Life on Mars

God do I still feel shit! I spent the morning on the sofa with 'Life on Mars' though I only saw about one out of three episodes as I fell asleep.
Ant was in a foul mood; we had a silent coffee this morning and he is showing no interest in the move, which is driving me up the wall!
Went to see Shrek with the kids after school; not as good as the earlier ones but a nice way to spend a hour or so.
So now I have to sort out their scrapbooks to take to school so their friends can sign them. A late night beckons!

End of term illness strikes

I have felt shit for two days now, I reckon it's the end of term illness that has been delayed by a week! Everything aches and I feel like death ( not literally of course).
As far as Ant is concerned it's just my head that's gone. As always! I am not allowed to be ill.
C performed well at the talent show, although the sound was a little dodgy!

Poetry 2

Deep within that hollow stare,
of our presence they're unaware.
A special life that's fading away,
in spite of things we try to convey.

Memories locked up in their mind,
and there it's kept all confined.
The good times spent long ago,
with all their love they did bestow.

For these moments will live forever,
and our pride in them will endeavor.
Seeing them lying there we know why,
Alzheimer's is called the long good-bye.

Family

Spent the day sewing in C's class, making hand and finger puppets and generally making a nuisance of myself. A.M. they had the lovely Mrs Klijn who was fab and enthusiastic; PM we had the usual teacher who certainly doesn't come across as enthusiastic. Hey ho! One TA and I shared our opinions on C's nemesis...and I thought it was just me who thought she was a cow!

Mum has had a tough time lately. Dad has deteriorated again. He was horrible to her and she nearly walked out. A tearful conversation to me and a call from Anton got her through the night and she managed to get Dad to go to Benson Green for the day. She desperately needed a break from him.

Nearly the whole family went out for dinner tonight, just to Wetherspoons, who coped marvellously with 16 of us. Mum figured that it might be the last time that we could all get together, only Ange was missing, before we wander off or before Dad finally pops his clogs. It was a really nice occasion. The nephews are all so grown up, C loved being with the big girls (21 and 19) and Roo was just Roo! It really cheered Dad up to see us all together. He was quite tearful again and needed many reminders about who we all were. But it was worth it to see Mum happy! She will probably bear the brunt tomorrow but I can take C over to lessen the burden.







We finally heard from the NZIS. My medical has been cleared ( Thank god!) and the rough timescale is now 4 weeks, so mid August when we shall hopefully have a sold house and a blue sticker in our passports. Bring it on!

Poetry One

A blade of grass
by Brian Patten

You ask for a poem.
I offer you a blade of grass.
You say it is not good enough.
You ask for a poem.

I say this blade of grass will do.
It has dressed itself in frost,
It is more immediate
Than any image of my making.

You say it is not a poem,
It is a blade of grass and grass
Is not quite good enough.
I offer you a blade of grass.

You are indignant.
You say it is too easy to offer grass.
It is absurd.
Anyone can offer a blade of grass.

You ask for a poem.
And so I write you a tragedy about
How a blade of grass
Becomes more and more difficult to offer,

And about how as you grow older
A blade of grass
Becomes more difficult to accept.

How good is an achievement?

Only as good as you feel it is?

What do you do when your children both come home with glowing reports? Praise them of course!

But what do you do when your two children bring home said glowing reports and one of them has level 4 in Maths, Reading and Writing whilst the other has level 3b in writing, 4A in reading and 4b in Maths? Priase them on being well ahead of the average for the SATS but remind them that these levels only apply to single tests on a specific day, not how intelligent, smart, thoughtful, caring they are the rest of the time!

My dilemma is this Caitlin scored really well, has a perfect report but she got the 3b in her writing and Reuben got a 4. At year three they don't demarcate the level 4s into abc because frankly they don't expect year three to get level 4.

So Caitlin bursts into tears and is wandering around as though she has just failed everything, whilst Roo is just playing on his ds as though nothing has happened. Yes he's proud of himself but that's enough for him. He doesn't need a big deal made of it.

