Touching base

Am back on the meds and thinking through a fog. The season has changed and so has my mood! Going back to bed and allowing myself to just be!

At last some good news

I went through a very dark patch last week. Blackness abounded. The thoughts in my head were very dark and pessimistic but I confided in my husband and he was well enough to help me through it.

As a result I am back on my meds (lamotrigine and citalopram). It will take a while to settle I know but I feel I am over the worst of it.

I have been dealing with the down by not trying too hard. I have a quilt to make that mom treated me to when she visited. It is very simple, just squares and rectangles, but logically and laborious, just the thing for  a stupor like this one. It looks good and is growing slowly.

I am a little further on now but cant find the camera

But the good news...

About three months ago I was training for a marathon. One day I went for a half hour run and half way my achilles started to hurt. Stupidly I carried on. The next day I couldn't walk and the doctor said ' you must rest till it is completely healed'. He might as well have said we need to amputate! I rely on running for my sanity. It is that breath of fresh air in the fog of depression or the mountain to scale with the energy of a manic moment! I grieved for weeks! I didn't walk properly for weeks. The dog had to depend on other, less committed, people for her walks.

Well, today, I took Molly for a walk along a flat pavement near home. I was cheesed off with her so avoided the beach. Half way along I thought 'I wonder?'. 20 steps of jogging-no pain or pulling. I walked a little then tried again. No pain no pulling. Three times I tried this. I nearly burst into tears. These may be baby steps ( all of 100 yards)  but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe I will be able to run again. Maybe one day I will run another marathon. Either way my head is in a much better space than it has been.

I have been reading 'An Unquiet Mind' too, on the beach during my dog walking. It is so me, it is incredible. Maybe I should write my memories and experiences or is that one of those flights of fancy we bipols are famous for.

Last week I was going to study psychology and find a cure! Maybe not!

This tree is at the top of our street. I love it at this time of year, especially after a 'little' run

So today I am grateful for my meds, my understanding husband ( who is in hospital having tests on his heart) and for the place where I live, peaceful, green and with a flat bit of pavement!

Who's is the voice inside my head?

Hubby and I have infrequent date nights. Going out involves timing, organisation, inclination, effort and money. Therefore it happens rarely unless a friend says 'let's do this quiz', in which case it becomes a weekly event.
Now that the kids are legally allowed to stay home alone (and so far Caitlin isn't charging us for baby sitting her brother) we are hoping to make it a date night a more regular occurrence.

There is however another problem with going on a date with my husband. Whenever we sit across a table from each other, things get emotional. I generally cry, a lot! I think it has to do with having his undivided attention; no house, kid, work etc issues so we can talk honestly and openly about stuff. And I always cry!

A few nights ago we decided to be grown ups (or should that read old people). We went to see the Best Exotic Marigold Hotel.

When I grow up I want to be Judy Dench

It was sweet if lacking in any depth and we were the youngest people there! I was taken by the colours of India. How can such an impoverished country be so vibrant (sorry if that sounds like an ignorant westerner). Then we went for dinner, nothing special, a chain restaurant with no holiday surcharges (it was Easter Sunday).

Obviously I am not in a great place right now but we had an interesting debate about how brain chemistry works and the effect that it has on everything else. In my worst manic moments, when I was breaking down and feeling as though the ghouls from "Ghost' were coming to drag me to hell, a small part of my brain would tell me "This is just an act, you are making this up, it is just for attention". Thing is, I know it wasn't. But who was saying it? It was my brain function but not ME, so then who?

I don't pretend to understand the science behind the way a brain works, about neurons and synapses, apart from what I learn on House, but how can my brain be telling me something I know isn't true. Is this the same voice that tells me I am stupid or worthless or fat or lazy?

We used to say I had an evil twin. We thought she only came out at certain times of the month but now we realise she is actually controllable up to a point and hormones have nothing to do with her, but she is omnipresent. Always there niggling, poking, picking away at all my inadequacies. Right now she is doing a good job and I am having to fight back but with limited energy.

can you tell who is who?

"You are fat"... well, I have put on a little weight but largely that is because I can't run because of my ankle injury, so I am walking the dog more, starting to watch what I eat and I am thinking Weight Watchers after the holidays...

"Your house is a mess"... ah yes but four people live here so it is a team mess! And it's the holidays and who honestly notices anyway except me

'You are crap at sewing'... just because one friend obviously didn't like the picture you made her doesn't mean a thing. She has no taste.

