Beauty

Caitlin's

photos

from

The Eden Project

Happy Holidays

What a fabulous week! We've just come back from a glorious week in Cornwall, staying in a house two minutes from the beach and three minutes from 'Planet Ice', an addictive ice cream and coffee shop.

It was an interesting group of people. I wasn't sure it was going to work but we all had a good time. There were Paul and Roselle and their lovely kids, Frankie and Ciaran, Gordon and Heather and theirs, Laura(7) and Oliver (5) and the four of us. Finally Al came over to be our token singleton.

Frankie and Ciaran were only little so spent their time with their mum mostly, but the other kids got on really well, even Caitlin and Laura who were very similar personalities.

The weather was superb, two days of blustery wind and then SUNSHINE, SUNSHINE, SUNSHINE. The kids spent so long in the sea we had to get them wetsuits. In fact Roo only burnt on his hands and feet so he looks as though he has pink gloves and socks on. Needless to say I felt very guilty about the sunburn both on him and on Caitlin. Why don't fathers have such guilt trips?

We had a lovely day at the Eden project too. It was just the most amazing place, almost spiritual in its atmosphere




It's strange to be back with uni friends now we are growed ups. Especially seeing how people are with their children. We seem to come across as quite laid back parents. We praise our kids and hug them. They may be sensitive kids but they care about each other and share so well. Caitlin was 'a natural' at everything mostly cricket and bodyboarding. But are we doing it right? We did seem to be the least stressed!

I was amazed by the amount of alcohol and chocolate we got through. I did the recycling at the end of the week and there were so many cans. I made a conscious decision that I would allow myself to drink some. I only got 'drunk' on one night ( our night out with Paul and Roselle). It was very funny, I talked drivel but I didn't care. Seeing four o'clock in the morning was entertaining...going for a run at 8 was too. I had to mask the palpitations somehow!!!

Al had a hard time. She'd been involved in a car accident on her way down ( hitting a 90 year old who stepped out in front of her). She made it down on Monday night but was obviously very shaken and taking it very hard. It was the first time I'd been aware of how intense she can be especially when she's drunk. Shecould havedone with a longer chat with Ant but the others, mostly Paul seemed to take over. Who's the professional here?

Overall a brilliant week. I felt very relaxed and incontrol of me. I was aware I didn't make as much of an effort with the cooking, but I can do a mean washing up!

And it only took us 5 1/2 hours to get home! Excellent!

Ouch!!!

What a day!

First I had to go to the dentists with the kids. I was OK, just needed a clean. Roo has lost one tooth but the others are taking their time to come out. They are obviously as laid back as he is. Caitlin is another issue. She has very crooked and cramped teeth and had to have a filling. She cried a lot about that as she had to have an injection which left her lips numb for three hours. She may need a brace when she is older too unless her teeth correct themselves. She's already worrying about it, but at least Anton can reassur her. He had a brace, whereas my teeth just went into place as I got older.

Then I had to go to the doctors to have my coil replaced. Oh my god it was painful! The doctor was cool and very efficient and the nurse was amazing, really supportive, and kept me distracted. I now have rather severe stomach cramps which I am not used to.

So then school, well after Asda's anyway. We were asked to tidy the communal areas.I said I already had a communal area and had put rather a lot of effort into it! I then took it upon myself to ask about next year. Well I have to know. I managed to force Neil to listen to us but he's so non commital! Hopefully both Jayne and I can finda satisfactory solution for next year.

Next issue, how often is normal for sex? How about never? I have so many inhibitions, not least of which is my weight, and so does Anton.Now I don't drink it's even worse. He queried it today, as I had put myself through so much agony for contraception. What can I say? where's the porn channel????

Hmm is this true?

This was a link from Melly's blog which I thought I'd try. Not sure I agree with the answer though. Especially today.

You Are Apple Red

You're never one to take life too seriously, and because of it, you're a ton of fun. And although you have a great sense of humor, you are never superficial. Deep and caring, you do like to get to the core of people - to understand them well. However, any probing you do is light hearted and fun, sometimes causing people to misjudge you.