CAitlin has also got through to the final of the talent contest, playing 'Wonderful tonight' as a duet with Beth on the clarinet. Of course now her confidence has gone through the floor so she will expect to fail at that too!

Hmm I remember my dad saying something similar when I got my degree result ( not exactly a fail but felt it at the time) and then having to go and give a Rotary speech. But hey, I gave the speech and a damn fine one it was too! Red rag and bull spring to mind.

Rollercoaster Day

Yet more ups and downs. Have to confess I have been less than consistent with my meds this week. It's an end of term thing. Back on the straight and narrow today...in other words I have got my new prescription, have felt shit, spaced, lonely, annoyed and incredibly tired, but it is now 12.50am the ironing is done and I am sorely tempted to go and clear out my wardrobe.

This really is the usual end of term reaction. The problem this year is that I haven't actually had any time to go through the low phase because I have had stuff to do and have had no time on my own. That's one of the weird things. I feel really lonely at the moment inspite of never being on my own or able to make my own decisions about what to do. Ant said i looked like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders this morning but I so couldn't talk to him. How do you put it into words? Even he is starting to sound concerned about the application, though.

Kids had their sports day today. C's house , Blencathra, won. I don't quite understand why Roo isn't in the same house. Neil and I agreed that our sports day was superb by comparison. I appreciate we have fewer children but the whole thing works like clockwork, the children organise themselves, and as for the results, well the spreadsheets are fantastic! Smug, smug, smug! Anton told me off for saying 'we do a good sports day'. I have started saying 'they'.

Did all the ironing today, just so I can start sorting out what we're taking. Sure fire sign I am getting back to normal.

Next crisis will be my weight again. One problem, with being at home when Ant is, is that we go out for breakfast every day. Bad move but it will stop when the kids are on hols. They are such a good incentive.

At 1.00 I think I need to call it a day. Spare room again I think (or basement..there's a better reading light down there)
Had better add that y head is suddenly strting to race. My forehead is feeling tight and movement is rather more jerky. My jaw has clamped too, sign of things to come? Better go to bed , NOW

Joining bandwagons

I know, I know, these are all over the internet right now but it had to be done. I wanted to be fatter and dumpier but C wouldn't let me!

Sort of finished at school again today. That's to say went in, did my paperwork ( about 10 months earlier than I usually do), picked up some stuff, dropped off a big box of books for the library ( from my kids) and tried not to make too much mess (some hope). It felt very odd and rather final. I have no desire to go in again. Jane is already backing the boards and making the place her own, though Sara may have something to say about that!
It is interesting how different people react to my junk. Sharon instantly reached for her purse when I gave her some picture books for Adam, whilst others just went 'Thanks' and buggered off. Not that I am bothered by selling stuff, I just think it's interesting.

Ant is not well again but we still managed an hour's run around with the kids in the park. I have promised them relatively undivided attention and this way we get fresh air and fun too. Tomorrow is Sport's Day and Roo's swimming so they'll get their exercise that way.

Dad was better this evening. He still gets confused and thinks we are living in NZ but he always manages to remember Anton , even when Ant is at home. Mum looked a bit stressed but at least she has had some 'her-time' this week.

Ups and Downs

Woke up snapping apparantly! I felt Ant was snapping too but as ever it was my fault. We went for a walk on the Scar, starting in brilliant sunshine and ending up drenched in ice cold rain. Managed to have a cuddle at the bandstand but by then I needed it. Ant had a go at me for snapping and I felt he was saying that I was responsible for all my actions and that he didn't need to help the situation with my moods. He does seem to be rather selfish at times. He hadn't mentioned to my mum the possibility of her picking the kids up if we went paragliding, which I felt was a matter of respect. Given what is going on in her life I feel we can't take her for granted.

Managed to get myself sorted ( had a good cry, pointed out how helpless I feel, how I am convinced that NZ will reject me coz of my condition).

Had a lovely lunch at the Wheatsheaf, felt slightly underdressed (shorts and muddy legs) but enjoyed the hotpot.