'Your life has no purpose'...have you met the kids???? They are awesome and all the purpose I need (maybe I need to start believing that rather than just writing it)

SO the fight continues, though even now I am emotional just writing it down.

I wish I could just send her on holiday for a while, just while the seasons change maybe. I love autumn but it is a time of change from up to down, high to low, light to dark and Kay Redfield Jamieson has reported that these are dangerous times for us bipols.

On my walk today with the dog I decided maybe I need to look out my anti depressants again, just for a while, I need to write down the things I am grateful for  and I need to give myself a break from the evil twin. Trouble is I don't know where she lives.

Surely there isn't room in my head for both of us?


Three things to be grateful for...

Molly was much calmer yesterday. Good thing too as the animal warden had been round after neighbors complained about the barking!

I had a lovely morning painting a grudge pony ( Reuben needs company when he is painting his warhammer figures)


I have nearly finished a sewing project that has bugged me for weeks

Adrenalin is a many splendid thing...potentially!

I have worked for Gifted Kids for about two years now. We are a national organisation but actually day to day I am autonomous in my classroom. Occasionally we get together, like at the conference at the weekend. Maybe 5 times a year there will be between 5 (Auckland area) and 15 (nationwide) of us in a room.

At the weekend a couple of people asked after my health because 'whenever we see you , you are suffering from something.' Generally it's a cold, a cough, fluey bug, occasionally a real illness. Got me thinking!

As some of you know this week has been hard. Major mood swings, total and utter lethargy, flu like symptoms, cough, streaming nose (bit like hayfever) and then Tuesday night a complete inability to sleep!!! So I must be ill, right?

Or

a huge feeling of inadequacy, an expectation of failure, imposter syndrome, perfectionism and "I JUST CAN"T DO IT" running through my head.

You see, not only do I live with bipolar disorder but I am also a gifted kid! There is a whole book on that but the blog post will keep for another day!

Basically ever since I joined GK I have experienced a tremendous sense of inadequacy. All my colleagues are more qualified, experienced, better teachers etc than me. They nearly all presented at conference and I wasn't asked ( actually I am quite good at presenting but keep my light hidden), I may disagree with some of what they say but can never stand up and say so coz "I might be wrong" "They might have a go at me for being stupid" etc.

I am sure I am going to be found out for the failure I am. How can anyone trust me to teach their kids et etc etc. I could go on but honestly what's the point!

These things I know...
I am a good teacher, in fact my kids say I am awesome, and so do some of their parents.


I think well on my feet, I am a natural problem solver.


I GET gifted kids coz I am one, so I can empathise in a way that some of my colleagues can't.


I'm an introvert so chances are I will feel nervous at these gatherings but it has nothing to do with my ability!


History shows that actually I haven't failed yet, but even if I did, that would be ok coz I learn from mistakes. (Failed is a strong word. HIstorically when people have had a go at me, it is because of some perceived weakness in themselves)


I am a good person. I support other people, more than I support myself.


I am vaguely intelligent (um high IQ, good at quizzes, know my strengths and weakness and what kind of learner i am)

Most of my FLU symptoms went away yesterday because

1) Caitlin's parents meetings happened and were great- I had expected a run in with her form teacher about him being an idiot but that didn't happen!

2)I started talking about it. Hubby was feeling better and actually listened.

3) The end of term feedback forms to parents got done, just in time and actually pretty well! It's the first time we did them and so I had no experience, nothing to go on and my lead teacher told me they were easy and not to stress-cue stress!

I had to write two sentences on each child, then print them out so the kids could hand write their reflections ...but my comments weren't going to be good enough, what if parents or kids didn't agree with them... and so the anxiety built.

That morning, after no sleep, I was going to email my principal and say 'I can't do this job. It's killing me! I'm useless". She would probably have told me to go away and get some sleep!

But the day went well. I told them I was stressed and why (the forms). The kids called me evil! That's a good thing! The forms got done, on the computers, so that the kids could read my comments, check the spelling, chat to me about them, and we could alter them as necessary so when the parents read them the  kids would know why I had said what I'd said! So everyone was happy. And we got easter eggs and Indiana Egg went on an eggscellent eggspedition and scaled the cliffs of eggspectation to seek the sacred egg of the covenant (ok so it was a tech challenge, how to get a chocolate egg across a 'cavern' ( between a chair and a table three metres apart) without touching the ground. I'll leave that hanging...

