POTFEST

We went to PotFest at Hutton in the Forest today. It's a big event about pottery ( what else?) with lots of potters exhibiting and selling stuff, from vases to tiles, from mugs to garden sculptures. I took the kids last year to the cattle market in Penrith but this was a much better venue, a huge house and gardens and weather to match.

We bought some green stoneware mugs and bowls from my favourite pot man Nick Williams and some very colourful mugs from the brightest stall in the whole place.

It's a really inspiring event. I come home and just want to create something, paint something, sculpt something, sew something. Today I ironed something! Ah well!

I am going to continue with my latest sampler for the boys.

I really want to see if my moji really reflects my mood. He said I was happy earlier when I wasn't but, give him his due, he did change his opinion!

There's one born...

Not having a great time lately. Ant is back on the antibiotics and is soo irritating. He spends every spare minute on the top floor playing the tin whistle and the bodhrum. Caitlin is overtired from a sleepover, Reuben's glued to his DS and the mother in law is up. Delightful though she is, I find it very stressful having her around. She questions everything, why are we leaving stuff behind when we move, why do we don't we sell things on eBay more...hum, can't lift our telly let alone sell it! she is very well meaning but just gets on my nerves.
I have sold a few things on eBay this week. I can't believe a toy snowman sold for £18, major profit as it was a present.



Still feeling very frustrated about everything, we have had a surveyor round but the sale seems to be taking so long. No sign of the visas yet, no plans for the summer, bar from Cropredy ( four days in a wet field- good beer though). I just can't seem to get the rest of the family motivated. I fancied a trip to the local art gallery to do some sketching with the kids only they couldn't be bothered so Ant and I went for a whole half an hour. I didn't rate the watercolours ( Ruskin and Turner) but the modern stuff was excellent. It was a showcase of Abbott Hall's whole catalogue, including Freud, Bridget Riley, Auerbach, Rigo, Spencer and Hockney.

I've started some new sewing projects to try and get my oomph back ( oh god just seen the cricket scores!) A wedding and two baby welcomers should keep me occupied. I'm trying to decide whether I should go to bed or sew all night. I am desperate for some space but Caitlin needs mega attention and if you so much as hesitate she flies off the rails. I don't want to go to bed because I could do with lots of space just to spread out. I know it's mostly stress but it doesn't help to know that. My skin had deteriorated dramatically, which doesn't exactly help my mood, and as for eating...

Tee hee

We won a runner's up prize for our HP costumes. Can't wait to see what we've won!

P.S. We won a copy of 'A guide to Wizards of the World ' by Merlin ( who else?)

A sense of foreboding

Everything seems to be going too well. We have a sale on the house, the visas are due any minute, the last carboot sale got rid of a decent amount of stuff, ebay is going well and yet...

I feel awful. I did think Ihad my 'stress stomach' ache but the usual pain killers are useless and my back is killing me. It must be anxiety but this time there is little I can do about it. Wea re just playing a waiting game and hoping that we won't be hit by the same flooding as the rest of the country. Our river isn't even looking the least bit high (famous last words).

The kids had a sporty day yesterday. We played tennis for an hour and a half. Roo has a fearsome forehand and Caitlin gets the most amazing angles. A few more years and they WILL wipe the floor with uncle Paul! Then Ant took them to the driving range for their first go at golf. They thoroughly enjoyed it. I sloped into town for a coffee. I enjoyed that too. C and I spent the afternoon on the sofa. She never sleeps during the day so we must have worn her out. They then needed to go to Karate for an hour. I think the poor things will need a rest tomorrow ( and the dentists!) We are making a concerted effort with C's weight at the mo. She admits to being a secret eater, which is why i never let her out of my sight. We are eating much more healthily though I spotted a major increase in her milk intake yesterday. Need to watch that one.

Divination rules!

Then, with a bright white flash and a crack, a crystal ball fell on top of his head and he crumpled to the floor and did not move.

"I have more!" shrieked Professor Trelawny from over the banisters, "more for any who want them! Here-"

And with a movement like a tennis serve, she heaved another enormous crystal sphere from her bag, waved her wand through the air, and caused the ball to speed across the hall and smash through a window.

Harry Potter

Started queuing at 22.40
Bought two books at 00.18.
Started reading at 00.45.
Slept 03.00 till 07.00
Finished book at 12.18.

Cried 3 times,
Cheered twice...good ole Neville!



A good editor would have cut most of the middle 200 pages but I wouldn't have missed the annual thrill!

Life on Mars

God do I still feel shit! I spent the morning on the sofa with 'Life on Mars' though I only saw about one out of three episodes as I fell asleep.
Ant was in a foul mood; we had a silent coffee this morning and he is showing no interest in the move, which is driving me up the wall!
Went to see Shrek with the kids after school; not as good as the earlier ones but a nice way to spend a hour or so.
So now I have to sort out their scrapbooks to take to school so their friends can sign them. A late night beckons!

End of term illness strikes

I have felt shit for two days now, I reckon it's the end of term illness that has been delayed by a week! Everything aches and I feel like death ( not literally of course).
As far as Ant is concerned it's just my head that's gone. As always! I am not allowed to be ill.
C performed well at the talent show, although the sound was a little dodgy!

