Personalities and temperaments

Now that I can't drink because of my Alpha 1 antitrypsin deficiency..can't be bothered to explain it- google it, I am spending my drinking time ( yeah right) reading about personalities and temperaments. Elaine started me off by talking about learning styles and then about the 4 personality types. Having done some tests online and read a few books, it looks like I am Melancholy/phlegmatic.
Your personality is Melancholy Phlegmatic

Melancholy Strength:9 Weakness:15
60%

Phlegmatic Strength:7 Weakness:4
28%

Sanguine Strength:4 Weakness:0
10%

Choleric Strength:0 Weakness:1
3%







Weakness of a Melancholy

The Introvert | The Thinker | The Pessimist
The Melancholy's Emotions
Remembers the negatives
Moody and depressed
Enjoys being hurt
Has false humility
Off in another world
Low self-image
Has selective hearing
Self-centered
Too introspective
Guilt feelings
Persecution complex
Tends to hypochondria
The Melancholy As A Parent
Puts goals beyond reach
May discourage children
May be too meticulous
Becomes martyr
Sulks over disagreements
Puts guilt upon children
The Melancholy At Work
Not people oriented
depressed over imperfections
Chooses difficult work
Hesitant to start projects
Spends to much time planning
Prefers analysis to work
Self-deprecating
Hard to please
Standards often to high
Deep need for approval
The Melancholy As a Friend
Lives through others
Insecure socially
Withdrawn and remote
critical of others
Holds back affections
Dislikes those in opposition
Suspicious of people
Antagonistic and vengeful
Unforgiving
Full of contradictions
Skeptical of compliments

Strengths of a Melancholy

The Introvert | The Thinker | The Pessimist
The Melancholy's Emotions
Deep and thoughtfully
Analytical
Serious and purposeful
Genius prone
Talented and creative
Artistic or musical
Philosophical and poetic
appreciative of beauty
Sensitive to others
Self-sacrificing
Conscientious
Idealistic
The Melancholy As A Parent
Sets high standards
Wants everything done right
Keeps home in good order
Picks up after children
Sacrifices own will for others
Encourages scholarship and talent
The Melancholy At Work
Schedule oriented
Perfectionist, high standards
Detail conscious
Persistent and thorough
Orderly and organized
Neat and tidy
Economical
Sees the problems
Finds creative solutions
Needs to finish what he starts
Likes charts, graphs, figures, lists
The Melancholy As a Friend
Makes friends cautiously
Content to stay in background
Avoids causing attention
Faithful and devoted
Will listen to complaints
Can solve other's problems
Deep concern for other people
Moved to tears with compassion
Seeks ideal mate

Weaknesses of a Phlegmatic

The Introvert | The Watcher | The Pessimist
The Phlegmatic's Emotions
Unenthusiastic
Fearful and worried
Indecisive
Avoids responsibility
Quiet will of iron
Selfish
To shy and reticent
Too compromising
Self-righteous
The Phlegmatic As A Parent
Lax on discipline
Doesn't organize home
Takes life to easy
The Phlegmatic At Work
Not goal oriented
Lacks self motivation
Hard to get moving
Resents being pushed
Lazy and careless
Discourages others
Would rather watch
The Phlegmatic As a Friend
Dampens enthusiasm
Stays uninvolved
Is not exciting
Indifferent to plans
Judges others
Sarcastic and teasing
Resists change

Strengths of a Phlegmatic

The Introvert | The Watcher | The Pessimist
The Phlegmatic's Emotions
Low-key personality
Easygoing and relaxed
Calm, cool and collected
Patient well balanced
Consistent life
Quiet but witty
Sympathetic and kind
Keeps emotions hidden
Happily reconciled to life
All-purpose person
The Phlegmatic As A Parent
Makes a good parent
Takes time for the children
Is not in a hurry
Can take the good with the bad
Doesn't get upset easily
The Phlegmatic At Work
Competent and steady
Peaceful and agreeable
Has administrative ability
Mediates problems
Avoids conflicts
Good under pressure
Finds the easy way
The Phlegmatic As a Friend
Easy to get along with
Pleasant and enjoyable
Inoffensive
Good listener
Dry sense of humor
Enjoys watching people
Has many friends
Has compassion and concern

I particularly like the description of the person in this description, though I am so NOT tidy
The Melancholic / Phlegmatic
The melancholic-phlegmatic is tidier, more procedural and less flexible than the phlegmatic-melancholic. He may be slower to take on new projects, as the melancholic fear of new situations and tendency to perfectionism takes over. The double-dose of introversion, along with the melancholic tendency to negativity, makes it difficult for him to give compliments and make upbeat small talk. It also causes him to instinctively say “no” when he first hears a request. Others may perceive this as “snobbishness.” Unless the melancholic-phlegmatic is very comfortable, and is surrounded by understanding long-time friends, he may find himself somewhat isolated and alone, unable to warm up in a social gathering. He is less critical and less grudge-bearing than a pure melancholic or a melancholic-choleric. However, the tendency of the melancholic to dwell on things for a long time in their mind, combined with the sensitivity of the phlegmatic toward interpersonal relationships, can result in long-lasting hurts, an erosion of self-confidence and self-esteem, and even depression. Extremely sensitive and possessing a longing for the ideal (melancholic), they are also highly attentive to what others need or desire, through their phlegmatic aspect. This makes them more than usually susceptible to anxiety and a negative self-image
This temperament combination is highly driven to succeed—not for success’ sake alone, but because their melancholic nature is drawn to high ideals, and their phlegmatic side will have a strong desire to please. Thus, they are capable of long-range planning, organization, and attention to detail that makes them excellent and conscientious scholars. They are capable of pursuing highly idealistic goals, usually with long-term academic requirements, such as attaining their doctorate. They value their friendships, but can spend many hours alone reading or studying. They may have a tendency to hypochondria or to genuine physical weaknesses, as well as a tendency to timidity and anxiety, especially about new activities or ventures.
One melancholic-phlegmatic we know is highly organized, critical, slow, and dogmatically unforgiving, yet reveals her phlegmatic aspect in her intense discomfort with confrontation (unless she is very at ease among the warring members) and in her strong relationships with her friends. You wouldn’t guess that she is so devoted to her friends, however, because true to her melancholic nature she rarely initiates contact with them – they always have to call her first. A tendency to avoid the stresses of social interaction by spending overmuch time alone—whether in scholarly pursuits or reading for relaxation—is something that melancholic-phlegmatics need to watch out for.

I am not sure what all this means ( though the phlegmatic in m would say that!!) I am becoming aware of how negatively I talk about myself and I am attempting to change that behaviour in myself. It is the spaghetti which is not cooking properly not me that is a bad chef!


According to another test I come out as a INFJ ( on the Jung Typology test)

Idealist Portrait of the Counselor (INFJ)
Counselors have an exceptionally strong desire to contribute to the welfare of others, and find great personal fulfillment interacting with people, nurturing their personal development, guiding them to realize their human potential. Although they are happy working at jobs (such as writing) that require solitude and close attention, Counselors do quite well with individuals or groups of people, provided that the personal interactions are not superficial, and that they find some quiet, private time every now and then to recharge their batteries. Counselors are both kind and positive in their handling of others; they are great listeners and seem naturally interested in helping people with their personal problems. Not usually visible leaders, Counselors prefer to work intensely with those close to them, especially on a one-to-one basis, quietly exerting their influence behind the scenes.

Counselors are scarce, little more than one percent of the population, and can be hard to get to know, since they tend not to share their innermost thoughts or their powerful emotional reactions except with their loved ones. They are highly private people, with an unusually rich, complicated inner life. Friends or colleagues who have known them for years may find sides emerging which come as a surprise. Not that Counselors are flighty or scattered; they value their integrity a great deal, but they have mysterious, intricately woven personalities which sometimes puzzle even them.

Counselors tend to work effectively in organizations. They value staff harmony and make every effort to help an organization run smoothly and pleasantly. They understand and use human systems creatively, and are good at consulting and cooperating with others. As employees or employers, Counselors are concerned with people's feelings and are able to act as a barometer of the feelings within the organization.

Blessed with vivid imaginations, Counselors are often seen as the most poetical of all the types, and in fact they use a lot of poetic imagery in their everyday language. Their great talent for language-both written and spoken-is usually directed toward communicating with people in a personalized way. Counselors are highly intuitive and can recognize another's emotions or intentions - good or evil - even before that person is aware of them. Counselors themselves can seldom tell how they came to read others' feelings so keenly. This extreme sensitivity to others could very well be the basis of the Counselor's remarkable ability to experience a whole array of psychic phenomena.