It's all about the future. What WILL people think? What WILL they say? WHEN WILL I be found out? WHAT IF I'm no good?

The adrenalin has been crippling this week and yet here I am, on Thursday, able to write, I've just spent an hour playing Star Wars Kinect  and using up the adrenalin that it left. I am still tingling and shaking slightly but I am just tired, not exhausted. I have the Easter holidays to look forward to and the sun is shining.

Just don't mention the fact that I am hosting brunch on Easter Sunday for  some friends and their kids. The husband is a real foodie and I just about cook. He usually writes the treasure hunt and this is my first time doing it. And the house is a mess ( dust bunnies everywhere) and we have to buy and hide eggs and and and and and..

I hear meditation is good for this sort of thing :-) Or maybe I'll just go and kill a few more clones with my light sabre!!!

Hugs

At the weekend I attended the GiftEDNZ Conference (Professional Association for Gifted Education) in Wellington.

 Maybe it was being surrounded by so many 'like minds', or maybe it was my own brain observing so many passionate people pursuing their personal dreams or maybe it was the realisation that I need to do something (else/more/different/special/for me-delete as applicable) but I came away with a hunger. I say hunger, maybe it was more of a craving. Being a bipol, I sometimes find myself noticing, from a distance, what I am thinking. I envied certain of the speakers for their eloquence, I envied some for their commitment to their subject, for their creativity, for their confidence. I wondered why it was that I was not pursuing my academic goals, my creative dreams, my personal desires. Of course it helps to know what these are! Being overwhelmed by choice and then not doing anything about it has sort of been the story of my life, I guess. I could be anything, do anything, but what? The conference has got me thinking- as you'd expect from a conference on gifted education. But more on a personal level than a professional one.

Since I last blogged on this site (I think) I have joined an organisation called Gifted Kids and now work as a 'one day a week' facilitator (note not teacher) of a group of wonderful year 8 gifted kids. Thing is, whilst as a teacher I can teach just about anything,  this job is teaching me sooooo much about me.

I react quite emotionally to things at the best of times. At a PD (professional development) session a while ago a colleague was talking about the social and emotional needs of gifted kids. I read the slide on her powerpoint, about introverts, and nearly burst into tears ( which would have been a great look in front of 30 teachers!) because there I was, on the screen, in black and white (well pale blue and dark blue!)

This weekend, it was about perfectionism, resilience and again the social and emotional needs of the gifted; concepts I should be covering with my kids but which I am still trying to deal with myself. I was moved by discussions on excellence, trying to be the best you can be or just better than the rest (me or Caitlin?)or just giving up because you can't be the best (or just can't do it?).

The greatest effect however was a paper delivered by Dr Deborah Fraser of the University of Waikato, on Depression and Creativity: LIberation from the Noonday Demon. The paper itself was ok, informative though I would have liked  it to have been more child focussed. She dwelt on famous depressives-Dickinson, Plath etc but then mentioned Kay Redfield Jamison who is something of a hero of mine. She is the chair of psychiatry at Johns Hopkins ( inspite of being a psychologist) and a famous bipol. So of course my brain went into over drive, bipolar disorder being mentioned in a talk at a gifted ed conference????

Then came a list of Do's and Don'ts...not all of which I agree with

DO-
Quieten the Mind (meditation etc)
Develop self acceptance
Go into Nature
Seek Social Support (BUT I'm an introvert so I don't like to be social)
Reframing (going to have to look that one up)
Be Daring (does jumping out of an aeroplane count)
Express those strong feelings (in art or something creative)
Orient yourself to the future
Take drugs (I mean meds)
Find a purpose ( but which one?)

DON'T
Read about it, it will only depress you ( but what about those feelings of...thank god some one else feels like me?)
Listen to the "You MUST" voice (ok I agree with that but that voice shouts real loud)
Have analysis (controversial?)
Talk about it (very controversial)
Planning
Time Management ( I find this very helpful)
Reliving the emotions
Obsessing
Doing Nothing (so all of the above things are better thn doing nothing at all?)