Poetry 2

Deep within that hollow stare,
of our presence they're unaware.
A special life that's fading away,
in spite of things we try to convey.

Memories locked up in their mind,
and there it's kept all confined.
The good times spent long ago,
with all their love they did bestow.

For these moments will live forever,
and our pride in them will endeavor.
Seeing them lying there we know why,
Alzheimer's is called the long good-bye.

Family

Spent the day sewing in C's class, making hand and finger puppets and generally making a nuisance of myself. A.M. they had the lovely Mrs Klijn who was fab and enthusiastic; PM we had the usual teacher who certainly doesn't come across as enthusiastic. Hey ho! One TA and I shared our opinions on C's nemesis...and I thought it was just me who thought she was a cow!

Mum has had a tough time lately. Dad has deteriorated again. He was horrible to her and she nearly walked out. A tearful conversation to me and a call from Anton got her through the night and she managed to get Dad to go to Benson Green for the day. She desperately needed a break from him.

Nearly the whole family went out for dinner tonight, just to Wetherspoons, who coped marvellously with 16 of us. Mum figured that it might be the last time that we could all get together, only Ange was missing, before we wander off or before Dad finally pops his clogs. It was a really nice occasion. The nephews are all so grown up, C loved being with the big girls (21 and 19) and Roo was just Roo! It really cheered Dad up to see us all together. He was quite tearful again and needed many reminders about who we all were. But it was worth it to see Mum happy! She will probably bear the brunt tomorrow but I can take C over to lessen the burden.







We finally heard from the NZIS. My medical has been cleared ( Thank god!) and the rough timescale is now 4 weeks, so mid August when we shall hopefully have a sold house and a blue sticker in our passports. Bring it on!

Poetry One

A blade of grass
by Brian Patten

You ask for a poem.
I offer you a blade of grass.
You say it is not good enough.
You ask for a poem.

I say this blade of grass will do.
It has dressed itself in frost,
It is more immediate
Than any image of my making.

You say it is not a poem,
It is a blade of grass and grass
Is not quite good enough.
I offer you a blade of grass.

You are indignant.
You say it is too easy to offer grass.
It is absurd.
Anyone can offer a blade of grass.

You ask for a poem.
And so I write you a tragedy about
How a blade of grass
Becomes more and more difficult to offer,

And about how as you grow older
A blade of grass
Becomes more difficult to accept.

How good is an achievement?

Only as good as you feel it is?

What do you do when your children both come home with glowing reports? Praise them of course!

But what do you do when your two children bring home said glowing reports and one of them has level 4 in Maths, Reading and Writing whilst the other has level 3b in writing, 4A in reading and 4b in Maths? Priase them on being well ahead of the average for the SATS but remind them that these levels only apply to single tests on a specific day, not how intelligent, smart, thoughtful, caring they are the rest of the time!

My dilemma is this Caitlin scored really well, has a perfect report but she got the 3b in her writing and Reuben got a 4. At year three they don't demarcate the level 4s into abc because frankly they don't expect year three to get level 4.

So Caitlin bursts into tears and is wandering around as though she has just failed everything, whilst Roo is just playing on his ds as though nothing has happened. Yes he's proud of himself but that's enough for him. He doesn't need a big deal made of it.

CAitlin has also got through to the final of the talent contest, playing 'Wonderful tonight' as a duet with Beth on the clarinet. Of course now her confidence has gone through the floor so she will expect to fail at that too!

Hmm I remember my dad saying something similar when I got my degree result ( not exactly a fail but felt it at the time) and then having to go and give a Rotary speech. But hey, I gave the speech and a damn fine one it was too! Red rag and bull spring to mind.

Rollercoaster Day

Yet more ups and downs. Have to confess I have been less than consistent with my meds this week. It's an end of term thing. Back on the straight and narrow today...in other words I have got my new prescription, have felt shit, spaced, lonely, annoyed and incredibly tired, but it is now 12.50am the ironing is done and I am sorely tempted to go and clear out my wardrobe.

This really is the usual end of term reaction. The problem this year is that I haven't actually had any time to go through the low phase because I have had stuff to do and have had no time on my own. That's one of the weird things. I feel really lonely at the moment inspite of never being on my own or able to make my own decisions about what to do. Ant said i looked like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders this morning but I so couldn't talk to him. How do you put it into words? Even he is starting to sound concerned about the application, though.

Kids had their sports day today. C's house , Blencathra, won. I don't quite understand why Roo isn't in the same house. Neil and I agreed that our sports day was superb by comparison. I appreciate we have fewer children but the whole thing works like clockwork, the children organise themselves, and as for the results, well the spreadsheets are fantastic! Smug, smug, smug! Anton told me off for saying 'we do a good sports day'. I have started saying 'they'.

Did all the ironing today, just so I can start sorting out what we're taking. Sure fire sign I am getting back to normal.

Next crisis will be my weight again. One problem, with being at home when Ant is, is that we go out for breakfast every day. Bad move but it will stop when the kids are on hols. They are such a good incentive.