Mohandas Gandhi, Sidney Poitier, Eleanor Roosevelt, Jane Goodall, Emily Bronte, Sir Alec Guiness, Carl Jung, Mary Baker Eddy, Queen Noor are examples of the Counselor Idealist (INFJ).



AND THEN TODAY"S QUOTE OF THE DAY SAYS:


We are what we believe we are.
C. S. Lewis


Now I am really confused. I mean the phlegmatic in me can't decide what I want to be and the melancholic will be dissatisfied anyway

Does this count as a new year

It is August the first and we are in the middle of Winter. I suppose I figure it could be the equivalent of New Year’s Day. Trouble is with winter comes the deep dark moods, made all the worse by the almost constant rain and a certain despondency about our situation.
I have had to increase my medication to try and ward off the worst of the shadows, shadows which saw me sitting at the lower Nihotupu Dam contemplating the drop.I seem to be spending a lot of time at the doctors as , although I am physically fine, I have an obsessive locum doctor who is adamant I have something serious. Haematuria has led to the possibility of gallstones and kidney disease and a blood test which discounted all those serious conditions has raised the possibility of chronic liver or heart disease. The blood test seems to have suggested I have a higher risk of these rather than any evidence of their presence! But I still need to go and see her at $37 a time!

I am having difficulty figuring out who I am right now. I'm not really a teacher though I feel obliged to take any relief work to make sure they keep employing me. My best friends tend to be teachers, Elaine and Graham, both of whom have experience of mental illness. We can support each other well but there still feel I don't want to burden other people. I benefit from supporting others, listening to their issues and concerns as it makes me feel I am not alone but I still need to be strong which takes it out of me.

I am trying to support everyone at home too which it rather difficult at present. The kids are wonderful and clever and vivacious and doing so well at school, but C seems to need a lot of support. She has so much on, with all the activities and responsibilities she has, but she is still a little girl at the end of the day, without the experience of having been in the school for years. She has struggled this week with expectations this week, particularly with her presentation. I so don't agree with the kiwi obsession with making things look pretty. In England colouring-in was classed as wasted time and content mattered more than how it looked. Anton accused me of being selfish for worrying about pushing her into so many activities and making her stressed. I have helped her with her wallchart and her competition essay, and her colouring inbut now I am not sure whether I have done too much. Anton says it is good for her to make mistakes and be made to do things again but I worry that she feels overwhelmed by all the tasks she needs to do. I probably worry to much but then I am starting to think I am neglecting Reuben. When I am working with Caitlin, he is usually on the computer or the wii or the xbox. I know we are encouraging him to do gym, tennis and now kung fu but I don't want him spending so much time in a digital world.

Choice

Anton used an interesting word last night 'Choice'. He was doing some extras work for Background talent and had been out from 7 am. It was now 6pm and he was ringing me to say that there was no end in sight to the days filming. 'I'm sorry he said but I have no choice really!'.

It turned out that the fact that he was earning money meant he had no choice but to take the job, on a national holiday, rather than spending the time with his children. When he rang at 9pm to say he would away till at least midnight and could I give the kids a cuddle, he added 'tell Caitlin I am sorry but I have no choice". I found myself saying that I couldn't explain that one to a ten year, even one as grown up as C, because he DID have a choice. He could say no! C, by this time was a little upset that she could not say good night to her dad. She left him a note on her new wipe board which read 'I know it is dark but I want you to know I love you'.

Last week she asked him why he was choosing to play music rather than spend time with her and Roo. His answer was that he has interests too! Needless to say she was upset by this and told me about it a few days later. Ant explained when I asked him about it that he had already played netball with her and what more does she want. In a few short years she will not choose to spend time with her dad; I think he needs to appreciate that fact a little more.

Frankly he only gets to choose to these things because I let him. Or rather I have to look after the kids as he chooses to go out. And my choice therefore is, do we stay in or do we go out? I hit rock bottom at the weekend, owing to neglecting the drugs I think, but I am also aware of feeling angry, undervalued and so lacking in self confidence it is untrue.

I think I feel that I has established myself fairly well in the Uk before we left and I am having to start from scratch. Elleray was OK but I had got the opportunity to work at St Martins'. In fact there was a job opening for me. Did I choose to give that up? Strikes me that the last few moves we have done have been detrimental to my way of life. There is nothing wrong with being a mum, you understand, it is just that I am not sure exactly what I want now. Being a mum is great but as the great Edmina Curry said ' I didn't get this education to clean toilets!' I have spent the last hour cleaning up diarrhoea caused by a teething dog, successfully I might add but I now feel guilty because I am writing this and not cleaning something else. I feel that there should be some obvious sign that I have spent the day fruitfully, but if the house isn't clean or I haven't earned money then it is not important.

I don't want to be 'one of the mums'. Playing footie is cool and coaching the netball is fun ( when will we start winning I wonder?) and I love helping the kids with whatever they have to do. I am just not sure where I am. Is this a midlife crisis? I mean I have supposedly achieved a lot over the last 40 years...Oxford, W&L, successful teacher, marathon runner, great kids, parachute jump, ICT stuff, being creative, moving to the Lakes and here. Yet here seems to be rather aimless. I am conscious of putting on weight, because I am so angry and sad; I'm not exercising... I can't imagine running to the post box let alone a marathon right now. Where did my motivation go? Why do I feel so lost?

I have just bought a book ( Don't tell Ant as books are expensive over here). It is entitled 'short, fat chick to marathon runner'. It's about a radio presenter who gets sponsored to do the Auckland Marathon and her 'journey'. It is rather inspiring,largely coz she had just turned 40 and I KNOW HOW SHE FEELS! But do I want it enough to choose to do something for me?


I have a doctors appointment on Thursday after school, a follow up to the ultrasound scan. I'll have to take since I have no idea how long it will take and Ant is working...or rather he is taking the day off to do a commercial. He decided to say 'yes' to that role a few days after I asked him if he could come home early, or meet me at the hospital at 5.30 so that he could look after the kids. He said he couldn't. I figured 'ah well' until I mentioned it to a friend who went spare. Health versus money? He says he shows his devotion to me by letting me have the dog. I think I 'd rather he held my hand at the hospital but still!

I know I am down,or I wouldn't be writing on THIS blog. I know I'll feel better tomorrow ( maybe) but I also know that this feeling of anger and frustration isn't going away. Maybe if I try to run it will help me feel better. I am aware I have been neglecting my strategies but then someone has to cook tea, take the kids to tennis, walk the dog ( don't mind that one), make sure his trousers are ironed...

Work in progress

This is a short note which will be fleshed out later

I have to go and see a specialist about my haematuria. The ultrasound was clear, no gallstones or kidney stones but the doctor is still concerned. As the ultrasound showed nothing I am now a little worried by what it might be.

Had a nice day at Julia's, supposed to be just for morning tea but stayed for lunch.

Donna came to pick up Ruby from a sleepover with C and saw some suspicious men driving away from Ginny's. We went to investigate and found the place burgled.

Still the usual worries about money, though A has arranged to take me out for dinner on Saturday. I think we need some us time!

Feeling overwhelmed

We are trying to keep everything together today. Had a bit of a meltdown, over camping equipment, bit embarrassing really. I think Ant realised how difficult we were all finding things lately, him not talking to us, moaning about money then spending thousands, not joining in with the family, never reading the bedtime story. We all had a good cry, in the middle of a camping shop, which confused the hell out of the assistant who thought it was her fault.

Silly thing was I had no intention of spending thousands on stuff for the girls camping trip. Trade me is good but because he doesn't talk to me he didn't realise I am good at doing things on the cheap. He finally said that his illness took more out of him than he is ready to admit and that worrying about money is his default setting ( my words). The last two times we have been shopping, he left his wallet at home so I had to physically pay for everything.

Anyway, today is another day and I have found lots of free things to do, if only to make a point! Titirangi music festival is on and there are bands playing in the street. I am sure we can afford the price of a coffee!

Here are some pictures to cheer everyone up.

Not such a good week

This week is proving difficult. I am feeling a bit lost and down. I think the problem is that I can see how many jobs there are around here that need doing and I just get overwhelmed. It's a head thing. There seem to be too many obstacles too..Ant bought a 'cheap' step ladder which won't reach to the top of C's wall so I got already to achieve something and then couldn't. The cleaning just seems endless, so does the washing and it takes forever if I need to get something from the shops. Not being organised and living in the back of beyond has taken its toll this week...at least Molly is sleeping so I can't blame her.
Ant is down too though won't say why. Even when he's home I hardly see him, he's always on the computer doing cookie stuff or writing his book...none of which is making him happy. And if he says 'well I go to work!'once more I think I will hit him!