I tend to take a lot of things on face value so rarely disagree. But here I have to, because the benefit I gained from the session had nothing to do with the talk. You see, I suddenly became an expert. Some of my colleagues know I am bipolar (the whole of West Auckland does since my number plate says so!) and I was able to share with them afterwards my thoughts, feelings and knowledge. It was the first time I had felt energised in the company of these wonderful people. Instead of envying their knowledge I could share mine and not be judged, and as often happens, it freed them up to share their concerns and issues. So we talked ( not recommended), I relived some of the emotions (again not recommended) and I have been asked to share An Unquiet MInd with a number (um shouldn't be reading about it should we?)

I advertise too :-)

I have come home desperate to DO something. Should I take a paper or two in gifted ed? Should I look into psychology? Should I write a book (or blog) about my experiences? After all the emotions and memories are so clear in my head. Should I? Could I? 'Should' is banned in our house but I felt/feel that I haven't fulfilled my potential. There is more I could do. Perhaps I need to do more? Or just different? So here is a new start, a rebirth of this blog. Maybe if I free my brain from its own restrictions and let loose, something will happen? Who knows?

It has to be better than the homecoming was. Caitlin and I talked for hours about the conference and what I had learned about her and me. She's 14 going on 43, gifted, hard working and intense. She rocks! That part of the homecoming was awesome.

The following day however was back to drudge. I have a brain the size of a planet (thanks Marvin), a degree from Oxford and so much potential yet Sunday was full of drudge. How can I reach my potential if I am expected (or expect myself) to cook, clean, garden, support others and do tasks which overwhelm my emotional brain (like gardening which is neverending, imperfect, so tiring) which leaves me exhausted and with no time to do anything else? So seeing Time management on the list of Don'ts doesn't work for me. I will garden for an hour and then I will do something for me, maybe, if it's ok with you.

Even writing that makes me emotional. Like I don't deserve to have the time to do 'my thing', if at times I knew what that thing is. I am suffering today from the physical aftermath of a meltdown yesterday. I feel as though I have a cold but I know it is connected to the events of yesterday. I essentially had a meltdown over the fact that no one else bothers. I came home to a house messier and dirtier than I had left it and which I was expected to clean. No one mentioned all the effort I had gone to to make sure the weekend ran smoothly for everyone (making dinner before I left, tidying up, leaving lists, forms and money out for kids' activities). Why did I bother?

I sought out that support Fraser mentioned yesterday and was knocked back. The kids were great in the end but my husband the psychologist just sat there and essentially told me to pull myself together and just go away! I thnk on the Don'ts list there could be "Don't marry a psychologist! They just don't understand!". Thank god for my son who joined me in the garden just as I was melting down and stayed with me til the end of the tree decimation. Hopefully he won't become a psychologist because at the moment he knows exactly what to do!

So my time management list says I need to finish now, or my brain will allow me to carry on for hours and the drudgery won't get done...hm!

Maybe this is the beginning of something? Maybe it is just something different? Who knows? We shall see!

Marathon madness (reposted from Unepxected hug Blog)

I have had a busy month and no time to venture on to the blog- or at least venture away from Facebook long enough to post.

I went back to the UK for the first time in nearly three years, to visit my mom and dad. He is 90 with Alzheimers and she is caring for him, at home, though now with the help of carers who come in four times a day. It was a relief to see mom looking so well, and to see dad so peaceful, dozing in his chair. It was very difficult to leave them, knowing I will probably not see him again, but I was reassured that my dad was in there somewhere, when he smiled at me, and that I could say 'goodbye' this time!

I met up with a few friends too, went to see 'Polar Bears' by Mark Haddon at the Donmar Warehouse ( which was excellent- to my bipolar brain anyway), stayed up for the UK elections and ran around the streets of Oxford and Kendal in preparation for my marathon. It felt good to be running up old familiar hills with such ease. The dam hill near us is good for something then!!!! I even ran into Oxford at 6am on May morning, for old times sake. Managed to miss the singing but sat drinking coffee on Merton Street watching the crowds, thinking how nothing had changed since the mid 1980's when I was a student there.

Gate to Christchurch meadow on May morning

Had a lovely day at the Royal Oak market, when I got back. Shared a table with Revive, beautiful handmade cards, made from vintage wall paper, and sat next to, and chatted with Alan Coates ( kiwialan). He is such a mine of information and lovely anecdotes. The time flew by. For me, the fair was a good one- after all I never expect to make much money, and I was able to treat myself to a new t shirt from cctees and a typewriter key pendant from Alan, so all is good.

