Caffeine

I had an espresso yesterday afternoon at 2.30. Finally got to bed at 1am. Didn't feel spaced but did seem to get a lot of things done, washing tidying laundrying blogging, even managed to read a little of my book!

Go caffeine!

Billy Joel Euphoria

What a fantastic night. So many songs I had not heard for such a long time. What a showman!

Even Anton liked the show!

Mmmmmm

jo ashcroft -- [adjective]: Tasting like strawberries 'How will you be defined in the sexual dictionary?' at QuizUniverse.com

Hmm told you

You Are 52% Abnormal

You are at high risk for being a psychopath. It is very likely that you have no soul. You are at high risk for having a borderline personality. It is very likely that you are a chaotic mess. You are at low risk for having a narcissistic personality. It is unlikely that you are in love with your own reflection. You are at medium risk for having a social phobia. It is somewhat likely that you feel most comfortable in your mom's basement. You are at low risk for obsessive compulsive disorder. It is unlikely that you are addicted to hand sanitizer.

How Abnormal Are You?

What a week

Where do I start? I have felt so rough this week that I didn't think I would survive!

Caitlin came home in tears,saying Mrs Moss has had a go at her, over her diary , or lack thereof. She apparantly had a go about the fact that C always loses things, never completes homework and thinks homework is beneath her because she is so good at school. I went in and burst into tears, and explained about mental health and how sometimes C can't concentrate on anything. Mrs Moss was very understanding; I guess she had to be with a tearful mother on her case.

Didn't exactly set me up for the day although school went very well. Iwas finally asked to cover year three, with a proviso that I can have my part time role back when Sara comes back from maternity leave...if she comes back.

Another rumour abounds that our favourite person has been suspended for 'hitting' a child. Is this the straw which breaks the camel's back.

Finally, Mrs Ferrie was in and asked me if I would take Year One next year. I nearly laughed in her face! She's a bit of a whirlwind, I'll say that for her!

Anton has asked to go out tomorrow and next weekend, inspite of a conversation about fairness. I am not happy!

confusion

Once again the depression descends. I am feeling unhappy, bloated, fat, unwanted, unable to do anything etc etc etc. See can't even finish a sentence!!

I feel I just can't cope with anything ( global statement) I have so many jobs to do that I get lost in deciding what to do first. I desperately want to go for a run but it is so hot that I think I'd collapse. But I need to do something.

I may have to start another blog to write down my eating habits as at the moment they are shit! Chocolate fixes and an inability to cook, or rather decide on what to cook. I feel I am letting me and my family down! I just want to curl up in a corner and go to sleep!
THE KEY TO YOUR HEART QUIZ ANSWER
You are attracted to obedience and warmth.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

Just felt like getting someone else to tell me something about myself!

Alcohol!

I suppose I only have myself to blame but I feel shit. It is exactly four days since my last alcoholic drink and yep my head is as far from being happy as it is possible to be.

I can't decide if this means I should give up drink completely or just have a little every night and ward off the mood swings that way. An interesting subject for testing I think!

Managed to get lots of washing done as well as completing the whole of our form teacher reports. I think my mood swing may well have affected one or two but I'm sure Aud will edit them well.

Having a blog is a useful way of noting successes... and not so good episodes. Must be therapeutic!

Ate far too much today, and watched myself do it. I would love to lose weight but I can't be bothered. A bit like running at present but I think both would be easier with support, but from whom???

Am feeling lost!

A baptism of fire

I played my first ever proper tennis match tonight.

I was shite. I had so many nerves and couldn't string any shots together!

At least I didn't get upset so I suppose that's a major step forward.

Arghhh

Holidays are all very well but the unpacking is a nightmare. Hubby didn't do any clearing up yesterday when I was off doing the results for the Garburn race. So there is sand everywhere, tonnes of washing to do, stuff all over the place and myhead slightly offthe lines.

That may have something to do with second child not being able to find his reading book this morning...I should know by now that it will be in school. I have got so much work to do, I've not started my reports yet (!) and if the house isn't just so I can't settle to do them.

Ah well the holiday was nice whilst it lasted!