Hopefully the weekend will help. The rest of the family has said they will cook on Saturdays...remains to be seen! We need to make more plans to do stuff otherwise the time just drifts and we end up doing very little.

New Zealand isn't feeling so idyllic today, inspite of the sunshine!

Photos

It's easier to update this blog than the family one

So I have Molly lying on my lap having been in her crate from 11pm til 6.30 am. Not coz she slept through the night you understand but because I LOCKED HER IN HER CRATE WITH A DUVET OVER IT IN THE ROOM FURTHEST AWAY FROM ME !!! I was exhausted last night and desperately in need of sleep!

She is the most adorable puppy I think I have ever met, which is odd considering I had discounted her when we went to visit the litter. She is very cuddlesome, follows me round the house, charms everyone ( except maybe Anton) and gives lovely spaniel kisses. I just wish she would not want to play at 3am.

I can't wait til the day she can go out for a walk. April 5th I think is W Day as she will have had her last vaccination. C and I are going on a mum and daughters' tramping weekend so I hope Roo will enjoy his privileged position and take her out!

It looks like the cookie business might actually amount to something. The oven is working ( well) and Shaun, who is on the Board of Trustees at school and organises trail runs, has invited Anton to provide cookies for the next one, in Henderson, on April 13th ( about 400 cookies). I do so hope this works out. Ant has been very down lately, especially over work, though I am sure jet lag has something to do with it. He seems to think that he SHOULD have a job to match his lifestyle, although I pointed out that most kiwis work so they can enjoy the lifestyle, they don't necessarily work on something that is part of it ( does that make sense?). I do hope he won't be disappointed. I think the cookies could be physically harder than his current job. You can, after all, only make so many cookies in a given time...sleepless nights anyone?

Having a puppy is good for my lifestyle though. Getting up early means I can get my emailling done before everyone else gets up and cuddle time is good for reading. I have just finished " The Tenderness of Wolves' that book set in Canada, written by someone who never left the British library. Frankly you don't need to visit a snowy wasteland to be able to write about it. It felt a bit like 'Brokeback Mountain' meets' Call of the Wild', but with too many characters. Easy to read however but I didn't find myself caring for any of the characters.

I have also read 'The concise Chinese English dictionary for Lovers' which was excellent! It takes the form of a notebook written by a Chinese girl who comes to England to attend an English Language college. It is written in deliberately poor english which improves as the story develops. It alleges to be about the misunderstandings and misconceptions of two cultures, but could as easily be about sexes, ages, or outlooks. Just lovely.

Ant is writing a book ( another lifestyle choice). It's rather good so far!

It seems we have slipped into very stereotypical roles. He the breadwinner, me the mom. I was starting to resent all the jobs I have to do, especially when he suggests another task like doing the paperwork ( the Admin) or mowing the lawn. The kids have been arguing about who does which jobs and most often so we were going to keep a record. Maybe we should all do that and see where the balance lies. I think I have problems with having to remind people to do their tasks, like watering the plants. It takes as much effort to remember as it does to do the bloody thing so I sometimes think I should just do it myself...but then what would be the point in that? At least the dog makes me stop occasionally, and just sit. A lot like having a baby really!

Newly read

Emotionally Weird by Kate Atkinson:
A mother and daughter sit in a house on a Scottish Island recounting interesting times. Nora, the mother ( or is she) explains about Effie's ancestors whilst Effie describes her time at Dundee University on an English course. It is interspersed with snippets of the creative writing produced by the students, asides from Nora and a gamut of interesting characters- the dotty professor, the anarchic family, a private detective, a yellow dog and the inhabitants of a commune.
I have read this twice and I am not entirely sure I get it. It doesn't feel as well written as her other books- Behind the scenes at the museum and Case Histories ( which I really like).

Life on the Refrigerator Door by Alice Kuipers: a series of post it notes etc left on the refrigerator as a conversation between a mum and her 15 year old daughter during a particularly difficult few months. I bought it for Caitlin and it's no surprise she was affected by it. It is slightly grown up for her and outlines the selfishness of both characters, though for majorly different reasons. I read it in about an hour and was very moved by it!

I am currently reading a weighty tome called Underworld by Don De Lillo from the 1001 books list. It is huge but beautifully written so is hardly arduous, although I can't exactly carry it around with me in my back pocket. I feel I ought to make a brief note on each chapter so I don't lose the thread and so I can remember more of the plot when I'm tired.

I now have two weeks' work starting Monday so no time off! Ho hum

Casino Royale

First new book from the 1001.

Figured I'd pick a short one so I could get the score up to 74. I am aiming for 100 before I reconsider this as a bad idea. Next comes DeLillo and Auster.

Casino Royale was an interesting read, very much of its time. Bond is a misogynist dinosaur ( as quoth M to Pierce Brosnan) of the 1940's. Vesper comes across as she did in the film and the torture scene was horrifying, even more so than the film. Is it a good idea to read a book after you've seen the film? Made it easier to concentrate on the character nuances and the paucity of language.

C is reading Northern Lights ( after she saw the film). She is comparing it to the film and the film is losing!

Books

I have another blog, entitled the Library of my Life, which was intended as a review of books I had read, as when I am in a hyper or dark mood, I tend to struggle to read or forget what I've written. A sort of aide memoire I guess. I haven't been very good at keeping it up. If two blogs are hard to do, three are impossible. So I think I shall amalgamate it into this blog, since it is integral to my life as a Manic.

I found another blog entitled 'So many books, so little time". The blogger/bloggerine/bloggette gets involved in lots of reading challenges and posts lots of lists, like the 1000 books you must read in your lifetime.
I just found her marking scheme ( out of 10) which I loved.

10 One of the best, worth adding to my permanent collection
9 Compelling, wonderful, should force strangers to read this
8 Very good, happy I read it
7 Quite good actually
6 Okay plus, good, but not so remarkable
5 Okay, pleasant enough but entirely forgettable
4 I read this under duress or a sense of obligation to the group
3 Why did I bother?
2 I read this only due to lack of nearby cereal boxes
1 Painful, but continued reading anyway
0 Despicable, vile; continued reading to burn off purgatory time
(Created by Jan T.)

I think I'll stick some more lists on the sidebar, just so I can remember to read or feel inspired.

At present life is pretty good. The sun is shining, the washing is dry, the drugs seem to be working and the children are quiet (friends round and no arguments). We have had visitors from the UK ( Claire and Graham) and it was lovely to share our bit of paradise with them. They have been touring the country for two months and are about to fly back to Blighty, poor things. I sometimes fear having people around when my head is off but they are so easy to talk to and relaxed with a silence.

Perhaps I should add a currently reading to the blog too, for more inspiration?

Happy New Year!!!! 2008

It's difficult to keep up two blogs. I have a moral obligation to write the family one- antandjo.blogspot.com- as all the family read it and are desperate for information and pictures of the kids. I have tried getting the rest of the family to do it but it requires motivation, not something an eight year old has for anything that does not involve a trampoline or a computer game.

Trouble is I can't be honest on the family blog. If I feel shit I have to write that everything is fab otherwise the parents will fret. Christmas has been far from easy, although enjoyable for the most part. My head has been off the lines and Ant says he saw it coming but didn't do or say anything so I sort of blame him for my meltdown. He's just spent thousands on a jetski which at best can cater for two of the family and can't understand why I'm not enthusiastic. We could have bought 10 kayaks for the same price! He winges when I buy a coffee and then splurges!

He hates his job, wants to jack it all and bake cookies ( a la Ben) and then what? I guess I feel that he has let us down. He brought us here, with promises... a trampoline (yes), a spa pool ( yes), a great house ( yes), family time ( hm), a baby ( a big no), a dog ( probably a no). We are having to deal with him being unhappy and not be able to feel frustrated because if you do he hits back. Maybe I am just finding being 'just a mum' less than fulfilling, but I don't seem to stop. This is the first minute I have had to myself for about a week and I'll be in trouble for spending too long on the net, when I should be in bed.

The kids and I are enjoying our holiday. We have our roles, they empty the dishwasher while I hang out washing, then we play, shop, go to the beach, have an adventure, play with the cats, water the plants.