At 1.00 I think I need to call it a day. Spare room again I think (or basement..there's a better reading light down there)
Had better add that y head is suddenly strting to race. My forehead is feeling tight and movement is rather more jerky. My jaw has clamped too, sign of things to come? Better go to bed , NOW

Joining bandwagons

I know, I know, these are all over the internet right now but it had to be done. I wanted to be fatter and dumpier but C wouldn't let me!

Sort of finished at school again today. That's to say went in, did my paperwork ( about 10 months earlier than I usually do), picked up some stuff, dropped off a big box of books for the library ( from my kids) and tried not to make too much mess (some hope). It felt very odd and rather final. I have no desire to go in again. Jane is already backing the boards and making the place her own, though Sara may have something to say about that!
It is interesting how different people react to my junk. Sharon instantly reached for her purse when I gave her some picture books for Adam, whilst others just went 'Thanks' and buggered off. Not that I am bothered by selling stuff, I just think it's interesting.

Ant is not well again but we still managed an hour's run around with the kids in the park. I have promised them relatively undivided attention and this way we get fresh air and fun too. Tomorrow is Sport's Day and Roo's swimming so they'll get their exercise that way.

Dad was better this evening. He still gets confused and thinks we are living in NZ but he always manages to remember Anton , even when Ant is at home. Mum looked a bit stressed but at least she has had some 'her-time' this week.

Ups and Downs

Woke up snapping apparantly! I felt Ant was snapping too but as ever it was my fault. We went for a walk on the Scar, starting in brilliant sunshine and ending up drenched in ice cold rain. Managed to have a cuddle at the bandstand but by then I needed it. Ant had a go at me for snapping and I felt he was saying that I was responsible for all my actions and that he didn't need to help the situation with my moods. He does seem to be rather selfish at times. He hadn't mentioned to my mum the possibility of her picking the kids up if we went paragliding, which I felt was a matter of respect. Given what is going on in her life I feel we can't take her for granted.

Managed to get myself sorted ( had a good cry, pointed out how helpless I feel, how I am convinced that NZ will reject me coz of my condition).

Had a lovely lunch at the Wheatsheaf, felt slightly underdressed (shorts and muddy legs) but enjoyed the hotpot.

Other achievements:
Posted on freecycle, got rid of one bed, plastic drawers, shelf, a few albums and a guitar (and not for free either); nearly got rid of the boys too but the chap was having a heart op and had no one else to look after them whilst he is in hospital-ho hum!
Played in the park for a hour with the kids and some other youngsters who got stuck in when we played pig in the middle.
Sorted a box of books for school.

Didn't manage to even start the ironing. Ah well

Happy birthday Boo

Reuben's eighth birthday came and went. Caitlin brought him breakfast in bed, or should that read breakfast on bed, crumbs and spills everwhere! He opened pressies in ten seconds flat, almost totally technological- DS and games, tamagotchi, cubes. The only books he got were ones he's already got so a return to Amazon beckons.

First car boot sale was an experience. The number of people haggling over 20p was astounding. Ant reckons we made about £100, not bad for aday when there were 4 carboots in Kendal alone. I still have a car full of rubbish, I mean wonderful opportunities for rehoming. I took Roo home after an hour coz he was so hyper.

Slept through the Grand Prix, sad Lewis Hamilton didn't win at Silverstone. Managed to miss the tennis too. Went to a BBQ at Claire's and relied on Ant's phone for updates. Turns out it was the match of the tournament/year/century. Hey ho better watch the highlights.

Kurt rang from the States. He is such a gem of a godfather, always remembers the kids' birthdays.

Also got news from the States that Josh and David's 'babies' have arrived, prem twins of a surrogate mum. Only in my life could this be normal. I don't mean anything by that, just try explaining some of my friends to my mother ( actually she is far more understanding than that but you get the idea)

Another thing!

I forgot- we got our passports back with a note saying that everything on our residency application looked fine, apart from my medical which has been referred to a consultant. When we went for the medical, the doctor did a very cursory interview with me about my bipolar and, with my psych's report, concluded that I wouldn't be a drain on the NZ health service so I passed. Looks like they just want to be sure and will probably contact Dr S again.

I am nervous that my condition could be a sticking point or indeed a reason for being rejected. I have thought it might be from the very beginning but the Teachers' council seems to think it will be OK and are prepared to register me.

That's not enough to stop the sleepless night's however. We should hear in the next week.

First day of the adventure?

So we finally have an offer on the house. I'd like to say I am relieved but no one seems terribly excited. Too many pitfalls ahead!

We have spent the day trying to declutter the house. I say trying, the kids have filled a box each of absolute necessities and a much smaller box of 'getting rid ofs'! We are doing our first car boot sale tomorrow ( if Ant manages to get up at 7 that is) so our front room is full of bizarre items, from folding chairs to Star wars videos, a saxophone to a lifetime of LPs. The ebay box is getting fuller too. Next question, what do I do with my wedding dress? Can't ebay, so may have to be charity shop. No real point keeping it!.