Other achievements:
Posted on freecycle, got rid of one bed, plastic drawers, shelf, a few albums and a guitar (and not for free either); nearly got rid of the boys too but the chap was having a heart op and had no one else to look after them whilst he is in hospital-ho hum!
Played in the park for a hour with the kids and some other youngsters who got stuck in when we played pig in the middle.
Sorted a box of books for school.

Didn't manage to even start the ironing. Ah well

Happy birthday Boo

Reuben's eighth birthday came and went. Caitlin brought him breakfast in bed, or should that read breakfast on bed, crumbs and spills everwhere! He opened pressies in ten seconds flat, almost totally technological- DS and games, tamagotchi, cubes. The only books he got were ones he's already got so a return to Amazon beckons.

First car boot sale was an experience. The number of people haggling over 20p was astounding. Ant reckons we made about £100, not bad for aday when there were 4 carboots in Kendal alone. I still have a car full of rubbish, I mean wonderful opportunities for rehoming. I took Roo home after an hour coz he was so hyper.

Slept through the Grand Prix, sad Lewis Hamilton didn't win at Silverstone. Managed to miss the tennis too. Went to a BBQ at Claire's and relied on Ant's phone for updates. Turns out it was the match of the tournament/year/century. Hey ho better watch the highlights.

Kurt rang from the States. He is such a gem of a godfather, always remembers the kids' birthdays.

Also got news from the States that Josh and David's 'babies' have arrived, prem twins of a surrogate mum. Only in my life could this be normal. I don't mean anything by that, just try explaining some of my friends to my mother ( actually she is far more understanding than that but you get the idea)

Another thing!

I forgot- we got our passports back with a note saying that everything on our residency application looked fine, apart from my medical which has been referred to a consultant. When we went for the medical, the doctor did a very cursory interview with me about my bipolar and, with my psych's report, concluded that I wouldn't be a drain on the NZ health service so I passed. Looks like they just want to be sure and will probably contact Dr S again.

I am nervous that my condition could be a sticking point or indeed a reason for being rejected. I have thought it might be from the very beginning but the Teachers' council seems to think it will be OK and are prepared to register me.

That's not enough to stop the sleepless night's however. We should hear in the next week.

First day of the adventure?

So we finally have an offer on the house. I'd like to say I am relieved but no one seems terribly excited. Too many pitfalls ahead!

We have spent the day trying to declutter the house. I say trying, the kids have filled a box each of absolute necessities and a much smaller box of 'getting rid ofs'! We are doing our first car boot sale tomorrow ( if Ant manages to get up at 7 that is) so our front room is full of bizarre items, from folding chairs to Star wars videos, a saxophone to a lifetime of LPs. The ebay box is getting fuller too. Next question, what do I do with my wedding dress? Can't ebay, so may have to be charity shop. No real point keeping it!.

Finally got round to the 'leaving school' celebration. Got my nose pierced again. I had to take my old stud out when I joined Elleray and kept forgetting to put it back in when I wasn't teaching so it healed up. Now it's back in. I hadn't realised how much I've missed it. I guess the rebel in me quite likes it. Rather than just having my little tattoo, hidden away most of the time, now I have a slightly more public decoration. The girls at school are really quite surprised by the whole thing. They know me as something of a maverick but are not sure about this! We're going to a barbecue tomorrow so it'll get its first public outing then, since I only had a stick on at the last party!

It's Roo's birthday tomorrow too, so we are going to be very busy. Normally whoevers birthday it is gets to decide how we spend the whole day , but Roo is getting no say in the matter. He's having his party next weekend so maybe we'll call next Sunday his day.

D DAY

My last teaching day was fun...that's to say we partied all day. Sara and I ran a pirate party with lots of raucous games and then Amelia had organised a class party. The children arranged everything, bringing in sweets, cakes, chocolate, drink and more cake. They each gave a little speech. Amelia's was fabulous, thanking everyone for coming and helping her to organise the whole thing. Quite the little hostess!

I haven't been emotional which I am quite surprised about. Certain moments have touched my heart; Georgie crying when her House rewarded her efforts as their House Captain with a beautiful card; Megan's superb Acrostic Poem; the bread roll from Maddy and Lissy. I had to expain the process of rocks becoming soil to the whole of the school using a bread roll with a face drawn on it...you had to be there!