My next adventure ( and the reason why I have had less time to do anything really) is the Christchurch Marathon. It is on June 6th, less than a fortnight away. I am hoping to raise money for two very important charities- The Alzheimers' Society in the UK  ( for obvious reasons) and the West Auckland Hospice in NZ ( who looked after my lovely friend Sian who lost her battle with cancer at the beginning of this year).

If you happen upon this blog, or are a regular visitor, please consider making a donation to either of these good causes by clicking on the links

Alzheimers Society

West Auckland Hospice

and think of me at 9am (NZ time) on the morning of June 6th. Actually 12pm would be a better time to be thinking of me. That's when I shall really need the support!!!!

Hugs!

somewhat artistic musings from THREADSTAR: THE WONDER THAT IS WOMAN...

somewhat artistic musings from THREADSTAR: THE WONDER THAT IS WOMAN...


Normally I would try to link to another blog by reposting the post here. Probably because I have been on holiday for a month I have forgotten how to do that! Anyway... this post needs to be read by everyone. In fact this blog needs to be read by everyone, so... go on, click on the link and just go and rejoice!

somewhat artistic musings from THREADSTAR: THE WONDER THAT IS WOMAN...

somewhat artistic musings from THREADSTAR: THE WONDER THAT IS WOMAN...

And so as not to be outdone

Firstly here are the photos from Reuben's successful night. Here he is winning second place in the Basic Facts championship- behind Felix, the big kid!

And here is Reuben getting runner up in the Best Allrounder in the universe ever award!

Next year we are thinking of ringlets and a waistcoat!

So, then, yesterday, Reuben was off doing an TVC= television commeracial for NZ RU ) rugby union- (yes lots of lovely rugby players!) at exactly the same time as Caitlin was having her prizegiving. I managed to drop him and dash to her school.

I missed her getting her termly red star. She now has eight which is enough for a gold kauri already. She also got one for hard materials!

Miss W had come along, just in case I couldn't get there, so that C had a support team, and if she hadn't got anything, a shoulder to cry on!

Shouldn't have worried should I?

When I was there, they announced the top sports people of the year and Morgan, her mate, took the year 7 girl prize.

Then they announced the academic prizes... Year seven girls... Caitlin Ashcroft. Just as well Elaine had tissues with her. My heart really can't take this.

I can't work out though why I am surprised, but I always am. I know my kids are amazing and kind and generous and clever but they still surprise me.

Here's the trophy, already engraved ( which is a nice touch). She also has a little trophy to keep!

My kids both have very bright eyes tonight!

Boy, do I love them!

Out of the shadows

Laingholm school has said good bye to Paul Heff in an emotional week. 16 years as a head teacher is a LONNNGGGGG time.




He is so inspirational. His parting words to Reuben were "You had better be top boy next year!"



We were a stunned family at Prize giving the night before. Roo had been nominated but we had no idea what for. He collected his distinctions in the Australasian exams in Maths and Writing, and was awarded 2nd place in the Basic facts championship! That was it we thought, after awards like 'role model' came and went! The last award of the evening had been discussed at length. Who would be 'All round student of the year'? It always goes to a year six! It usually goes to a sportsman who happens to work hard... Well Rowan came third. We had worked out he was in the running.



But then the shock. Paul read out "Reuben"... Ah Reuben Mita we thought. Yes that's good coz he's such a good writer!

BUT NO! "Reuben... ASHCROFT!" said Paul. Some mistake surely! Roo is only a year 5! Oh my god! My boy!

And sure enough, Ruben Mita did get the actual award- but my little Reuben is officially the second best boy in the ENTIRE SCHOOL!!!



Finally he has stepped out of the shadow of his overachieving sister! His school report suggests he still has a way to go, opening up in class more and eveloping into the leader we all know he can be, but...



We are so proud of him. He is so proud of himself!



What a way to end the year!



And now he is off to be an extra in a feature film, starring a famous cartoon bear!



He will be famous one day, my boy

We are very proud parents

12 months ago Caitlin competed for the title of Laingholm School Idol 2008.  


This year she returned as reigning champion. 


This is the latest performance.  


There were one or two sound issues but her professionalism shone through.


And well done to Jess ( this year's winner) and Chloe for stunning performances!










I am such a proud mom!