What Color Red Are You?

We have a new head. Lindsey Ferrie, uberhead, major over achiever, probably the best choice and certainly somebodywho can deal with Mrs Music. Strangely as a result of the appointment, I've had a bit of a crisis of conscience. I have no confidence again. I guess I used to be the over achiever but now I've gone...' I'm a poor musician, I'm an average teacher, I have little ambition ( or is that true?) and I feel a failure at most things. My head is off the lines again; I'm fat, spotty messy and out of control. Shit!

Lessons went well today; really pleased with the flipchart I created and using strings to reproduce a practical food web.

Trouble is that isn't enough to make me feel better.

You Are Animal

A complete lunatic, you're operating on 100% animal instincts. You thrive on uncontrolled energy, and you're downright scary. But you sure can beat a good drum. "Kill! Kill!"

The Muppet Personality Test

That's better!

You Are Scary

You even scare scary people sometimes!

How Scary Are You?

Even better!

How You Life Your Life

You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside. You're laid back and chill, but sometimes you care too much about what others think. You prefer a variety of friends and tend to change friends quickly. Some of your past dreams have disappointed you, but you don't let it get you down.

How Do You Live Your Life?

What can I say?

Your Ideal Pet is a Cat

You're both aloof, introverted, and moody. And your friends secretly wish that you were declawed!

What's Your Ideal Pet?

I think I'm addicted!

I think I'd betterstop and bookmark the site instead

What Your Face Says

At first glance, people see you as warm and well-balanced. Overall, your true self is passionate and physical. With friends, you seem dramatic, lively, and quick to react. In love, you seem like a huge flirt. In stressful situations, you seem selfish and moody.

What Do People Think Of Your Face?

Couldn't resist! Addictive personality ( especially on a Friday when Ant is doing other things!)

Family!

So we have a new headteacher but we don't know who? Our Deputy really ought to let us know coz I'm sure he knows but we obviously don't count for anything.

The children are really missing their dad, he's in London all week.They are really clingy, C wants to sleep in my bed and R feels ill. I wouldn't mind but they don't tend to pay much attention to him ( orhe them)when he's here.

Been to the gym again. Feeling virtuous although I'm still eating very badly. I just can't be bothered to cook, especially when Anton is away. Still feeling calm and centred, have updated the IT policy ready for typing up.

What will tomorrow bring?

Calm descends???

Iam finally taking no Depakote, only citalopram and lamotrigine. I've noticed that my appetite has changed. I'm still eating badly...too much chocolate, but at least not as much of it. I'm having real trouble eating healthily. Not surewhat that is about. I figure it's probably stress. The governorsstill haven't informed us who the new head is going to be, but since our least favourite candidate was called back, the witches are not hopeful. We really do cackle like the three witches when we get started. ~Hubble, bubble, toil and especially trouble-



My hair is looking interesting. Lots of layers of different colours. It looks great when it's straight but I'm not so convinced it'll look as good curly. Oh for straight hair!
I've found I'm thinking fairly straight too of late. Apart from the obvious upset of last week with that horrid little man, I've been very centred. I'm proud of my assembly on emails, with all its hyperlinks. The children were really engaged, learned something and laughed a lot. Can't be bad!

I've also solved the problem of having no email accounts for our classes. Only took two days. I have been rather useful in school from an ICT sense. I've led the staff meeting on updating the IT policy, shown off our new software, as well as troubleshooting one of the candidate's presentations, although not well enough that her hyperlinks worked. ~She should have been better prepared. I had warned the Governors that there might be aproblem. Maybe they will listen to me sometimes now.

That said one of the governors did ask my opinion. He is the most personable of the bunch but it was weird since the Head of theSenior School was standing with him. I think I made my points soundly enough. I could justify everything I said and the nice Gov. agreed with me on one of the candidates having no prescence...or eye contact.

We are waiting with bated breath to find out the result. Boy are we hoping!