Prize Day was much better than I expected. I may not like the fact that the children didn't get to sit with their parents but the format was much better than usual. The Chair of Governors wasn't there, which always helps. His place was taken by Christine Snaith, who truly loves the school. The guest speaker, Stuart Boreham, was pretty good and brought a teddy with him, which always helps. The teddy has rowed across the Atlantic with him!

Ben did OK too, but then he does when he has a list to follow. He gave his speech and gave the prizes at the same time which worked very well. I got five mentions during the whole event, as Year three teacher, as ICT coordinator, as the awardee of my new prize ( for creative thinking ), during Isaac's reply to the keynote speech ( because of his trip to NZ) and then at the end, I was given my 'stannite badge'. I was rather taken aback. Stannites are the old boys and girls, not usually teachers. I was dead touched. I bet it has something to do with Christine!

I got lots of hugs from children, Candice cried again, and many parents came to say thank you. I had a lovely card from Jack's mum. I do need to send some notes to my class. They have made this last year so much better than it could have been. They really are a gorgeous group of children.

Tee hee, finishing day approaches!

I am so proud of myself!

The nauseating head rather rudely asked for my reports this morning. I told him he could have them at the end of the day. This apparantly wasn't good enough. He had wanted them on Friday ( which was news to me!) and demanded them before the end of the day! I told him he could have them when they were finished! Twice. He sloped off! YES! I think the phrase is F**K OFF!

He did get them at the end of the day, minus the Art reports which Sara and I hadn't got our heads together about! I dare say he won't be happy but sod him!

Caitlin's flowers have gone down a storm. B said she felt energised by them. Caitlin's hyperness obviously rubbed off. Only trouble is she needs to make loads more!

Your Hidden Talent

You have the natural talent of rocking the boat, thwarting the system. And while this may not seem big, it can be. It's people like you who serve as the catalysts to major cultural changes. You're just a bit behind the scenes, so no one really notices.

What's Your Hidden Talent?

Frustration

Today has been very frustrating. My head is still in the midst of a stupor. I have felt incredibly tense and in need of oxygen. I can't stop yawning and I am sure that it is because my body needs reenergising. If I was feeling happier, I'd go for a run but I am too frightened of collapsing.

Yesterday I was noise intolerant yet today I needed to thrash so electric guitar and 'stairway to heaven'. I have taught myself the melody to Hallelujah but I can't get to grips with the chords. I'll get Stuart to tab them. It will be good to have an incentive to practice broken chords. I haven't managed to master them yet.

Spent the afternoon praying for tennis and editing children's videos. ICT club have not exactly excelled themselves this year but then they are a lot younger than normal ( no year sixes this year). still the 'spy pigs' have worked well nd now that they have a soundtrack ( James Bond and Kool and the Gang) it feels much more professional.

Family have been frustrating too. Ant has gone on and on and on and on about the house today. I know I am not in the right mood to deal with decisions but I had to keep reminding him. The Danish lady has come back with another message...when the results of the survey on her house are back she will offer. Fingers crossed.

Ant wanted to book a holiday for when the kids break up but he'd forgotten we have sent the passports to the Immigration office. He's trying to make plans to keep himself focussed, like going paragliding or doing a spot of decorating but frankly he's not well enough ( new antibiotics) and hasn't the motivation.

C is still suffering. Everyday she comes out of school complaining about someone or other, usually the teacher, and gets miffy when we suggest that she needs to deal with it! She is very clingy, something I could do without, and needs lots of reassurance. She's been really good at thinking her way through things, finding something to take her mind off her troubles, but she's refusing to consider anything at the moment. Making the flowers helped but she won't try on her own and I am still trying to finish up my work.

I need a good scream, a good rage, a release of tension.

Dad went to his 'coffee morning' today. Seems he enjoyed himself, lots of ladies to pay him attention. Mum brought him over on the way home but he didn't know where he was or who we were. It's quite sweet really, like dealing with a child discovering things for the first time.