Oh, what a week!

Eventful and some!

The Laingholm Goddesses ( as we are now calling ourselves- or rather I am!) held a lunchtime gathering for Sian, our friend with the Big C. It was the most joyous occasion. A group of women brought together by their love for one person, many of whom knew each other a little through shared classes or through school but who laughed and cried together easily. Many of us hadn't seen Sian for a while so we were shocked by her appearance. So terribly thin, yet swollen by her illness. Caitlin has said, and bear in mind she is 11, that Sian has been many people since we have known her... Laura's mum, the student nurse, mommy's friend who asked for help on her Bipolar presentation and yet now she is something different. She IS her illness. We have all Facebooked more in the last week than the previous months, sharing jokes, congratulating others on courses passed, kids' successes, or just commenting on how lucky we are. The community has blossomed but how sad it is that this has to happen because of something so sad.

The next day, I held a little afternoon tea for my birthday. Many of the same people attended both events, though Dads and kids were only allowed to mine. I think there was a sense of relief, that we could talk freely and openly. There, again, was a lot of love in the house, and laughter and the noise of children. I don't think I ate anything and drank hardly anything- which is saying something as I only allow my self a drink on my birthday and Xmas  for reasons of sanity! My favourite people were there, they brought great food, the kindest presents and we had a lovely time. My mate Elaine remarked that I deserved it. Maybe I do. We have talked a lot recently about sharing the love, being positive and passionate about things. Getting there...

Anton allowed me a day's grace this year. We visited A&E on the day after my birthday this year. I have felt very angry with him for shutting me out, for not being there emotionally for me especially during the last two weeks. He can be so blinkered and so 'selfish' for want of a better word. I have tried talking to him, asking how he is, taking more of an interest in his day, his extras work etc but we have hardly seen him. A&E was the last straw. A silent trip there, a three hour wait ( for me as I wasn't allowed in with him) a silent trip back, no thanks just silence. He went to see the doctor today and told me nothing. I finally had to get through. He says he understands that he hasn't been good enough. I think it scared him that I said I was close to leaving because I had had no emotional support, or rather that my 11 year old daughter had provided me with comfort beyond her years ( but then she is 43!). Will it make a difference? For how long?

But life is too short not to enjoy.

Today was Laingholm school's athletics day. My springy boy came second in the high jump again. He can virtually jump over his height- almost! God knows how! He wrote his letter of application to be a school banker today. He so wants that job. Should get it.

Caitlin was awarded her bronze kauri award for all round excellence at school, two stars of each colour and two of any colour. She was hoping for that at the end of year 8. She has got it before the end of year 7! She is such a joy!

I got lots of comments on my hat today. It is decorated with three rainbow flowers which make people smile ( not tested but an official statement). There were lots of smiles today. Kids running makes people smile... and the person who comes last always gets the biggest cheers- WELL DONE TIM!

Our kitchen floor is going to look great. Howey is doing a great, and fast job!

I am reading Haruki Murakami's Things I think about when I am running- that's a joyous book.

The sun shone all day.

Molly. a flea ridden nightmare but I love her!

I am going to bed, happy.

I have a great life all told!

Counting one's blessings

I received a lovely compliment today. Really made my day in fact. Graham and a student teacher took time out of their busy 'Green Gold" celebration day to discuss the fact I was wearing a skirt and shoes, rather than the clumpy boots I usually wear! So later that day I heard a few 'Great legs' comments. Yay for thin ankles I say!

Anyway made my day and I worried Graham greatly when I hugged him when he was on road patrol and said 'thanks' but didn't explain why!

Today is a day for saying thanks and counting one's blessings. The Laingholm community celebrate the school getting the Green Gold Award for its efforts in working with the environment. The Major, Bob Harvey was there and was as usual impressive. More so  because today he gave his majoral chain to an 8 year old boy to wear. It was this kid's birthday so it was a nice thought. However this kid lost his father about a fortnight ago, in a suicide. Bob spent a long time sitting with him, eating morning tea. It wa as though this kid was the only person in the world who mattered. It was beautiful and very moving.

I have spent time with other mums today too, talking about our dear friend Sian. People ( mums ) have rallied amazingly. In fact I felt a bit guilty for not having cooked or helped out practically, but then I have enough trouble cooking for my own kids ( and then they dont eat it). But today I sat and listened and made coffee and allowed my friends some time to talk. When I texted one later to say how amazing she has been, fielding everyone's questions and offers, she replied by thanking me for my help today. I was deeply touched.