It makes a change for me to post on a day when I'm feeling alright. I think I'm compensating for the very disturbed night I had (roo's earache) by trying to achieve something. I have ironed, cleaned out the 'boys', updated the blog, put two loads of washing on and done quite a reasonable amount of sewing whilst the children were at karate.

out of my tree

I am so very very depressed. I've been criticised for trying to be helpful at school, by people who wouldn't know if I existed or not.
I can't hold back the tears. I can't eat. My head is so muddled. What should I do?

I've created an assembly and revised the ICT policy but feel terribly depressed. I can't do this. I want my head to end now

I am so down. I couldn't go to the gym, or for a run. I mean what's the point? I guess my pills just aren't working yet/ at all?

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

Mania and exhaustion

So the new dosage hasn't kicked in! Wednesday I was so hyper. I worked from morning till night, clearing out the shed, going to the tip with the pee ridden carpet ( thanks cats), buying paint, washing, ironing, trying to think of what I was going to teach tomorrow. I was annoyed that i had to sit and watch the kids paddling in the river.I still felt I had so much to do. I managed to cook tea, gorgous curry but then wanted to carry on. Listened to the kids read ( Dr Who books are a tad tedious) and finally flaked in time for the "Apprentice". And I predicted the outcome...who says Anton was the better recruitment bod. I reckon I could hire really well!

Trouble with the mania is the depression that comes after it. I was so emotional the next day. Our maintenance man upset me, though he is a jerk. All over whether the computer room benches actually needed extra legs. He was warned not to mess with me! Then Bea was aggressive ( she'd put non rechargables in the recharger and they nearly exploded) which made me feel worse and no one could understand why I was so upset. Those who do know about my condition just knew to leave me alone.

Today I just feel angry. The children eventually worked well but couldn't sort out their stuff for themselves. I'm sure they all get pandered to at home, probably dressed by their parents. AND THEY ARE NINE!!!!! Four of them are leaving at the end of the year and frankly they've already left. I felt so angry and so strict, not to mention shouty. And that's not me.

Kids are going to stay with Granny tomorrow for a couple of days so we have an afternoon together. Shame School's Open Day is going to monopolise the morning. It'll be chaos...a circus based theme, my circus skills group are sooooo not organised...not enough warning, who knows who will turn up, prospective heads or new parents or old parents. Who do we concentrate on? Who do we talk to most ?

WHO KNOWS? At least I've found all the candidates now. Google is a wonderful invention. 10 minutes and I'd found all but the one who works in Chile!!!! I think the Governors were impressed. Hope so!

Oh so tired

Today seemed very difficult like I was running to catch up and always behind. I knew I had to get to Asda and wanted to do something with the kids, being a Bank Holiday and all, but I had to include a plasterer and a husband into the equation. I also wanted to take mum for a drive in my hire car ( she loved it, even though dad was in the car too)

M and D had had a bit of a falling out about his drugs, whether he took them or not. She apparantly ranted at him but frankly I couldn't put up with him. We have to remember that she needs to get out of the house occasionally. She is much younger than him (86 and 68) and he is becoming very feeble. She has to have a life too. She'sgoing to Weight Watchers with Jacce again so that should help!

The children and I went to the Wildlife Oasis. Roo wanted to go to Blackpool but there just wasn't time. We had a lovely time. I love the ants, the chameleons, the rats ( especially the rats!! and their babies), the fossa and their offspring... It's only a tiny zoo but so quaint!

I went to play tennis tonight and again had a good craic. Denise seems to take everything very seriously ( shy?) but Heather. Chris and Howard were good fun. It took me a good three games to get my act together. Before that I was pants!!!


I found a picture of myself online last night, part of the Hawkshead set. God I looked fat! I had a baggy fleece on and my running tights and I looked awful. It has spurred me into action though I feel slightly spaced> I need to get fitter and lose a bit of weight so I can move more efficiently.

I need to amke sure I drink more water coz my joints are feeling very stiff and sore. My hip hasn't been right since I went 'rollerblading' with Caitlin. I use the term lightly. I think I may have to take cod liver oil or something, must look that up!

I've reduced the depakote to two so it will be interesting to see if I get withdrawals. I already feel odd. Watch this space!