I edited the video of the year one talent show today. I was going to delete the end, where Neil does the thanks but decided to watch it first. Glad I did as Veronica was on it, enjoying every moment. I still can't believe she's gone. She was such an integral part of Elleray and gave her all for us ( quite literally) It was lovely that Mark could come on Friday but you could see how much he felt that she should be there. I was talking to Heidi today aout her father in law who has cancer too and has gone downhill in exactly the way Vron did. 15 days is no time at all to say goodbye.

I have retired to our room to update this, to get away from Harry Potter on the wii and to avoid C's tantrum. I feel guilty but I know that they can all have my undivided attention in a few short days. I just need to keep myself calm and safe for now.

Thought so

You Are 84% Tortured Genius

You totally fit the profile of a tortured genius. You're uniquely brilliant - and completely misunderstood. Not like you really want anyone to understand you anyway. You're pretty happy being an island.

Are You a Tortured Genius?

Today's head is off the line. Not surprising really but unfortunate nevertheless.

Yesterday I had to deal with Caitlin's head too. Having told the new psych that we were moving and wouldn't be seeing him again, and that C was dealing well with her head, she had her first all nighter. Trouble was she was at Nanny's, I'd left for work before she got up and she needed her mum. She phoned us at 1am and again at 3am in tears because she couldn't sleep. It's a normal part of being bipolar and you learn to live with it, but it's still difficult when it's your kids going through it.

Subsequently, we went to get them both early yesterday morning and I spent the day with her, shopping for Roo's birthday and then curled up on the sofa watching Labyrinth, and finally making flower brooches for leaving pressies whilst watching Doctor Who. She needed support and comfort and a focus but it was a struggle for me. She managed to get some sleep last night, though I stayed up late working on the photos for prize day and avoiding going to bed.

We went over to Maria and Enda's for lunch. We've finally got them to send their kids to Elleray, to get Helena away from the bullies at her school. Enda will be a fab Elleray dad. He is so honest and will tell it like it is! This time he said he loved the school, it felt like being part of a family, everyone was happy, interested, accommodating. Everyone, except the head! Enda said he felt very uncomfortable with all the pie in the sky aspirations and felt that our Head didn't know anything about the school. Good to get a parent's eye view. He's right. Ben is going about changing things without actually knowing what works, or how Elleray works. That is really disappointing!

I had to come away from lunch because the atmosphere was so tense. I think Enda was gloating coz he's got his way about the kids going to private school and Maria was feeling murderous!

My class are web stars. I got an idea from French Toast Girl about being phantom chalkers and tried it out with my class. I've sent her the photos and she's posted them on her website. So we are famous.

WWW.FRENCHTOASTGIRL.COM

Absent friends

The end of term is always busy and this year is no different, but for some good reasons.

Last night I was treated to my leaving do. It was supposed to be a BIG secret. I knew it was happening but I didn't know what the event was going to be. I was chauffeur driven to Wendy's house to change in to the obligatory posh frock, then driven by a black tied gentleman ( thanks Bob) to a hotel in Windermere for a drink, then onto the jetty where a Lake cruiser was bedecked w ith pictures of kiwis! The team enjoyed a three hour cruise around the Lake, complete with dinner, drinks, chocolate cake, balloons, oh and Alex's chest. It was commented that I usually have the low cut tops on, but only at work! I couldn't compete with her.






The whole evening was lovely! The right people were there ( and the senior senior management but they were very quiet). Even my darling Stuart came over for drinks, though I think he was at his least comfortable. Us IT geeks have to stick together though , and the gift from him and Richard was beautiful.

I only gave a little speech, focussing on friendship, teamwork, family and joy, but I think I got my point across, and didn't cry.


I will post more when I have a minute. I have thank you cards and presents to sort out!

Found it!

Charles Hazlewood Radio Two 22.00 20th June

TRACK: Hallelujah
COMPOSER: Leonard Cohen
ARTIST: Iestyn Davies / Charles Hazlewood

Pay it forward

This email reply says what this post needs to.