Finally got round to the 'leaving school' celebration. Got my nose pierced again. I had to take my old stud out when I joined Elleray and kept forgetting to put it back in when I wasn't teaching so it healed up. Now it's back in. I hadn't realised how much I've missed it. I guess the rebel in me quite likes it. Rather than just having my little tattoo, hidden away most of the time, now I have a slightly more public decoration. The girls at school are really quite surprised by the whole thing. They know me as something of a maverick but are not sure about this! We're going to a barbecue tomorrow so it'll get its first public outing then, since I only had a stick on at the last party!

It's Roo's birthday tomorrow too, so we are going to be very busy. Normally whoevers birthday it is gets to decide how we spend the whole day , but Roo is getting no say in the matter. He's having his party next weekend so maybe we'll call next Sunday his day.

D DAY

My last teaching day was fun...that's to say we partied all day. Sara and I ran a pirate party with lots of raucous games and then Amelia had organised a class party. The children arranged everything, bringing in sweets, cakes, chocolate, drink and more cake. They each gave a little speech. Amelia's was fabulous, thanking everyone for coming and helping her to organise the whole thing. Quite the little hostess!

I haven't been emotional which I am quite surprised about. Certain moments have touched my heart; Georgie crying when her House rewarded her efforts as their House Captain with a beautiful card; Megan's superb Acrostic Poem; the bread roll from Maddy and Lissy. I had to expain the process of rocks becoming soil to the whole of the school using a bread roll with a face drawn on it...you had to be there!

Prize Day was much better than I expected. I may not like the fact that the children didn't get to sit with their parents but the format was much better than usual. The Chair of Governors wasn't there, which always helps. His place was taken by Christine Snaith, who truly loves the school. The guest speaker, Stuart Boreham, was pretty good and brought a teddy with him, which always helps. The teddy has rowed across the Atlantic with him!

Ben did OK too, but then he does when he has a list to follow. He gave his speech and gave the prizes at the same time which worked very well. I got five mentions during the whole event, as Year three teacher, as ICT coordinator, as the awardee of my new prize ( for creative thinking ), during Isaac's reply to the keynote speech ( because of his trip to NZ) and then at the end, I was given my 'stannite badge'. I was rather taken aback. Stannites are the old boys and girls, not usually teachers. I was dead touched. I bet it has something to do with Christine!

I got lots of hugs from children, Candice cried again, and many parents came to say thank you. I had a lovely card from Jack's mum. I do need to send some notes to my class. They have made this last year so much better than it could have been. They really are a gorgeous group of children.

Tee hee, finishing day approaches!

I am so proud of myself!

The nauseating head rather rudely asked for my reports this morning. I told him he could have them at the end of the day. This apparantly wasn't good enough. He had wanted them on Friday ( which was news to me!) and demanded them before the end of the day! I told him he could have them when they were finished! Twice. He sloped off! YES! I think the phrase is F**K OFF!

He did get them at the end of the day, minus the Art reports which Sara and I hadn't got our heads together about! I dare say he won't be happy but sod him!

Caitlin's flowers have gone down a storm. B said she felt energised by them. Caitlin's hyperness obviously rubbed off. Only trouble is she needs to make loads more!

Your Hidden Talent

You have the natural talent of rocking the boat, thwarting the system. And while this may not seem big, it can be. It's people like you who serve as the catalysts to major cultural changes. You're just a bit behind the scenes, so no one really notices.

What's Your Hidden Talent?

Frustration

Today has been very frustrating. My head is still in the midst of a stupor. I have felt incredibly tense and in need of oxygen. I can't stop yawning and I am sure that it is because my body needs reenergising. If I was feeling happier, I'd go for a run but I am too frightened of collapsing.

Yesterday I was noise intolerant yet today I needed to thrash so electric guitar and 'stairway to heaven'. I have taught myself the melody to Hallelujah but I can't get to grips with the chords. I'll get Stuart to tab them. It will be good to have an incentive to practice broken chords. I haven't managed to master them yet.

Spent the afternoon praying for tennis and editing children's videos. ICT club have not exactly excelled themselves this year but then they are a lot younger than normal ( no year sixes this year). still the 'spy pigs' have worked well nd now that they have a soundtrack ( James Bond and Kool and the Gang) it feels much more professional.

Family have been frustrating too. Ant has gone on and on and on and on about the house today. I know I am not in the right mood to deal with decisions but I had to keep reminding him. The Danish lady has come back with another message...when the results of the survey on her house are back she will offer. Fingers crossed.

Ant wanted to book a holiday for when the kids break up but he'd forgotten we have sent the passports to the Immigration office. He's trying to make plans to keep himself focussed, like going paragliding or doing a spot of decorating but frankly he's not well enough ( new antibiotics) and hasn't the motivation.

C is still suffering. Everyday she comes out of school complaining about someone or other, usually the teacher, and gets miffy when we suggest that she needs to deal with it! She is very clingy, something I could do without, and needs lots of reassurance. She's been really good at thinking her way through things, finding something to take her mind off her troubles, but she's refusing to consider anything at the moment. Making the flowers helped but she won't try on her own and I am still trying to finish up my work.

I need a good scream, a good rage, a release of tension.

Dad went to his 'coffee morning' today. Seems he enjoyed himself, lots of ladies to pay him attention. Mum brought him over on the way home but he didn't know where he was or who we were. It's quite sweet really, like dealing with a child discovering things for the first time.