The Laingholm mums are finding support in each other. Largely, we think because the Laingholm dads don't seem to be able to understand how we are feeling. One friend was talking about Sian buying 18th birthday presents for her kids and leaving them letters or memory boxes for the important points in their lives. I wonder sometimes if the men realise just how important we are to the lives of our kids and how they would cope if we weren't there to deal with stuff, big and small. I, for one am finding it difficult as my OH doesn't seem to get why I am so numb, or putting energy into supporting others. In fact there is not a lot of communication going on at all right now!

Hence the compliment came at just the right time

OK Gratitude list

Bob Harvey
"Great Legs"
fireworks at home
Caitlin wanting big bangs.
Caitlin doing a mime of Graham
Roo being 'FLASH" at kung fu
finding the right photo album for Alison
WW being free
supportive texts
Being there for someone
Marion for being excellent
Lunch- only a snack wrap but it was really nice!
Finding the right birthday present for Rachel

News

Just heard startlingly differing news from two fronts

First, one of my best mates in the UK is pregnant, only 7 weeks from term in fact. She hadn't posted anything on facebook, photos of scans etc because she wanted to tell me 'in person' before I found out any other way. Bless her. I think I suspected when she sent the odd message saying we should skype, but I am not a big skype person, so sort of avoided the whole thing! Ah well, better go do some baby shopping. Another buzzy bee will be winging its way to the UK.

And then I get a message from a mate here to say that another mate has been in hospital and that inspite of  recovering from cancer a while back, the doctors have now found it in her stomach and some where else. I think I am too numb to remember. She has possibly weeks left. She has kids in the school years below mine, who are just gorgeous. She has been through so much, being a single mum and all, and now this. I just have to ask why?

Anton has gone to bed early as he has an early start on his film set. I need a hug but maybe not tonight.

So some idiots think it is better to be HIV than to live with a mental condition!?

Meltdown abated,

I promised a photo of Caitlin's poster of "The Travelling Pants'. Unfortunately she had finished it and wrapped it in glad wrap to protect it from the weather when she took it to school, so this is the best I can do.

It has notes in four pockets- two of them stuck on with glue around the knees, a felt patch and a cutout, both of which lift to reveal the writing beneath. She is so proud of it. She loves doing documentaries and presentations but this is completely different for her. Very creative, she even did the sewing herself!

I am a proud mom

After minor meltdown...

So I continue my week of blogging successfully...
Usually I only blog when I am in a certain mood... and this week seems no different. Since lunchtime I have felt flushed and I have been eating continuously- not good with weigh in tomorrow. I was headed for a free Weightwatchers meeting Ah well!

Played tennis with hubby this a.m., in spite of the fact I desperately wanted to craft.  Had my arm twisted. Played reasonably well considering my arm was hurting ( not because it was twisted but because the dog pulls and I think I have strained something), placed the ball nicely and didn't run much, unlike hubby!

So up till lunchtime, life was good.

I did manage to make a cuff but took three goes to get the elastic in. Kept putting the loop in the wrong place in the fabric sandwich.
Started to make a new hug but again things were not going well. I think she'll be OK but will not get finished till tomorrow. Discovered that so far my hugs are all left handed. Not sure what that means, though Roo is a lefty!

After school, watched Roo's t ball practice and then helped Caitlin with her homework. Who else would decide to do a character study, six adjectives and their associated quotes on a pair of jeans- I mean physically on a pair of jeans. The adjectives are on the pockets and the quotes inside. Well it is about Carmen from the Travelling Pants so I suppose it works... and I did get her to embroider most of it herself- I will put a photo on so I don't sound completely mad, at some point.

Meltdown was over a missing CD case. Trivial as usual, but desperately overwhelming. As usual everything became global, as everything would. The house was a tip, my room was a mess, i can't find ANYTHING!!!! Why do people in this house not help? If I want to do more creative stuff then how will I cope with the house? I can't cope with anything etc etc etc. Anyway you get the picture.Luckily I am OK now. Case found, though only after the gazebo was taken back to Debs and I could get into the back of the car.