Just trying to post a picture to the side bar

Beauty

Caitlin's

photos

from

The Eden Project

Happy Holidays

What a fabulous week! We've just come back from a glorious week in Cornwall, staying in a house two minutes from the beach and three minutes from 'Planet Ice', an addictive ice cream and coffee shop.

It was an interesting group of people. I wasn't sure it was going to work but we all had a good time. There were Paul and Roselle and their lovely kids, Frankie and Ciaran, Gordon and Heather and theirs, Laura(7) and Oliver (5) and the four of us. Finally Al came over to be our token singleton.

Frankie and Ciaran were only little so spent their time with their mum mostly, but the other kids got on really well, even Caitlin and Laura who were very similar personalities.

The weather was superb, two days of blustery wind and then SUNSHINE, SUNSHINE, SUNSHINE. The kids spent so long in the sea we had to get them wetsuits. In fact Roo only burnt on his hands and feet so he looks as though he has pink gloves and socks on. Needless to say I felt very guilty about the sunburn both on him and on Caitlin. Why don't fathers have such guilt trips?

We had a lovely day at the Eden project too. It was just the most amazing place, almost spiritual in its atmosphere




It's strange to be back with uni friends now we are growed ups. Especially seeing how people are with their children. We seem to come across as quite laid back parents. We praise our kids and hug them. They may be sensitive kids but they care about each other and share so well. Caitlin was 'a natural' at everything mostly cricket and bodyboarding. But are we doing it right? We did seem to be the least stressed!

I was amazed by the amount of alcohol and chocolate we got through. I did the recycling at the end of the week and there were so many cans. I made a conscious decision that I would allow myself to drink some. I only got 'drunk' on one night ( our night out with Paul and Roselle). It was very funny, I talked drivel but I didn't care. Seeing four o'clock in the morning was entertaining...going for a run at 8 was too. I had to mask the palpitations somehow!!!

Al had a hard time. She'd been involved in a car accident on her way down ( hitting a 90 year old who stepped out in front of her). She made it down on Monday night but was obviously very shaken and taking it very hard. It was the first time I'd been aware of how intense she can be especially when she's drunk. Shecould havedone with a longer chat with Ant but the others, mostly Paul seemed to take over. Who's the professional here?

Overall a brilliant week. I felt very relaxed and incontrol of me. I was aware I didn't make as much of an effort with the cooking, but I can do a mean washing up!

And it only took us 5 1/2 hours to get home! Excellent!

Ouch!!!

What a day!

First I had to go to the dentists with the kids. I was OK, just needed a clean. Roo has lost one tooth but the others are taking their time to come out. They are obviously as laid back as he is. Caitlin is another issue. She has very crooked and cramped teeth and had to have a filling. She cried a lot about that as she had to have an injection which left her lips numb for three hours. She may need a brace when she is older too unless her teeth correct themselves. She's already worrying about it, but at least Anton can reassur her. He had a brace, whereas my teeth just went into place as I got older.

Then I had to go to the doctors to have my coil replaced. Oh my god it was painful! The doctor was cool and very efficient and the nurse was amazing, really supportive, and kept me distracted. I now have rather severe stomach cramps which I am not used to.

So then school, well after Asda's anyway. We were asked to tidy the communal areas.I said I already had a communal area and had put rather a lot of effort into it! I then took it upon myself to ask about next year. Well I have to know. I managed to force Neil to listen to us but he's so non commital! Hopefully both Jayne and I can finda satisfactory solution for next year.

Next issue, how often is normal for sex? How about never? I have so many inhibitions, not least of which is my weight, and so does Anton.Now I don't drink it's even worse. He queried it today, as I had put myself through so much agony for contraception. What can I say? where's the porn channel????

Hmm is this true?

This was a link from Melly's blog which I thought I'd try. Not sure I agree with the answer though. Especially today.

You Are Apple Red

You're never one to take life too seriously, and because of it, you're a ton of fun. And although you have a great sense of humor, you are never superficial. Deep and caring, you do like to get to the core of people - to understand them well. However, any probing you do is light hearted and fun, sometimes causing people to misjudge you.