I edited the video of the year one talent show today. I was going to delete the end, where Neil does the thanks but decided to watch it first. Glad I did as Veronica was on it, enjoying every moment. I still can't believe she's gone. She was such an integral part of Elleray and gave her all for us ( quite literally) It was lovely that Mark could come on Friday but you could see how much he felt that she should be there. I was talking to Heidi today aout her father in law who has cancer too and has gone downhill in exactly the way Vron did. 15 days is no time at all to say goodbye.

I have retired to our room to update this, to get away from Harry Potter on the wii and to avoid C's tantrum. I feel guilty but I know that they can all have my undivided attention in a few short days. I just need to keep myself calm and safe for now.

Thought so

You Are 84% Tortured Genius

You totally fit the profile of a tortured genius. You're uniquely brilliant - and completely misunderstood. Not like you really want anyone to understand you anyway. You're pretty happy being an island.

Are You a Tortured Genius?

Today's head is off the line. Not surprising really but unfortunate nevertheless.

Yesterday I had to deal with Caitlin's head too. Having told the new psych that we were moving and wouldn't be seeing him again, and that C was dealing well with her head, she had her first all nighter. Trouble was she was at Nanny's, I'd left for work before she got up and she needed her mum. She phoned us at 1am and again at 3am in tears because she couldn't sleep. It's a normal part of being bipolar and you learn to live with it, but it's still difficult when it's your kids going through it.

Subsequently, we went to get them both early yesterday morning and I spent the day with her, shopping for Roo's birthday and then curled up on the sofa watching Labyrinth, and finally making flower brooches for leaving pressies whilst watching Doctor Who. She needed support and comfort and a focus but it was a struggle for me. She managed to get some sleep last night, though I stayed up late working on the photos for prize day and avoiding going to bed.

We went over to Maria and Enda's for lunch. We've finally got them to send their kids to Elleray, to get Helena away from the bullies at her school. Enda will be a fab Elleray dad. He is so honest and will tell it like it is! This time he said he loved the school, it felt like being part of a family, everyone was happy, interested, accommodating. Everyone, except the head! Enda said he felt very uncomfortable with all the pie in the sky aspirations and felt that our Head didn't know anything about the school. Good to get a parent's eye view. He's right. Ben is going about changing things without actually knowing what works, or how Elleray works. That is really disappointing!

I had to come away from lunch because the atmosphere was so tense. I think Enda was gloating coz he's got his way about the kids going to private school and Maria was feeling murderous!

My class are web stars. I got an idea from French Toast Girl about being phantom chalkers and tried it out with my class. I've sent her the photos and she's posted them on her website. So we are famous.

WWW.FRENCHTOASTGIRL.COM

Absent friends

The end of term is always busy and this year is no different, but for some good reasons.

Last night I was treated to my leaving do. It was supposed to be a BIG secret. I knew it was happening but I didn't know what the event was going to be. I was chauffeur driven to Wendy's house to change in to the obligatory posh frock, then driven by a black tied gentleman ( thanks Bob) to a hotel in Windermere for a drink, then onto the jetty where a Lake cruiser was bedecked w ith pictures of kiwis! The team enjoyed a three hour cruise around the Lake, complete with dinner, drinks, chocolate cake, balloons, oh and Alex's chest. It was commented that I usually have the low cut tops on, but only at work! I couldn't compete with her.






The whole evening was lovely! The right people were there ( and the senior senior management but they were very quiet). Even my darling Stuart came over for drinks, though I think he was at his least comfortable. Us IT geeks have to stick together though , and the gift from him and Richard was beautiful.

I only gave a little speech, focussing on friendship, teamwork, family and joy, but I think I got my point across, and didn't cry.


I will post more when I have a minute. I have thank you cards and presents to sort out!

Found it!

Charles Hazlewood Radio Two 22.00 20th June

TRACK: Hallelujah
COMPOSER: Leonard Cohen
ARTIST: Iestyn Davies / Charles Hazlewood

Pay it forward

This email reply says what this post needs to.

Hey honey,

Something is conspiring against me today. I have tried three times to write this email. The first version was brilliant, witty, incisive and so blisteringly well written it was worthy of a Booker Prize. It was lost somewhere in the ether, when my session on AOL expired. This will give you some idea of how long it took to write.

I resolved to use Word, only for a fatal error to occur.


Third time lucky.


As you probably have gathered, I don’t tend to do things by halves, so when you reminded me of my blogging past, it was only a matter of time before I started again. And then of course it would become an obsession, not to mention a perfect means of procrastination. I have lost hours recently, not posting, but following links from my favourite blogs, to their favourites and so on. And don’t get me started on Blogthings!

I had forgotten just why I started the site in the first place. It has been really cathartic this last fortnight and for that I must thank you. The first few posts this time were obviously more of a conversation, or at very least an attempted explanation of some of the stuff my addled brain could not voice when I saw you ( and a good excuse to look at some of my photos again). But having the chance to write, reflect and sometimes resolve many of my issues, and vent my frustrations and angst, in a personal, if not particularly private, way, has been a revelation.

