how to kill Bethany!. Who'd be a kid? I try to keep her in the loop. She may only be nine but she needs to feel a sense of control just like I do. Ant is talking about booking flights even without selling the house.

I have an appointment to see C's new psych on Friday. At least they have agreed there is something there but I don't see what they can do to help until she is older and needs meds like me. At least this way there is evidence of our concern so in the next few years we hopefully won't have to fight like I did.

The doctor versus the master. Round one to the master, greater charisma, superb smile and totally off his head....cool!

Not a care in the world...freedom