It has been cathartic writing tonight, like I can put to rest the trauma. As a result of the adrenalin produced, the stack of rubbish is no longer in the hall, there are no longer excessive numbers of cups and plates around the place and the clean washing is at least in the rooms it belongs in, if not exactly put away.

Strangely I still think I am doing the right thing with the meds. I had registered earlier that something was coming and the disc case was merely the final trigger. It could have been anything.

Today's gratitude-
1. Playing tennis with Ant
2. Playing tennis well
3. Paddling in the sea at Armour Bay
4. Molly bounding through the waves
5. Making a cuff- finally
6. Watching 'Closer' all the way through- is it a bad thing to fancy "Larry"? Clive Owen is gorgeous but this character is so sleazy, yet somehow honest... hm?
7. Beginning a hug
8. Ant got the returning visitors' visas at last
9. Getting a new fridge- should I worry that he is spending a lot of money?
10. My kids
11. Roo reciting lines from the book he is reading- unfortunately it's Cows in Action
12. Caitlin sewing
13. The kids understanding that I was 'Off' and backing away to keep safe
14. Molly and Teddy knowing that I need a 'hug'
15. Reuben's hair
16. Getting post 'The book of pages' and 'Healthy Hair treatment' from Chawtons
17. Making lighter than air banana bread
18. writing down the train of thought and being aware of how I was thinking earlier.
19. The sun shining
20. Elaine telling me I looked fabulous and thin!!!!!
21. Getting nice email from Trish
22. Being able to give Danni a lift when her car broke
23. ...

I think i can stop now even though there are doubtless other things. I really need to go and turn the iron off!!!! Don't want to burn the house down. That would go against the mood I am trying to be in!

Night!

Gotta love some people

Just received the 'Book of Pages' in the post, having had it recommended. 




Looking at my 'inspired' first ever self designed embroidery...

Adding the song beneath to my Damian Rice, Jeff Buckley, Kate Walsh play list,

Like I said, gotta love some people!

Feeling funky

What a few weeks we have had.

I don't know where to start but then since this is MY BLOG, not the family or the craft blog I can start and say what I want.

I AM EXHAUSTED! At first I thought it was because of the last five days. Having got a table at crafternoon tea, and realising I had nothing to sell, three very late nights ensued, creating 35 flowers! Then there was the actual euphoric event ( good adrenaline rush, your first actual selling fair), the anti climax of coming home to a preoccupied ( by cookies and new kitchen work surface) hubby who didn't remember why you were out for the day and only noticed that you had spent some of the profits on something he regarded as 'not necessary". I didn't appreciate having to explain that it is a thing of beauty- don't you think?- that craft fairs are about sharing the joy, oh and it was for my sewing room and is therefore essential! Oh and the lovely lady ( whose name I am desperate to remember) who made it spent at my stall too...

There is more to this exhaustion than meets the eye however. My joints are hurting, though the pain in my finger joints could be due to sewing flowers and stabbing myself with a seam ripper when helping Caitlin create a poster about the Travelling Pants out of a real pair of jeans!

I have a feeling there may be medical issues here. You see... and don't get mad... I  have sort of been reducing my meds. I have had a very ropey, zombied winter and had upped the meds to no avail. I had a few problems getting my stabiliser ( chemist low on stock) so reduced them and the anti depressants too. For the last month or so ( a while anyway ) I have been noticeably happier, healthier, more responsive. I am far more creative, less likely to spend hours on the internet and likely to be found in my room, making, doing, planning. Frankly I FEEL GREAT. There have been a few roller coaster rides along the way ( see above comments about hubby) but I have been coping. No better than that, I have been living!

This physical lethargy could be to do with that so I am keeping an eye on it. So for all those concerned people, don't fret. The family are good at checking my well being, though if Anton asks me once more how my head is, instead of how I am I think I shall scream. I am a person and my head is attached to me. Also I think I'm doing a good job of channelling my head right now...

Basically I wanted to report in on how I am doing when I wasn't off on one. I know I am still uptight about hubby, but I think we have a different way of looking at the world which has been developing. SOme mates remarked yesterday that he brings everything back to money, rather than enjoying something for what it is. Our kitchen is now beautiful but he will only talk about how much it cost and how much extra a certain bit was...

I do try to share my new joy with him, but it is difficult! Suppose I must try harder! He is off on the jet ski now, having a day off which can only be a good thing!

Right, dog needs a walk, and that means I can keep an eye on the water sports.

Lots of love