Ant seems jealous of my situation, having made friends with a few of the moms, but it's difficult starting again. I miss having people around who know when I'm starting to gabble and can just say 'stop', who don't expect too much of me, who know they have to ring me, because I could be having a bad day. I miss the possibility of seeing people I love, however fleetingly. Email is fine but I wish some one would just walk through the door and say 'hey'.

I wish my life was as simple as the kittens. They are curled up beside me at midnight, grooming each other, or could that be play fighting. They eat, sleep, purr, run, poop and look cute.

Oh yeah my new year's resolution...to weigh less than a dog! Storm is a big dog ( Newfoundland) but I need to weigh less than her. Well it's good to have an aim.

Been sitting watching the Big Chill as I have been ironing and blogging. Perhaps it struck a nerve or perhaps I chose to watch it for familiar reasons.

Ahhh Internet addiction

23

Looking for payday loan?

So very nearly a class full then!!

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Three months and counting

We have been in NZ now for exactly three months. We touched down in Auckland at 6am September 16th and it is now 7pm December 16th.

Such a lot has happened: in short. Two weeks spent living in a tiny apartment in Torbay, dealing with jetlag, ants and house hunting. We thought we had found the perfect place ( a beautiful villa in Deidre Place in Laingholm) but the building report put us off. The next place we liked the building inspector didn't even bother to look at it as he knew the place and said 'walk away!'. Just as well as we have found a slice of heaven. Two weeks ago we moved into a six bedroomed ( room for visitors) brick and tile gem in a place called Parau, close to the kids' school, next to a beach and tennis courts, down a peaceful little road....


So the story so far. We looked at nearly 60 houses, maybe more until we found this one and even then it was fraught with problems. The council here has to agree everything in triplicate before you can even think about changing anything in a house. Think planning permission but for knocking in a nail or straightening a picture. Suffice it to say quite a bit of this house is 'illegal' but when you are in love you overlook such things.



Looking back the first two weeks were very stressful and we tried to do too much, finding houses, cars, our way around. We fell on our feet with regards to accommodation. The house we were warned off is owned by a lovely girl called Rachel and she lives there with her two toddlers, Chloe (1) and Ben ( a very loud 2). she'd bought the house with another couple four months previously but they'd moved out just before the birth of their second child and because their first and Ben didn't get on. They needed some way of covering the mortgage and Rachel suggested that we move in. Although far from ideal, we had a roof over our heads.

I am convinced the house had sick building syndrome. Everyone was ill, including Reuben! It was probably due to damp and to a lack of a good night's sleep!

On the plus side, we found the children a delightful school, Laingholm Primary- The greatest little school in the Universe, run by a head who understands that school should be fun and by an incredibly dedicated staff. Caitlin has the remarkable Miss W ( Wolstenholme) whilst Roo is with the very young Miss Guertz. Both have found their feet quickly- especially Caitlin and both have made some very good friends! I have been doing a bit of relief work there. I'm known as Mrs A and apparantly I'm 'cool!" I think that means a pushover though Room 14, the class from hell, have grown on me over the weeks!



The high spots of our first three months ( I use the term loosely)

The burglary; I met three strapping men coming out of our shared house, with Rachel's tv in the back of their car. I'm not sure what came over me but I tried to block them in the drive with my car but I got myself rather man handled and they managed to push my car out of the way. We reckon they'd only been in the house for five minutes and only took a tv a dvd player and probably one of our ds's ( we may have just misplaced it). The police came, the helicopter came out, the SOCO arrived three days later(!!!!), we all had to be fingerprinted ( in the cells) and I had to look at mug shots. Exciting really but a bit time concuming and no conclusion yet.

New cars! I have a blue RAV4 and Ant has a white Toyota MRS ( old ones but hey). He needed a boy toy for the many miles he was going to be travelling every day.





The thermal pools at Waiwera. Fantastic hot thermal pool resort, just the thing for over coming jetlag, including a pool with a cinema screen. Child Heaven!

Anton starting work; His first day was spent drumming and walking in the bush ( team building) His second day started with a formal Maori ceremony where we passed him over to the care of his workplace. Lots of nose rubbing and Maori chanting. Sadly work hasn't quite lived up to his expectations.

Reuben mastering the monkey bars in the school playground.

Roo never wearing any shoes

Caitlin getting to the final of the school speech competition with an oratory on 'Books'! And the semis of the geeral knowledge when most of the questions were on New Zealand

Both of them being fantastic tennis players, and making huge progress in their tennis lessons!


Guy Fawkes night in the rain



Rotorua; Ant was at a conference so we spent the previous weekend there. Hot springs and geysers in the middle of a city centre park. Phemonenal pools of sulphur, the smell of rotten eggs and one of the best brunches in the world (At the Fat dog cafe).

Going to the Netball world Cup competition at our local stadium, and meeting the English Team and getting C's ball signed.



Kitting out Roo's bedroom for under $150 dollars using Trademe ( like eBay).

Finding furniture from unlikely sources ( garage sales, Sally Army). Caitlin's Mackintosh chair is a major find.

The new spa, trampoline and barbeque...well why else are we here!



Ladies football at Laingholm on Tuesday nights. All that time spent watching John Terry was not in vain.

The container arriving and having all our stuff around us, after three months of living out of suitcases.

Putting up the Christmas tree after spending the day on the beach at Whatipu.


Watching Gok on Friday nights.

Caitlin being addicted to Shortland Street!

Still hanging on at the end of the earth

At last i find almost real broadband in New Zealand, but am too tired to write, Ho hum

Heathrow

It seems like an eternity since I last blogged. So much has happened but then so little that I need or choose to write about. OUr home is in a crate somewhere on a boat. The rest of my life is in 8 suitcases and four pieces of hand luggage somewhere in Heathrow airport. We have one and three quarter hours till we fly out to our new life. The kids have gone in search of food and I am becoming increasingly hot...too young for the menopause surely, especially as the kids want a kiwi brother or sister!

Auckland awaits

An empty house ( almost)

I am very impressed with packers.

Two men ( well a man and a Man U supporter) arrived at 11.30 left at 4.30 and had packed nearly our entire lives into boxes. We still have one bed ( going to the tip) a table and chairs, kettle and toaster, cutlery and our mess! Phew!

We are all feeling a little shell shocked! Roo is very clingy, Caitlin is being a little adult and I have had a little weep whilst writing good luck cards for school.

It feels like quite a relief seeing everything boxed, like we are organised...trouble is there are still cases to sort out. We have five filled and two half filled. In fact one of them is enroute to Oxford with mum in law, what's the betting we forget that one!

We are all exhausted. Chippie and video tonight I think

Full on.

Since 9.00 this morning we hve been packing, tidying, dismantling, tipping, dumping, dusting, cleaning and more. I am exhausted but there is still so much to do. I'm off to pack my hand luggage just so it is all in one place.

Tra la la

Heart pounding

We have been out to the Mintfest Art festival tonight, a rather random melange of strret theatre, performance hair dressing and naked frenchmen syphoning red wine through their...

We weren't supposed to be going, still lots to do, but Ant had arranged to see Enda ( who has bought our car). Turns out they weren't in so we wandered aimlessly through Kendal on the off chance. I found the whole thing very frustrating. Today has been fairly aimless indeed. I did get a haircut and some space and C went and bought crocs with Granny, and Roo had a lunch date with mates. I did manage to fill 6 bin bags but even so. There is still so much to do, I can't decide if we should be taking more or less stuff. I have no idea how much sorting I should have done, or how much will just be packed. I have never had my house packed before so I don't know quite what I'm facing.

I am feeling very tense...of course Ant just says my head has gone but then I am feeling very out of control. I just want to escape tonight, to walk out and leave him to it. I am convinced that stuff wil be crated that we need to take with us and we'll end up with eight huge cases full, even with all my throwing out.

Ant seems to be thinking purely in terms of money; every penny counts. He's ruing my not letting him have a house sale but then I didn't feel we were organised enough. And we still aren't!

Big Brother

So Brian won BB! Richly deserved!

I am really not sure how I am going to cope with the next few weks. There are so many goodbyes to say. I have said so long to some school colleagues/friends and that was hard. What will it be like with my family?

We are getting to the end of the road packing wise but I still can't believe how much stuff there is in our house.

Feeling weepy

p.s. Moji is back off his holiday

Tuesday

V tired tonight. 2 hours of ironing with the US Open. Spent p.m trying to sort out the playroom. Have shredded everything fom the filing cabinet and have cancelled loads of direct debits, storecards and the TV licence.