Head alert!

It's been a reasonable week, all in all. I tried lowering my depakote by one pill, but felt so stressed by the middle of the afternoon that I had to take another one.

I've been buzzing this week, school has been particularly good. I have felt very involved, especially with the arrangements for interviewing the new head. It was really funny when the Deputy Head couldn't work out the timetable but three women managed on their own to come up with three identical ones. Men huh!

We managed to get some articles onto the Elleray blog too, all about our pond dipping expedition. I've never seen the children so animated about getting their ideas on computer.

I am feeling so fat and unfit at the moment. Even when I go to the gym or for a run, and especially when I play tennis, I just feel incapable. I have joined the club that Chris is a member of. I'm hoping that I can persuade hubby to have the odd game with me but frankly he'll wipe me off the court! We're not spending too much time together at the moment. We had been trying to go climbing and for the odd walk but it's tailed off. I even gave up going to yoga so we had more time together but we now seem to have less time. And trying to organise it so I can get to tennis is even worse. No wonder I'm feeling stressed.

Chelsea won the premiership at last, beating Man U 3-0. It was a beautiful game as well. I must go and check ebay to see if Mourinho' medal is up. I wouldn't part with it but hubby thinks otherwise.

Must try to sleep

Exercising well!

I am feeling so much better of late. Since I've started to reduce the Depakote, I feel more stable and more motivated...and less hungry which has to be a good thing. I've also started to exercise more. Today I jogged to the gym, did a decent workout including a twenty minute run ( on the back of Hawkshead!!) and some good arm weights!

I then managed to go out and play tennis this evening. I had a really good craic in a women's doubles match, where no one took anything too seriously! He who must be obeyed took things very seriously!

I will ache tomorrow but at least I don't have to get up to make sandwiches, as the children are more than capable of making Roo's lunch on their own

Up and running

And now a bizarre turn around of events!

Having run with Maria, and walked with her family, last Monday I felt down yet slightly more confident about this weekend's run.
The few days at school were fairly uneventful. Lessons seemed to go well; most children were on task( except those that I later found out are leaving at the end of the year).

I awoke on Saturday, alone. Ant was in the basement having got back very late, or should that read early in the morning. There was no milk for cereal so bagel it was ( same as I ate when I ran the marathon, strangely). What I needed was caffeine but couldn't face a coffee that early so I grabbed a few pounds and hoped for the best.

I love driving over to an event. There is a hopefulness, an expectation about it, especially if the weather is good. (cloudy is good).

Claire and ~Graham were their usual organised selves. Claire looks great after her trauma. Must make a mental note to do a sponsored event for neo natal/prem babies. Hawkshead was teeming with people. It was all so friendly and welcoming.

Only flaw was the catering.£1 for a coffee! Anyway, caffeine and sugar did the trick. I like to have caffeine before a run. I read somewhere that it helps with distances as it helps the body to use fat for energy, rather than building up the lactic acid thing. If it's a comfort blanket it works.

The run was gruelling but great fun. There were three hills, which I ran up the majority of. There was one guy who religiously walked up every hill and ran everything else. He was so impressive and beat me. I really enjoyed watching some of the good hill runners carefully picking their way up the inclines. Good job I could beat them on the downs and the flats. I loved them! Came in at 2.02, gives me something to aim at for next year!! Definitely going to do it again, unless the Marathon bug hits me! I also ended up sprinting round the junior race with little Jess to encourage her... not that she needed any encouragement!! She was a star! Shame we didn't get more children along from school, but then I can talk; my kids weren't there!

I may have spent most of the afternoon dozing but it felt really wonderful to be out and running in the open air. Either that has improved my mood or the drugs have finally kicked in. had a bit of a downer when Chelsea lost the FA cup semi final but frankly they played like school boys. The free kick that gave Liverpool the lead was a travesty but Mourenio got his strategy all wrong!

I need to think seriously about running in next week's Keswick half marathon. I really enjoyed last year's but hadn't given much thought to this year, but as I don't feel too stiff itoday it might be worth a try. If only to keep me running and seemingly happier....Watch this space!