Hey honey,

Something is conspiring against me today. I have tried three times to write this email. The first version was brilliant, witty, incisive and so blisteringly well written it was worthy of a Booker Prize. It was lost somewhere in the ether, when my session on AOL expired. This will give you some idea of how long it took to write.

I resolved to use Word, only for a fatal error to occur.


Third time lucky.


As you probably have gathered, I don’t tend to do things by halves, so when you reminded me of my blogging past, it was only a matter of time before I started again. And then of course it would become an obsession, not to mention a perfect means of procrastination. I have lost hours recently, not posting, but following links from my favourite blogs, to their favourites and so on. And don’t get me started on Blogthings!

I had forgotten just why I started the site in the first place. It has been really cathartic this last fortnight and for that I must thank you. The first few posts this time were obviously more of a conversation, or at very least an attempted explanation of some of the stuff my addled brain could not voice when I saw you ( and a good excuse to look at some of my photos again). But having the chance to write, reflect and sometimes resolve many of my issues, and vent my frustrations and angst, in a personal, if not particularly private, way, has been a revelation.

In some ways it worried me to know that someone was reading this stuff but frankly, I don’t think it’s affecting what I write. Maybe it’s making me more honest about what I post ( about most things) because I don’t want to lie to myself or anyone else.

Hearing that song must be a coincidence. I’m sure it wasn’t the Jeff Buckley version; I have that on the So Real album. This was on a programme about castratos and falsettos on radio 2 and was sung purely in falsetto. It was so haunting I nearly had to stop the car. I’ll have to do a search for it on the net. I love Grace too. I remember you mentioning it. It is stunning and I love the guitar rhythm in it. I’m going to get my guitar teacher to tab out some of the chords for me.

I promise you did and said nothing that I need to remind you of last weekend, although I might just remind you of the text you sent me, since I do feel the same way, if not more so!

Last night’s anxiety hasn’t yet lifted. I have struggled through school today, but everyone else feels the same. I hugged one colleague because she looked so upset (and coz I felt so bad) and she then paid it forward. I think that hug went right around the school by lunchtime. Luckily my class figured out quite quickly that I was not to be messed with today, though the senior management were not so sympathetic.

I am sure there is more I need to say but as I don’t have your email in front of me I shall call it a day before I lose this version. I may post this on th eblog as it seems to say what I need to post today too.


Thank you for reminding me that I do matter, occasionally!

Love you loads

Jo

P.S. The trick with Blogthings is to refresh the page if you get a result you don’t like. Some of them, like the artwork, don’t change, but others do. The superheroine just struck a chord, especially given Roo’s new haircut. We are going for an even shorter style next!

Feeling shite!

I was in Asda's this evening with C on the first karate run, when I suddenly felt my head go.I haven't had such a weird turn in a long time. I've been taking my meds, haven't drunk anything for months ( apart from a week and a half ago) and have been feeling pretty stable. I am proud of my self for being aware that something was happening but I am so sorry that other people had to deal with me. I've snapped at Caitlin for slurping her coke too loudly, and had to pretend to my dad that everything was OK.

I feel so weak, shaky, incapable of anything. Maybe I am physiologically ill but knowing me I doubt it. My heart is pounding; it almost feels like a panic attack in the making. I'm hoping that writing this will give me something to focus on, to prevent a full scale meltdown. Anton will, of course, say that this always happens when he's away. Certainly on Mondays I tend to be more unsettled if he's working away, but then I have usually spent a day pottering aimlessly. This time, it's different. I have the sort of tunnel vision I have experienced in the past, and all my relaxation techniques are failing to deal with the palpitations.

The kids have been so good. I told Roo I was wobbling and might not appreciate his fidgetting and he just got the magnetix out and built quietly. Caitlin has offered me a coffee and then taken her brother off to bed. God I love them . I feel so guilty for being such a mess. I do sometimes feel they would do better without me, but then who would C turn to when her head goes off the lines?

This was supposed to help me focus. I just feel more of a failure now. I'll find a picture and head off to bed. Maybe an early (ish) night will allow me to recover.