Successful ebay campaign this week, raised over £50 and still a day to run!

When Oh when will we be ready for this move? We fly out on the 14th, complete on the house on the 7th and pack up on the 3rd.AAAAAAAAAaaaaaarrrrrggggghhhhhhhh!


Am reading excessively to take mind off everything.Just finished Double Fault by Lionel Shriver. I loved the fact that the two main characters were so unlikeable but so well developed. Not sure about the ending, rather abrupt but overall a book I needed to finish.

My moji has disappeared

I think my moji is having a nervous breakdown. He has disappeared for the last few days.

Fraught is a good word; so are stressed, panicky, procrastinating, ill, worried, nervous, anxious, pissed off, responsible, etc etc

I am not sure if I am ill or if I am having an allergic reaction to dust or hayfever; either way I feel awful.

One lesson I have learned is about consumption. We are getting rid of so much stuff that, at some point, we must have felt we needed. It has been so refreshing seeing spaces appearing in our house. They have stopped being holes and are becoming free space. It is cleansing to be able to say 'I don't need this'. I am definitely going to be careful about what I buy in the future. And use freecycle a whole lot more.
We are less concerned about what the house looks like now. It is a complete tip so that is probably adding to the sense of helplessness. No tidying up is being done, so there is no clear tidy free space in which to escape. The front room is full of suitcases, the back room is full of 'god knows what!', the kitchen is a bombsite and the playroom, well, looks the same as it always does just more mess and fewer objects.

Fingers crossed for a good return on eBay

OMG the flights are booked

We fly out of Heathrow on Friday 14th September 2007, via LAX, landing in Auckland on Sunday morning.

The panic attacks and sleepless nights have started already. I am just glad the World athletics championships are on overnight. Makes it all bearable.

Holes!

There are holes appearing all over our house! There is a computer sized hole, a freezer shaped hole, a wedding dress size hole ( someone got a bargain £1.20!!!!!!!) and now a rat sized hole.
Anton was rather sad to see the dress go! There was a wistful look in his eyes when I took it down to post. Ahhhhh!
I was rather more upset about the rat. No he hasn't died. Yoda has gone to a new home. I emailed Alan, the man who offered to have the boys when he came out of hospital. Turns out he hasn't actually had his op ( too fat and on too many meds) so is living life to the full. He's just got two cats and now a rat. He'd been round a few times, but we were never in.But I'm glad he was so eager to have 'my boy'. His son managed to drop the cage on his way out. Luckily Yoda was in his floodlight box at the time so I only had to sweep sawdust off the floor not bits of rat!
I had a little weep after he left. We used to do my planning together with him on the table. I'm sure he was my inspiration some days. Still, this is better than the alternative!
Retail therapy helped today. Lots of t shirts, a new pair of crocs, and lots of books for the family to share: The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas, The Magician's Guild, Trilogy, Just in Case, Wolf Brother and Attica. We have been reading The Talent Thief most nights and really enjoying the closeness, cuddles and indeed the story. I used the vouchers I got from school to buy them as a) books are expensive in NZ so we felt we should stock up and b) it seemed like a good 'family' thing to do! I still have loads of books to read from the last few months so I didn't need any more and it made the kids feel that they had something familiar to look forward to.
We are inches from exchange of contracts, then we can book flights. We are planning to fly via LA as we can take twice as much luggage (46 versus 23kgs). There is hassle with US immigration, unloading cases and reloading again but heck we can take so much more!

Where do I start?

It has been a very strange and eventful few days.
Following my little mood swing, I felt awful. I woke up on Wednesday with distinctly flu like symptoms, so I stayed in bed till lunchtime. Ant took the kids to my mums (to deliver a computer and a freezer) and to play badminton and all I knew was when Roo came to see me and told me he had had lots of biscuits at mums.
Mum appeared about 1.30 to bring me some flowers and to pick up the freezer keys which had ended up in my pocket. Then she dropped the bombshell. She had run over my dad in her car when she was backing it out of the garage to make room for Ant's car and the freezer. Dad landed on the pavement, apparantly having been bumped by the end of the car. I did my best Doctor Who Xmas impression 'WHAT! What? WHat!'. She'd brought him out in the car with her to see me but he stayed in the car, muttering about how she had done it before and how it didn't hurt as much as last time! So not true!

At three o'clock I took Yoda and Bam Bam to the vets. Yoda has a full bill of health, his patchy fur being a natural curse of being a curly rex. Bam Bam, on the other hand, has become bald because, wait for it, he is allergic to fleas inspite of not having any evidence of any and he has a few harvest mites. These are the latest thing in the cat world. So the scrawny thing needed steroids and lots of 'Frontline'. £60 pounds later!!! I have told mum she'll have to have him since no one else will look at a cat with no fur! She is not happy.

So when I rang her to tell her the cat news, she says 'I'm taking your dad to A&E. He is in so much pain and can't walk!" Needless to say, I went over, not thinking for a second about giving my flu to anyone else. It took a good half an hour to get him in the car and then we needed a wheel chair to get him into the hospital. Everyone thought he had broken his hip and mother was wracked with guilt. She felt so responsible, so anxious and so out of control. I needed to be the calm one. Dad was of course out of it. He had no idea what had happened, kept saying 'how long have I had this? It happened last week!".
Luckily the x ray came back very quickly. No bones broken so they couldn't wait to get him out of there. They gave him a zimmer frame and helped us get him into the car and that was it. I am no professional but surely an elderly man who has had a serious fall needs observation, even if he is a pain with Alzheimers! We got him home eventually and two days later he is able to get down stairs and is comfortable. He still has no idea what happened- just as well- and has been hallucinating because of the Codeine he's been taking but at least he is nearly back to NORMAL!!!!!

This post could become "War and Peace ' so I'll write part two later!

Day Four

So four days after a drinking session, I have this mood swing, so today was the day. My mood hasn't been too outlandish, although I did snap at C when she was desperate for me to play 'Phoenix Wright' at 9 o'clock this morning. I have noticed myself getting very snappy with the kids over those games, as though I feel pressured into doing the problem solving stuff when I am not thinking clearly.
Played tennis with the kids. I can see why C has friendship troubles. If she doesn't get her own way, she mopes. She really didn't like it that for five minutes Ant and I wanted to hit the ball really hard. Arghhhhh!
We did talk about it later, when we had to sit in the cafe before karate. Lost keys- another arggghhhh! We both agreed that we can sort of reinvent ourselves when we move. I explained about saying 'yes' to suggestions rather than 'no'. She feels people regard her as being very clever and she has to live up to it, which is true. She is bright but others can take advantage of that, asking her to do something, like write a play, and then pulling it apart when they don't like it! The NZ curriculum seems to set great store on collaborative learning and practical problem solving so we have talked about compromise, agreeing and then amending ideas. People tend to be willing to adapt an idea rather than being told to change it completely.
I had an hour to myself today, over coffee, so I didn't kill anyone. But I then spent three hours sorting out my desktop computer so that mum can have it. I don't think it's ever worked so well. Amazing what happens when you take off lots of academic software, oh yeah and renewed its virus protect! For some reason she didn't seem overjoyed to hear I was taking it over. Really not sure it was worth the effort, but that's how the mood is!
Felt I had taken on too much ( or rather was the only one to do the stuff) when I was trying to clear up the pooter, cook tea, iron karate suits and sort out appointments for the pets at the vets. Better get them sorted before I go to the doctors obviously!
Anton has bought lots of windsurfing stuff from a guy up on Kendal Green. Should have bid on eBay but did it privately. I reckon he could have got them for £20 but he spent £175. One born every...!

Hung over

Made a fatal decision to drink last night. Justine, Tony and the kids came over for a Caitlin organised party. It's just as well she arranged it as we'd never get around to socialising. Everyone seems to be going on holiday this week so we can have time to clear up a bit more. I have filled few more boxes. My sister and god daughters finally came over yesterday and raided the book shelves and pictures. I did get some money out of Jacce for our pharoah picture. I refused to give it her for nothing. I was more than happy for Rachel to have loads of pictures as I know she will appreciate them.

We have all been very tired today, a late night has been had by all. I even slept through the Chelsea Liverpool draw. Had a wonderful time watching the Manchester derby. God old City. And Durham won the one day final. Paul Collingwood should go to the top of the faves list again.

The kids traded in some DS games and bought me 'Phoenix Wright-Ace Attorney'. Good for the little grey cells, though not with a hang over, or when C does bits without me!