In some ways it worried me to know that someone was reading this stuff but frankly, I don’t think it’s affecting what I write. Maybe it’s making me more honest about what I post ( about most things) because I don’t want to lie to myself or anyone else.

Hearing that song must be a coincidence. I’m sure it wasn’t the Jeff Buckley version; I have that on the So Real album. This was on a programme about castratos and falsettos on radio 2 and was sung purely in falsetto. It was so haunting I nearly had to stop the car. I’ll have to do a search for it on the net. I love Grace too. I remember you mentioning it. It is stunning and I love the guitar rhythm in it. I’m going to get my guitar teacher to tab out some of the chords for me.

I promise you did and said nothing that I need to remind you of last weekend, although I might just remind you of the text you sent me, since I do feel the same way, if not more so!

Last night’s anxiety hasn’t yet lifted. I have struggled through school today, but everyone else feels the same. I hugged one colleague because she looked so upset (and coz I felt so bad) and she then paid it forward. I think that hug went right around the school by lunchtime. Luckily my class figured out quite quickly that I was not to be messed with today, though the senior management were not so sympathetic.

I am sure there is more I need to say but as I don’t have your email in front of me I shall call it a day before I lose this version. I may post this on th eblog as it seems to say what I need to post today too.


Thank you for reminding me that I do matter, occasionally!

Love you loads

Jo

P.S. The trick with Blogthings is to refresh the page if you get a result you don’t like. Some of them, like the artwork, don’t change, but others do. The superheroine just struck a chord, especially given Roo’s new haircut. We are going for an even shorter style next!

Feeling shite!

I was in Asda's this evening with C on the first karate run, when I suddenly felt my head go.I haven't had such a weird turn in a long time. I've been taking my meds, haven't drunk anything for months ( apart from a week and a half ago) and have been feeling pretty stable. I am proud of my self for being aware that something was happening but I am so sorry that other people had to deal with me. I've snapped at Caitlin for slurping her coke too loudly, and had to pretend to my dad that everything was OK.

I feel so weak, shaky, incapable of anything. Maybe I am physiologically ill but knowing me I doubt it. My heart is pounding; it almost feels like a panic attack in the making. I'm hoping that writing this will give me something to focus on, to prevent a full scale meltdown. Anton will, of course, say that this always happens when he's away. Certainly on Mondays I tend to be more unsettled if he's working away, but then I have usually spent a day pottering aimlessly. This time, it's different. I have the sort of tunnel vision I have experienced in the past, and all my relaxation techniques are failing to deal with the palpitations.

The kids have been so good. I told Roo I was wobbling and might not appreciate his fidgetting and he just got the magnetix out and built quietly. Caitlin has offered me a coffee and then taken her brother off to bed. God I love them . I feel so guilty for being such a mess. I do sometimes feel they would do better without me, but then who would C turn to when her head goes off the lines?

This was supposed to help me focus. I just feel more of a failure now. I'll find a picture and head off to bed. Maybe an early (ish) night will allow me to recover.

Weakness????

Your Superhero Profile

Your Superhero Name is The Ghost Punisher Your Superpower is Electrocution Your Weakness is Bald People Your Weapon is Your Thunder Dagger Your Mode of Transportation is Rocket

What's your Superhero Name?

You could hear the cheer in space!

You Are Buffy the Vampire Slayer

"We saved the world. I say we have to party."

What Superheroine Are You?

Caitlin found this excellent blogthing. She ended up being Trinity from the Matrix.

I went through my choices, expecting to be Batgirl but then....

YES, YES, YES, YES, YES!!!!!!!!

Oh and miraculously Henman won 13-11 in the fifth... but not in time for me to watch the end of the match at school before picking the kids up

How am I supposed to concentrate?

Usually the tennis is a calm background to the writing of reports. Not tonight! Bloody Tim Henman can't win a match in less than five sets and it is so bloody stressful. I have at least written 4/12 literacy reports and the juices are beginning to flow. Please get it over with!


Shit, another deuce!

And another!

Match point Henman!
Deuce!

Ad Moya

Game Moya! Bugger!

How on earth can they go off now? Bad light my foot! It's only 9.15! Wooses!

Must stop now!

Star Wars Horoscope for Scorpio

You are a powerful character. You tend to be possessive and lusty - which explains your greedy nature. You feel threatened when people try to order you around or control you. You are prone to suspicion and jealousy - but your resilience and passion get you what you want. Star wars character you are most like: Han Solo

What Is Your Star Wars Horoscope?

Now that sounds right!

The kids are R2D2 and Luke Skywalker, but which is which?

I really should be writing reports!!!!!

Your Passion is Red!

You've got that spark - a good dose of intensity, power, and determination. You do whatever you want in life ... to hell with what anyone thinks! With so many interests and loves, you're always running around doing something new. You have fire in your eyes, and it shows. Bet you're even wearing something red!

What Type of Passionate Woman Are You?

I wish. Or maybe...

Before and After

Before!


After!

How gorgeous is he!

It's gone

The official residency application went today.


I wish I could feel more excited about it.


And it's raining at Wimbledon!

The Drums aren't coming!!!