Still down and getting anxious

By rights I should be OK today. Lots of exercise yesterday and lots of fresh air, no aches and pains and the kids back at school tomorrow.

Trouble is, I can't have any time to myself, bar this short interlude. We have friends visiting for a couple of days, which have put the kibosh on my planning or going to school to get everything sorted out. I wouldn't mind but they just seem hyper critical of everything we do. Our house is too messy (we have kids they don't). They take amazing holidays ( above applies)., Our pets are smelly ( good point but I still love my rats and they are better behaved than the cats who can't decide where their litter tray is)

I'm becoming more tense by the minute. The children are whining, Roo thinks Caitlin is getting all the attention, but in reality she is just showing off more than he is. He didn't have lunch and then moaned about being hungry but wouldn't eat a banana so it really meant he wanted chocolate or yoghurt. Then I asked him to get his Karate outfit so that Icould iron it only to find it covered in dirt and dried on red sweets. Hopefully a quick wash cycle will be just that!


I WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE FOR A WHILE!!!!!!!


we have an INSET tomorrow on First Aid which I really want to skip. I don't really see why we need this training. We have a matron on the site and a couple of very well trained nursery nurses. If anything happens you dial 999 or risk getting sued if something goes wrong. Nuff said.


I think I'll email the Head and suggest that my change in meds is having some odd side effects and that I need to see my psych in the morning...That'll give me an excuse any way and he can't question it!



Now I have to hope dinner cooks in time as we have Karate to get to and Ant has to work... I could do with playing tennis but it looks like it will be too hard to organise. Ah well my life comes fourth I suppose!

What a day

Easter Sunday was delightful; spent time with Maria and her family, the kids having an easter egg hunt and the grown ups drinking lots of coffee and eating chocolate cake.

Monday couldn't be more different. Maria has wanted to go for a run 'off road' for a while and finally collared me in such a way I couldn't say no. We ran up on the Scar this morning in strong winds but it felt wonderful. It's done my confidence a lot of good before the Hawkshead run, though how my legs will feel tomorrow remains to be seen.

Especially as we all then went for a very long walk in the Howgills up a route called the Calf. The children did remarkably well although I was a little concerned about Caitlin's fitness. Helena is such a fit little thing so the contrast was major. reuben did really well considering his legs are so small. I think he was determined to keep up with Declan.

So now we will cuddle up under a duvet and watch a DVD. Nanny McPhee anyone?


P.S. Chelsea move to within one point of the title!!!! Yeah!

Easter Sunday

I've been having thoughts of regeneration, rebirth, a new start. I'd like to think it had something to do with spirituality but it probably has more to do with the new series of Doctor Who. I have memories of watching the old series with my sister fro m behind the sofa but there was ,I am sure, nothing quite like the Russel T Davies version. It's so wonderful having Saturday nights in with the children. A six year old and an eight year old are the best people to watch it with. Now it's their turn to watch from under the cushions!

And just for the record, David Tennant is dead good! And the impersonation of Cassandra was spot on!


So rebirth and stuff! I am having major struggles with my life. Much of it has to do with the fact that I am changing my medication, from depakote to Lamotrigine. Depakote puts weight on so I think I am using it as an excuse for having gained half a stone or more. Trouble is I have no motivation to do anything about it. What if when I've changed my meds I don't manage to lose the weight? I have got to find my motivation again. I can just about get to the gym but I just seem to put on weight rather than lose it . Reuben and I went shopping the other day. He has such good taste! but the things he chose just didn't fit. He then asked me why I wasn't a size 12 anymore. I was so depressed but it only served to make me eat more. I'm going to try to use the week after Easter to have my own restart!

I'm running in the Hawkshead trail run next week and I have at least managed to go for one long run ( and it's only taken me three days to recover!) Never mind, I only need to finish. I'll walk if I have to!

I suppose the new motivation has to be our holiday. We are going to Cornwall with some pals over Whitsun week. I'd like to be able, no willing, to wear a swimming costume and swim with the kids and so much of that depends on my confidence. I'm just not sure how I can go about improving that!!!