Roo has been playing 'age of mythology' and has decided he wants to be a Historian- god help him.

P.S Yoda is looking very sad!

A strange day

Perhaps the death of Grievous set the tone for the day but I have a tremendous sense of a lack of achievement so hopefully writing this will focus my mind.

The kids went to Enda's today with Ant asking me what I planned to do with my day. I had no idea but there was a vague suggestion of organising something. After breakfast I spent time blog hopping but eventually aimed for the playroom, to cuddle Yoda and empty a shelf or two.

I did fill a bin bag and a box for the charity shop but I felt I had made more mess than when I started. I did manage to get my sewing stuff into one place, though not in any order. That will come later. The trouble was I was sorting out the shelves that had teaching stuff on it. Now, admittedly, some of it was very old and outdated but I still felt odd adding stuff to the discard pile. I felt I was resigning myself to a lack of identity. I have no problem with my role as mum but it feels strange to be ridding myself of the trappings of my profession. I don't know whether to keep what seems to be the most important files just in case I need them when/if I choose to teach again or be totally ruthless with myself and assume the NZ system has no need of British resources.

I also managed to get all our NZ documents in one place so that says something!

We took a group trip to see the Simpson movie. It was, as expected, just a longer episode with fewer jokes but the boys ( 8 year olds) loved it.

The rat had a very formal funeral service, once we had got over the trauma of trying to dig a hole big enough to take the box. Roots and rocks made life difficult. We said a few words over the 'site' and Caitlin left a flower to mark the spot.

I also put my wedding dress on eBay. There must be major psychological value in that.

So you see it seems that I have achieved somethings today just lots of little things. My mind seems to be in one of its wandering modes. If I don't focus, or if I try to handle jobs ( like the playroom) with lots of potential, I can get overwhelmed and meltdown. Making sure I only tidied the room for one hour and filled one bag of crap meant I had an end point. But I had to make myself stop. The Simpsons trip helped with that.

Is there a rodent heaven?

Sadly the news early today is of the death of Grievous the Rat. Following about a fortnight of laboured breathing, or possibly overfeeding, he was found lying in the bottom of the cage. At least he wasn't curled up in quite the same way as Lily. That means I can't rib Roo in the same way that I do Caitlin!
The funeral will be held this afternoon, followed by a brief wake ( of Toad in the Hole). I shall spend the day comforting Yoda, and tidying the playroom.

A flirtacious moji, how cute!

Still feeling very tired. Can't put my finger on it though. I am yawning constantly, aching all over and yet my heart is racing. Stress maybe? Can't think what I can be stressed about????

Today was a momentous occasion. The children finally went swimming on their own. OK I had to sit at the side but I did get to sew and I didn't have to get wet. What bliss.

Had a great family game of 'Pass the Pigs', or rather Kasta Gris ( the Swedish version). Roo was a very poor loser. He really can't get the concept of 'luck'!

Caitlin made a fantastic sweet and sour stir fry tonight. Roo, as usual, refused to eat it, even smothered in ketchup.

NZ countdown...we sorted out the dvds and cds and xbox games. The children have yet to work out that these will be going in the container so will be absent for ten weeks or so...tee hee.

We need to sit down and work on our checklist but we have't managed to write one yet. When I ask Ant what he wants to include on this list he says things like 'which clothes we are taking!" Hm the kids and I have already done that! Which furniture we are taking? Well he keeps giving away the stuff I thought we were taking!


We seem to be having a bit of a family threesome going at the mo. Ant does his own thing, usually looking at houses on the internet, whilst we go swimming, play games, and read our latest family book. This week it's the Talent Thief by Alex Williams. It's interesting spotting how my mood affects how I read. Sometimes it is great to have something to concentrate on and other times, like tonight I can hardly get my words out straight. One character grizzled a wrestly bear today. Hm, Spooner reborn!

Has normal transmission resumed?

The moji has had a nervous breakdown; happy, nervous, anxious, angry all from one blog entry!

Having spent a sun filled few days in a field in Oxfordshire, not to mention a slightly alcohol fuelled one, I am slightly exhausted ( is that possible?) and snappy, which is probably why today is the first I've chosen to blog. We have spent the afternoon on the sofa because Caitlin has been having multiple meltdowns and I have not been very sympathetic. Johnny Depp cheered us all up. Anton has taken them to Nanny's and to karate since I feel so awful and really can't face dad today.


Cropredy was great, certainly better than expected. The sun shone for three days, the beer flowed, the kids spent the whole time up in the children's area with the clowns ( who gave me the creeps) and there were loads of papers to read. I didn't get to run along the canal path, since at 8 in the morning it was too hot! It was a good year musically, nearly as good as two years ago. I'm not sure why Jools Holland was playing at a folk festival but the set was excellent. There were lots of young folk acts which Ant loved and as usual Richard Digance was ace. I think I must be getting really old, though he is a throwback to my youth!

There was a different feeling this year. There were twenty thousand people there which led to tailbacks ( a two hour wait to get into the village), longer queues for everything, less space in the camping fields and in the festival field and a certain degree of tension. There seemed to be more groups of people, especially young people, whose main objective was to drink constantly without the laidback attitude that usually accompanies Fairport.

It was different for us too. We had a brand new tent, a 'mansion' in Roo's eyes, complete with a chandelier in the ballroom. Luxury camping for a change! And we were not alone. Al had persuaded her new man to come along. Ant is rather concerned ( too concerned?) that he isn't good enough for her; too grown up, slightly boring, smokes ( C is up in arms). Ant feels she deserves someone fun, who is as passionate as she is! I did have to tell him to tone down the flirting mind you!

Roo was a star of the weekend. He has decided that trying to be a jack of all trades is not his mien. So he WILL be good on the drums and his circus skill will be the 'stick'. The clown who was iteaching the 'stick' gave him so much praise. He was specifically asked to go in the talent show ( and won a snake). C of course was pissed off because she so wanted to go in the show, and did eventually but didn't do well enough in her eyes. It is going to be so hard for her. Roo is a natural, at the things he wants to do, and will outshine her. I wish I knew what to do to help.

On the way home we got caught up in the M40 closure. A motorcyclist was shot dead near leamington Spa and the tailbacks were massive. It took us 7 hours to get home rather than the usual 3 1/2!

New Zealand approaches apace. I picked up the passports yesterday, with the visas stuck in. Nine months of effort and we finally have four blue pieces of paper. We also had the surveyor round, with the vendor who happens to be his brother. They are aiming to complete by the 7th of September which would suit us fine. I had lunch with Susannah yesterday and she pointed out that when she comes back off holiday we could be on our way.

We are trying to stay as calm as possible. I did buy a bottle of champagne ( well Jacob's Creek) hopefully not tempting fate, which was very nice, with strawberries. We have so much to organise, we really need to start list writing. I must look out the immigration guide to find a checklist

I wonder if a moji can do f**king pissed off!

I will enjoy seeing what the moji does with this.
I have spent much of the day angry, frustrated, pissed off, murderous, stressed. I have slagged off my hubby in front of the kids (which I try not to do), felt guilty about being a bad mother, tried to be a good daughter to both of my parents and I just feel I am failing everybody. Caitlin is very upset about her weight, mum is upset about dad, Roo is exhausted, Anton couldn't get the kids back in time for karate because he was playing Irish music with Enda and then, instead of getting stuff ready for our camping trip he goes out to play tennis and then, at 11.00, asks why everyone else hasn't packed! I am so FUCKING PISSED OFF WITH HIM!!!!!
He has shown no consideration for anyone else today at all. I know he is ill, but well enough to play tennis etc, but there is a limit to my patience and I think I have reached it. It's 1.14 in the morning and I am angrily writing this having just finished the ironing and my packing. He wants to leave at 8 but I need to get my prescription...that was wrong with him too but then he hadn't bothered to tell me what our actual plans were. I only know we are going to see Aileen because I checked his emails. That's also how I know about his flirtatious emails with Al ( another reason why I'm pissed off). I am feeling so lumpy at the moment and this doesn't help.
I think the canal path at Cropredy might just get a bit of a pounding.

I want to be a BEAGLE!!!!!

You Are a Chihuahua Puppy

Small, high strung, and loyal. You do best in the city with a adults - young kids could crush you!

What Breed of Puppy Are You?

Really?

Who Should Paint You: Gustav Klimt

Sensual and gorgeous, you would inspire an enchanting portrait.. With just enough classic appeal to be hung in any museum!

What Artist Should Paint Your Portrait?