Spent the day in Blackpool. It started weird and got worse. Anton suggested we visit the Dr Who exhibition but when we got there he announced he thought it was the one based on the new series, rather than the older Doctors. The kids and I have already been to Manchester to the new one ( and need to return sometime for the newer creatures)

So he started disappointed. The exhibition was actually rather good; I loved the Dr costumes, especially the scarf, and there are some regeneration videos which sparked many memories. So did Bessie!

He then announced he really wasn't feeling well. So just like normal then!

After lunch however he insisted on dragging us to the Pleasure beach. I really didn't see the point. Caitlin hates rides. Reuben loves them but is too small for the big ones and Ant wasn't feeling up to going on one. I love them now ( adrenalin kick) but it's difficult with kids etc in tow. He gave the kids a choice of rides...Roo chose a Mario Racing amusement game and C went on a very long winded car 'driving' ride at half a mile an hour. Boy did I need caffeine!

Got back to the car to find a parking ticket. My fault for misreading the time on it but this led to three hours of silence and drumming. There is no such thing as quiet in this house. The incessant irish drumming really hits a nerve, but mention it and he carries on louder!

I'm trying to concentrate on writing reports (due in on Tuesday) but it's impossible. I need an absence of stimulation for the juices to flow. I'd like to sit in Costas all day tomorrow, laptop in hand, but I have been told we are filling in the BIG APPLICATION FORM!!!

I've already spent nearly a whole day correcting his mistakes on the original application. I kinda feel unimportant unless I'm pushing paper for him. I'm facing a very emotional two weeks at work and he can't see why. He will just argue that it's my head talking again. Maybe it is but it's still a valid feeling.

Hmm! I have this feeling that this has become a rambling rant. Not sure that is a good idea! Probably the wrong time of the month to be posting! Might explain my very odd thoughts of late...or a distinct lack of caffeine ( see above).

Feeling rather lost, underwhelmed, unappreciated and unsupported

Highs and Lows

Caitlin has had a hard day today. Her mood has vacillated wildly. She began by lying about having breakfast. She said she had had some, but hadn't. After her trip to Arnside she has been more conscious of her tummy. I wonder what was said to her, though she won't talk about it.

We went searching for Roo's birthday presents and for a suitable 'trophy' for my new Award for Creative Thinking at school. Her tone changed by the minute, up one minute, sobbing the next, the usual really, probably due to her lack of breakfast. We did find a trophy. My heart was set on something wooden, a sculpture or a puzzle . But then we stumbled across the perfet thing; a nepalese singing bowl. I'd never been in the Tiger's Eye shop before so obviously it was fate. The assistant used to work with Jo Williams at Over Kellet and another customer knew Carla. Concidence? I like to think not! My 'prize' needed to be quirky but this is so suitable. The stuffed shirts will see a cup ( OK so not a traditional one) whilst we will know it is something special! It really made me tingle, so I knew it was right.

When C and I walked home, she got very emotional about Grandad. He had forgotten mum's name yesterday and thought I was his granddaughter. Ant says we shouldn't put him on the spot; just tell him, or mention each other by name so he has a clue. She needed a big cuddle and a good cry. She wants to know how long he's got and says that he isn't really her grandad any more. She wants the old one back.

We went to see Sara and Jess in their dance show. Jess was superb, a five year old bossy boots, telling her tutued mates what to do. Sara's cancan was a sight. I shall never look at her in the same light again...and neither will Anton, once he took his eyes off the well developed girl who should not have been wearing a tutu. There comes an age...

C gave Jess a little rabbit but got upset because she didn't know how to get it to her. Usually she is mega confident but wouldn't go backstage. We waited and saw Jess and Sara so C was OK but still wobbly.

She has so much on her mind; grandad, selling the house, moving, leaving school, daddy's health, her tummy, how to kill Bethany!. Who'd be a kid? I try to keep her in the loop. She may only be nine but she needs to feel a sense of control just like I do. Ant is talking about booking flights even without selling the house.

I have an appointment to see C's new psych on Friday. At least they have agreed there is something there but I don't see what they can do to help until she is older and needs meds like me. At least this way there is evidence of our concern so in the next few years we hopefully won't have to fight like I did.

The doctor versus the master. Round one to the master, greater charisma, superb smile and totally off his head....cool!

Not a care in the world...freedom

This week...