Regaining control

It has been a time of immense vacillation, in oh so many ways.

In terms of my mental health, since increasing my dose of depakote my moods swings have been more noticeable. Great when I'm having a hyperactive phase but not so fabulous when the motivation lapse hits. My psych and I have therefore decided to try a different approach. I'm sure that depakote has been responsible for my putting on weight too, so we are going to try Lamotrigine instead. We'll have to see if it makes a difference.

School has been the most awkward factor in my life of late. The head has resigned after only eight months owing to general incompetence, governorial issues and at least having the realisation that the school could run better without him. I have had quite a few chats with him and feel I know rather alot about the situation which other people don't. I did contemplate applying for the Headship myself but I'm not sure I'm yet ready to divulge my mental health issues to anyone else. I'm frightened that the stigma would affect other people more than it affects me. I don't wan t to give the governors cause to call my eaching into question.

I am however starting to question the rest of my life but more of that when my computer is not about to run out of juice!!!

Shit

I feel shite! I've lapsed with my meds this week coz I've lost one set and ran out. My routine is up the spout coz hubby has gone skiing, the kitchen has been ripped out, there's no hot water or heating, my daughter is ill, I spent a day in London so had lots of driving to do, everything is a mess, I can't find anything, I'm eating crap, I can't exercise coz the kids are at home


AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Tricky little buggers!

The bane of a teacher's ( and a parent's ) life have reared their ugly head in our house. NITS!!!

I took the kids for a pre-school haircut only for the hairdresser to say "No way" to Caitlin. One swipe with the comb revealed an infestation including all sorts of shapes and sizes of louse and live eggs. I sat in the hairdressers waiting for Roo ( who as usual was completely clear) picking out tiny bugs with my nails and cracking them, listening to them pop.

Where do they come from? What is their purpose? which was the first bug who decided that human hair, and children's hair in particular was the perfect place to exist? My school is regularly infested with them. They just keep coming.

I hadn't combed C's hair properly for a while so heavens knows where they came from, or how long she'd had them but after a swift shampoo with 'healthy hair ' drops from Chawtons , a major conditioning and then copious combings with nit combs, neither of us have them anymore. I had one but I think that came from when I cuddled C to console her after her humiliation. And anyway I won't do anything to the kids that I wouldn't do myself.

And if you want kamikaze nits, look up Healthy hair drops. You can then pick the nits out of the sink!

Day two

There is something magical about having kids. They stop you having to fret all the time about jobs you haven't done, like the ironing!. Mine decided to have an arts and crafts day and to draw up a list of the things they wanted to do besides.
Caitlin is making a cardboard handbag, don't ask me why, whilst Roo is making a car- a boy thing. Lots of papier Mache and glue! Pictures will follow!

I have still managed to clear out the rats, hoover, put some clothes away, make two meals and still have time to blog. My mind seems clearer and I'm not so tempted to run away with my thoughts which is also good but I desperately need to exercise. That will have to wait till after the kids are at school!

Kids are a fabulous excuse to ignore all responsibilities until you fancy facing them!

New Year Suggestions!

Resolutions are such hard things to keep that this year I'm aiming for suggestions on how I'm going to live my life better! This could be a long list; I think I may be slightly manic at the moment, certainly tense so I have lots of ideas running round my head.

1. Eat more healthily ( but will this begin before or after we eat all the chocolate and biscuits my mother has filled our house with this Xmas?). I go to weightwatchers and when I follow the plan it does work but my head gives in to chocolate...something to do with endorphins I guess. Exercise has the same effect so...item two is...
2. Exercise regularly. I would like to actually train for some of the runs I have coming up. I have a gym membership too so I have few excuses apart from a slight lack of motivation.
3. Finish my calligraphy course.
4. Learn a new skill. Musical, website design, podcasting or another.
5.Take my medication regularly. As a certified manic depressive it is rather important that I remember my meds. They are one of the few things that keep me stable, especially when my triggers are pressuring me.
6. Go back to America to visit some really good friends.
7. To be continued.