Sunday night

A very boring title but I am in a boring mood. We have just got back from a weekend in Oxford and Hemel with granny and the godparents (competition for the Zimmers perhaps). As usual I found the whole thing a bit stressful. Granny fussed, although I did manage to take the kids to the park on my own, which was lovely. Ivan and Veronica were lovely inspite of his cold. They have offered to come and see us off when we go, which is nice. We went for a lovely walk. Having said that our kids walk well, Roo proceeded to sit down every fifty metres or so. It gained him a new nickname (50m). He then spent the afternoon attacking a punch bag Ivan had at home. I think the godfather was a bit put out that Roo used karate blocks when he was trying to teach him how to box. Ho hum. Roo has spent today flaked out on a sofa or in the car. Poor thing was exhausted.

So we arrived home to a letter from the NZIS stating that in principle we have residency. For some odd reason we have to give them 'accurate details' of our close family and then return our passports to them to get the visas stuck in. Oh and probably pay them even more money! I am kind of surprised that Ant isn't happier, but I guess that as we have no news on the house, he is biding his time. I can't decide whether to get the champagne in or not, tempting fate?

Went to see dad as soon as we got back. He didn't know who I was. Mum asked about the letter ( she's been feeding the pets) and then I had to explain what it meant. Dad cried, as usual, but how do you explain to someone that you are going to live on the other side of the world, when all they know is that they love you?

I think we might be down one rat by tomorrow. Grievous' breathing is laboured. Watch this space.

Carpe diem

Since we lost Vron, it has become more important to 'seize the day'. Everytime I see Mark he says 'make sure you do it, whatever it is because you might not get the chance'. We seem to be doing that a lot lately.

Today we tried paragliding, or rather we tried and I failed. I have to say I much prefer skydiving. There is no time to think when you are charging down a hill, covered in rabbit holes, gorse and thistles, with a heavy pack on your back and a parachute which is trying to rip your back off. Skydiving is so much more intense. There is more of an adrenalin rush and then there is peace.

I did get chance for a short tandem glide because I was the heaviest and Gordi the instructor woudn't risk taking a lighter person in gusty conditions. As it was the ride was short because it suddenly became dangerous when the wind picked up. You know to start worrying when the instructor says ' I'm going to have to concentrate now because...'!


Meanwhile the kids were fantastic. They sat on a gusty mountain ( cumbrian hill) playing together, making up games, practising circus skills, throwing balls for the friendly collie. They didn't moan, gripe, complain or anything. They just waited patiently. I am so proud of them. We took them to the Puzzle museum as a treat. It's such a fabulous place full of holograms, optical illusions and weird stuff. A picture will follow when I have got the lead for Ant's camera.

God I am proud of my children. I've spent so much time with other people's children and my kids are fab! That probably sounds really big headed but they have been so thoughtful, so kind, so beautiful!

Monday

So spent the night in the basement after watching 'In her Shoes', a good ole girly movie, sewing sky and eventually reading a bit more of 'the Memory Keeper's daughter". I wasn't hyper or spaced I just wanted some space to spread out. I think I wrote that already.

It has generally been a successful day. Met Suze for coffee and a brief shop, took the kids to the library which they accepted without a murmer ( all the more book tokens for me to spend on me then), did the dentists with C ( without tears), played tennis in the park and then went to watch Transformers. What a pile of @$£*! Its target audience must be 8 year old boys coz Roo loved it whilst the rest of us were either bored to tears or suffering from a major migraine as a result of the speed. I really wanted to see all the detail of the transformations but the whole thing went by in a blur. It's rather odd feeling empathy for a robotic car though.

C is starting to be a little cruel to her little brother. May have to watch that. There is a fine line between gentle ribbing and upsetting him. I know she is only trying out a new way of communicating but she doesn't have the panache yet.

Ant is back on his meds again, so is difficult to please. He always wants us to go to the courts to play tennis whilst I want to knock about in the park. It always has to be 'done properly'. I just want the kids to have fun and learn a few skills along the way. Why should we have to drive to have fun? I especially want them to be able to have fun on their own together, without us and how will they practice that if we have to chauffeur them to activities.

EPILOGUE: Having read back I am aware of the use of the word 'always'. This could be a sign of a meltdown to come. I do tend to have global thoughts adn I have tried very hard to not use that word too many times. I have said before there is a kernal of truth in the midst of the global statement...

POTFEST

We went to PotFest at Hutton in the Forest today. It's a big event about pottery ( what else?) with lots of potters exhibiting and selling stuff, from vases to tiles, from mugs to garden sculptures. I took the kids last year to the cattle market in Penrith but this was a much better venue, a huge house and gardens and weather to match.

We bought some green stoneware mugs and bowls from my favourite pot man Nick Williams and some very colourful mugs from the brightest stall in the whole place.

It's a really inspiring event. I come home and just want to create something, paint something, sculpt something, sew something. Today I ironed something! Ah well!

I am going to continue with my latest sampler for the boys.

I really want to see if my moji really reflects my mood. He said I was happy earlier when I wasn't but, give him his due, he did change his opinion!

There's one born...

Not having a great time lately. Ant is back on the antibiotics and is soo irritating. He spends every spare minute on the top floor playing the tin whistle and the bodhrum. Caitlin is overtired from a sleepover, Reuben's glued to his DS and the mother in law is up. Delightful though she is, I find it very stressful having her around. She questions everything, why are we leaving stuff behind when we move, why do we don't we sell things on eBay more...hum, can't lift our telly let alone sell it! she is very well meaning but just gets on my nerves.
I have sold a few things on eBay this week. I can't believe a toy snowman sold for £18, major profit as it was a present.



Still feeling very frustrated about everything, we have had a surveyor round but the sale seems to be taking so long. No sign of the visas yet, no plans for the summer, bar from Cropredy ( four days in a wet field- good beer though). I just can't seem to get the rest of the family motivated. I fancied a trip to the local art gallery to do some sketching with the kids only they couldn't be bothered so Ant and I went for a whole half an hour. I didn't rate the watercolours ( Ruskin and Turner) but the modern stuff was excellent. It was a showcase of Abbott Hall's whole catalogue, including Freud, Bridget Riley, Auerbach, Rigo, Spencer and Hockney.

I've started some new sewing projects to try and get my oomph back ( oh god just seen the cricket scores!) A wedding and two baby welcomers should keep me occupied. I'm trying to decide whether I should go to bed or sew all night. I am desperate for some space but Caitlin needs mega attention and if you so much as hesitate she flies off the rails. I don't want to go to bed because I could do with lots of space just to spread out. I know it's mostly stress but it doesn't help to know that. My skin had deteriorated dramatically, which doesn't exactly help my mood, and as for eating...

Tee hee

We won a runner's up prize for our HP costumes. Can't wait to see what we've won!

P.S. We won a copy of 'A guide to Wizards of the World ' by Merlin ( who else?)

A sense of foreboding

Everything seems to be going too well. We have a sale on the house, the visas are due any minute, the last carboot sale got rid of a decent amount of stuff, ebay is going well and yet...

I feel awful. I did think Ihad my 'stress stomach' ache but the usual pain killers are useless and my back is killing me. It must be anxiety but this time there is little I can do about it. Wea re just playing a waiting game and hoping that we won't be hit by the same flooding as the rest of the country. Our river isn't even looking the least bit high (famous last words).

The kids had a sporty day yesterday. We played tennis for an hour and a half. Roo has a fearsome forehand and Caitlin gets the most amazing angles. A few more years and they WILL wipe the floor with uncle Paul! Then Ant took them to the driving range for their first go at golf. They thoroughly enjoyed it. I sloped into town for a coffee. I enjoyed that too. C and I spent the afternoon on the sofa. She never sleeps during the day so we must have worn her out. They then needed to go to Karate for an hour. I think the poor things will need a rest tomorrow ( and the dentists!) We are making a concerted effort with C's weight at the mo. She admits to being a secret eater, which is why i never let her out of my sight. We are eating much more healthily though I spotted a major increase in her milk intake yesterday. Need to watch that one.

Divination rules!

Then, with a bright white flash and a crack, a crystal ball fell on top of his head and he crumpled to the floor and did not move.

"I have more!" shrieked Professor Trelawny from over the banisters, "more for any who want them! Here-"

And with a movement like a tennis serve, she heaved another enormous crystal sphere from her bag, waved her wand through the air, and caused the ball to speed across the hall and smash through a window.

Harry Potter

Started queuing at 22.40
Bought two books at 00.18.
Started reading at 00.45.
Slept 03.00 till 07.00
Finished book at 12.18.