Turmoil, isolation, endings, sadness, this week has been a struggle. Today my dad didn't know who I was. Up till today mum and I were the only ones in the family he could name easily. Today he hid it well and made a joke but could only remember that I was his daughter. Which one he wasn't sure. He really has no idea what is happening, he is just confused, frustrated, a shadow of the man he was.
Mum finally admitted that she wanted her old husband back, and that it will be a relief when it ends. I feel so responsible for abandoning him. He has no real concept of us leaving. He seems convinced that everytime we go round it is for the last time. He cries everytime we hug him. Perhaps I have been hit by the fact that he is finally emotional. Dad has always been a rock, the strong silent type, there when I needed him but often cossetted away in the front room having one of his silent weeks...ever wondered where I got the illness from...step forward Mr Forrest!
We had a long conversation today about moving. Anton finally got his registration for psychology through yesterday. Everything has now become closer. This was the last big stumbling block to the move and now we have cleared it. It meant that Dad could focus on the logistics without me going 'well it might not happen'. He thinks we are going with a whole planeful of other people, who are all emigrating on the same day. I did try and explain it was just like moving to the next village, just with a bigger lorry, but he wasn't having it.
Emotions were always going to be difficult to control this week. I am reaching finalities, the last time I wills. Last week was the last swimming gala; yesterday was the last sport's day ( five years of practice and I finally got the scoring spreadsheet right!); Caitlin is heading for her last assembly; the last day of term is less than two weeks away. My class have always been very loving and caring but now some are becoming more distant ( protecting themself against change) whilst others (Jack ) have gone through that phase and are bouncing back like eager puppies, wanting to get all the attention. How many times will I cry in the next few months? Not sure I'll count that one!
So many finals. Last weekend really affected me. Everyday I'm thinking 'is this the last time that I will do this?', 'is this the last time I will be in the same room as people I care deeply about?', sentiments not exactly helped by Paul's whimpering. As I said at the time if my dad can't keep me here, he definitely can't!
My god this feels hard. I am more stable psychologically than I have possibly ever been and yet so emotional. My psychiatrist would say it proves I am actually human. I know she said it when we had all that crap at school and I was still deemed 'the voice of calm and reason' but I'm certain the same applies now. That I was a little stressed meant I was normal. Being emotional now, I suppose, suggests I'm not a zombie anymore. It was so lovely to hear comments last weekend from everyone about my being missed ( except by the good Doctor but what do you expect?) I guess I never expected them. I have struggled for acceptance for so long and yet now feel, when I have accepted me for who I am, finally I am where I want to be. CONFUSING SENTENCE ALERT. THAT WAS A FANTASTIC EXAMPLE OF FLUFF! Hey ho!

So Edith Piaf or Frank Sinatra...?

This stream of consciousness has such a long way to go!

Just heard this...

Driving home from a girly 'cooking demonstration', I heard this on the radio (Radio Two?!). It took a few minutes for me to realise that I already knew it from 'Shrek'. This version was beautiful, a lilting falsetto; not the original or most famous cover, but breath taking. I just felt a need to post when I got back.



Well I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and he pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
Well, it goes like this, the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall and the major lift
The baffled king composing hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

Well your faith was strong, but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you
And she tied you to her kitchen chair
And she broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips you drew the hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

Well baby I've been here before
I've seen this room and I've walked this floor, you know,
I used to live alone before I knew you
And I've seen your flag on the marble arch
And love is not a victory march
It's a cold, it's a broken hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

Well there was a time when you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show that to me, do you?
I remember when I moved in you
And the Holy Dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

Maybe there is a God above
But all I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you
And it's not a cry that you hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah,
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah.

Isn't technology fabulous?

Now that I have rediscovered the fine art of blogging I have a dilemma. I should be writing reports, but I can't be bothered. It is much more purposeful to explore the lives of people around the world, or to take meaningless 'blogthings' tests. I have even introduced the kids to them. They partiularly like finding out which Simpsons' character they are. Not sure Reuben really is Barney but we were right to bet that Caitlin would be Lisa.

Anyhoo. I thought technology was supposed to make work faster. The flaw in that argument is that it has just taken me three days to work out why the sidebar of this blog has suddenly moved to the bottom. Days when I could/should have been doing something else. My search for answers has increased my confidence in all things Blog, so it's not all bad!

Oh God another addiction

How You Live Your Life

You have a good sense of self control and hate to show weakness. You're laid back and chill, but sometimes you care too much about what others think. You prefer a variety of friends and tend to change friends quickly. You tend to dream big, but you worry that your dreams aren't attainable.

How Do You Live Your Life?

If you look back in this blog, you'll find I took this test a while ago. Funnily enough, the result has changed!

Yorkshire Sculpture Park

Antony Gormley

Henry Moore

Moore Henry Moore

Natural beauty

In my humble opinion, the most breathtaking images/installations/sculptures at the YSP involved nature, beit the texture of a tree, the sunset or the work of Andy Goldsworthy. His curtain of chestnut leaf stalks and thorns was stunning.

Places to view his work
www.artisancam.com, where there are interviews and videos of his work in progress.

http://www.writedesignonline.com/history-culture/AndyGoldsworthy/overview.htm, superb examples of his landart.

And another blogthing...

You Are Best Described By...

From the Lake, No. 1 by Georgia O'Keeffe

What Famous Work of Art Are You?

So not quite a year later!

I was sitting watching Doctor Who, on children's orders, when the Doctor tells his assistants to stop 'blogging'! How coincidental is that?

I have just read back my past posts and find myself wondering why it was at those times that I sought to write down, and publish, those thoughts, feelings and experiences. Why not other times, other times I can remember so vividly yet have not adequately reflected upon and why did it suddenly become unimportant?

Motivation, for many things in my life, is like a tide, ebbing and flowing. Sometimes energy surges and everything is possible, and then at other times there are not enough hours to do anything, so why bother? Hmm!


As for tonight, too many thoughts, too much 'sun', not enough dinner and two Masters.