Cried 3 times,
Cheered twice...good ole Neville!



A good editor would have cut most of the middle 200 pages but I wouldn't have missed the annual thrill!

Life on Mars

God do I still feel shit! I spent the morning on the sofa with 'Life on Mars' though I only saw about one out of three episodes as I fell asleep.
Ant was in a foul mood; we had a silent coffee this morning and he is showing no interest in the move, which is driving me up the wall!
Went to see Shrek with the kids after school; not as good as the earlier ones but a nice way to spend a hour or so.
So now I have to sort out their scrapbooks to take to school so their friends can sign them. A late night beckons!

End of term illness strikes

I have felt shit for two days now, I reckon it's the end of term illness that has been delayed by a week! Everything aches and I feel like death ( not literally of course).
As far as Ant is concerned it's just my head that's gone. As always! I am not allowed to be ill.
C performed well at the talent show, although the sound was a little dodgy!

Poetry 2

Deep within that hollow stare,
of our presence they're unaware.
A special life that's fading away,
in spite of things we try to convey.

Memories locked up in their mind,
and there it's kept all confined.
The good times spent long ago,
with all their love they did bestow.

For these moments will live forever,
and our pride in them will endeavor.
Seeing them lying there we know why,
Alzheimer's is called the long good-bye.

Family

Spent the day sewing in C's class, making hand and finger puppets and generally making a nuisance of myself. A.M. they had the lovely Mrs Klijn who was fab and enthusiastic; PM we had the usual teacher who certainly doesn't come across as enthusiastic. Hey ho! One TA and I shared our opinions on C's nemesis...and I thought it was just me who thought she was a cow!

Mum has had a tough time lately. Dad has deteriorated again. He was horrible to her and she nearly walked out. A tearful conversation to me and a call from Anton got her through the night and she managed to get Dad to go to Benson Green for the day. She desperately needed a break from him.

Nearly the whole family went out for dinner tonight, just to Wetherspoons, who coped marvellously with 16 of us. Mum figured that it might be the last time that we could all get together, only Ange was missing, before we wander off or before Dad finally pops his clogs. It was a really nice occasion. The nephews are all so grown up, C loved being with the big girls (21 and 19) and Roo was just Roo! It really cheered Dad up to see us all together. He was quite tearful again and needed many reminders about who we all were. But it was worth it to see Mum happy! She will probably bear the brunt tomorrow but I can take C over to lessen the burden.







We finally heard from the NZIS. My medical has been cleared ( Thank god!) and the rough timescale is now 4 weeks, so mid August when we shall hopefully have a sold house and a blue sticker in our passports. Bring it on!

Poetry One

A blade of grass
by Brian Patten

You ask for a poem.
I offer you a blade of grass.
You say it is not good enough.
You ask for a poem.

I say this blade of grass will do.
It has dressed itself in frost,
It is more immediate
Than any image of my making.

You say it is not a poem,
It is a blade of grass and grass
Is not quite good enough.
I offer you a blade of grass.

You are indignant.
You say it is too easy to offer grass.
It is absurd.
Anyone can offer a blade of grass.

You ask for a poem.
And so I write you a tragedy about
How a blade of grass
Becomes more and more difficult to offer,

And about how as you grow older
A blade of grass
Becomes more difficult to accept.

How good is an achievement?

Only as good as you feel it is?

What do you do when your children both come home with glowing reports? Praise them of course!

But what do you do when your two children bring home said glowing reports and one of them has level 4 in Maths, Reading and Writing whilst the other has level 3b in writing, 4A in reading and 4b in Maths? Priase them on being well ahead of the average for the SATS but remind them that these levels only apply to single tests on a specific day, not how intelligent, smart, thoughtful, caring they are the rest of the time!

My dilemma is this Caitlin scored really well, has a perfect report but she got the 3b in her writing and Reuben got a 4. At year three they don't demarcate the level 4s into abc because frankly they don't expect year three to get level 4.

So Caitlin bursts into tears and is wandering around as though she has just failed everything, whilst Roo is just playing on his ds as though nothing has happened. Yes he's proud of himself but that's enough for him. He doesn't need a big deal made of it.

CAitlin has also got through to the final of the talent contest, playing 'Wonderful tonight' as a duet with Beth on the clarinet. Of course now her confidence has gone through the floor so she will expect to fail at that too!

Hmm I remember my dad saying something similar when I got my degree result ( not exactly a fail but felt it at the time) and then having to go and give a Rotary speech. But hey, I gave the speech and a damn fine one it was too! Red rag and bull spring to mind.

Rollercoaster Day

Yet more ups and downs. Have to confess I have been less than consistent with my meds this week. It's an end of term thing. Back on the straight and narrow today...in other words I have got my new prescription, have felt shit, spaced, lonely, annoyed and incredibly tired, but it is now 12.50am the ironing is done and I am sorely tempted to go and clear out my wardrobe.

This really is the usual end of term reaction. The problem this year is that I haven't actually had any time to go through the low phase because I have had stuff to do and have had no time on my own. That's one of the weird things. I feel really lonely at the moment inspite of never being on my own or able to make my own decisions about what to do. Ant said i looked like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders this morning but I so couldn't talk to him. How do you put it into words? Even he is starting to sound concerned about the application, though.

Kids had their sports day today. C's house , Blencathra, won. I don't quite understand why Roo isn't in the same house. Neil and I agreed that our sports day was superb by comparison. I appreciate we have fewer children but the whole thing works like clockwork, the children organise themselves, and as for the results, well the spreadsheets are fantastic! Smug, smug, smug! Anton told me off for saying 'we do a good sports day'. I have started saying 'they'.

Did all the ironing today, just so I can start sorting out what we're taking. Sure fire sign I am getting back to normal.

Next crisis will be my weight again. One problem, with being at home when Ant is, is that we go out for breakfast every day. Bad move but it will stop when the kids are on hols. They are such a good incentive.

At 1.00 I think I need to call it a day. Spare room again I think (or basement..there's a better reading light down there)
Had better add that y head is suddenly strting to race. My forehead is feeling tight and movement is rather more jerky. My jaw has clamped too, sign of things to come? Better go to bed , NOW

Joining bandwagons

I know, I know, these are all over the internet right now but it had to be done. I wanted to be fatter and dumpier but C wouldn't let me!

Sort of finished at school again today. That's to say went in, did my paperwork ( about 10 months earlier than I usually do), picked up some stuff, dropped off a big box of books for the library ( from my kids) and tried not to make too much mess (some hope). It felt very odd and rather final. I have no desire to go in again. Jane is already backing the boards and making the place her own, though Sara may have something to say about that!
It is interesting how different people react to my junk. Sharon instantly reached for her purse when I gave her some picture books for Adam, whilst others just went 'Thanks' and buggered off. Not that I am bothered by selling stuff, I just think it's interesting.

Ant is not well again but we still managed an hour's run around with the kids in the park. I have promised them relatively undivided attention and this way we get fresh air and fun too. Tomorrow is Sport's Day and Roo's swimming so they'll get their exercise that way.

Dad was better this evening. He still gets confused and thinks we are living in NZ but he always manages to remember Anton , even when Ant is at home. Mum looked a bit stressed but at least she has had some 'her-time' this week.

Ups and Downs

Woke up snapping apparantly! I felt Ant was snapping too but as ever it was my fault. We went for a walk on the Scar, starting in brilliant sunshine and ending up drenched in ice cold rain. Managed to have a cuddle at the bandstand but by then I needed it. Ant had a go at me for snapping and I felt he was saying that I was responsible for all my actions and that he didn't need to help the situation with my moods. He does seem to be rather selfish at times. He hadn't mentioned to my mum the possibility of her picking the kids up if we went paragliding, which I felt was a matter of respect. Given what is going on in her life I feel we can't take her for granted.

Managed to get myself sorted ( had a good cry, pointed out how helpless I feel, how I am convinced that NZ will reject me coz of my condition).

Had a lovely lunch at the Wheatsheaf, felt slightly underdressed (shorts and muddy legs) but enjoyed the hotpot.

Other achievements:
Posted on freecycle, got rid of one bed, plastic drawers, shelf, a few albums and a guitar (and not for free either); nearly got rid of the boys too but the chap was having a heart op and had no one else to look after them whilst he is in hospital-ho hum!
Played in the park for a hour with the kids and some other youngsters who got stuck in when we played pig in the middle.
Sorted a box of books for school.

Didn't manage to even start the ironing. Ah well