What Color Red Are You?

We have a new head. Lindsey Ferrie, uberhead, major over achiever, probably the best choice and certainly somebodywho can deal with Mrs Music. Strangely as a result of the appointment, I've had a bit of a crisis of conscience. I have no confidence again. I guess I used to be the over achiever but now I've gone...' I'm a poor musician, I'm an average teacher, I have little ambition ( or is that true?) and I feel a failure at most things. My head is off the lines again; I'm fat, spotty messy and out of control. Shit!

Lessons went well today; really pleased with the flipchart I created and using strings to reproduce a practical food web.

Trouble is that isn't enough to make me feel better.

You Are Animal

A complete lunatic, you're operating on 100% animal instincts. You thrive on uncontrolled energy, and you're downright scary. But you sure can beat a good drum. "Kill! Kill!"

The Muppet Personality Test

That's better!

You Are Scary

You even scare scary people sometimes!

How Scary Are You?

Even better!

How You Life Your Life

You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside. You're laid back and chill, but sometimes you care too much about what others think. You prefer a variety of friends and tend to change friends quickly. Some of your past dreams have disappointed you, but you don't let it get you down.

How Do You Live Your Life?

What can I say?

Your Ideal Pet is a Cat

You're both aloof, introverted, and moody. And your friends secretly wish that you were declawed!

What's Your Ideal Pet?

I think I'm addicted!

I think I'd betterstop and bookmark the site instead

What Your Face Says

At first glance, people see you as warm and well-balanced. Overall, your true self is passionate and physical. With friends, you seem dramatic, lively, and quick to react. In love, you seem like a huge flirt. In stressful situations, you seem selfish and moody.

What Do People Think Of Your Face?

Couldn't resist! Addictive personality ( especially on a Friday when Ant is doing other things!)

Family!

So we have a new headteacher but we don't know who? Our Deputy really ought to let us know coz I'm sure he knows but we obviously don't count for anything.

The children are really missing their dad, he's in London all week.They are really clingy, C wants to sleep in my bed and R feels ill. I wouldn't mind but they don't tend to pay much attention to him ( orhe them)when he's here.

Been to the gym again. Feeling virtuous although I'm still eating very badly. I just can't be bothered to cook, especially when Anton is away. Still feeling calm and centred, have updated the IT policy ready for typing up.

What will tomorrow bring?

Calm descends???

Iam finally taking no Depakote, only citalopram and lamotrigine. I've noticed that my appetite has changed. I'm still eating badly...too much chocolate, but at least not as much of it. I'm having real trouble eating healthily. Not surewhat that is about. I figure it's probably stress. The governorsstill haven't informed us who the new head is going to be, but since our least favourite candidate was called back, the witches are not hopeful. We really do cackle like the three witches when we get started. ~Hubble, bubble, toil and especially trouble-



My hair is looking interesting. Lots of layers of different colours. It looks great when it's straight but I'm not so convinced it'll look as good curly. Oh for straight hair!
I've found I'm thinking fairly straight too of late. Apart from the obvious upset of last week with that horrid little man, I've been very centred. I'm proud of my assembly on emails, with all its hyperlinks. The children were really engaged, learned something and laughed a lot. Can't be bad!

I've also solved the problem of having no email accounts for our classes. Only took two days. I have been rather useful in school from an ICT sense. I've led the staff meeting on updating the IT policy, shown off our new software, as well as troubleshooting one of the candidate's presentations, although not well enough that her hyperlinks worked. ~She should have been better prepared. I had warned the Governors that there might be aproblem. Maybe they will listen to me sometimes now.

That said one of the governors did ask my opinion. He is the most personable of the bunch but it was weird since the Head of theSenior School was standing with him. I think I made my points soundly enough. I could justify everything I said and the nice Gov. agreed with me on one of the candidates having no prescence...or eye contact.

We are waiting with bated breath to find out the result. Boy are we hoping!

It makes a change for me to post on a day when I'm feeling alright. I think I'm compensating for the very disturbed night I had (roo's earache) by trying to achieve something. I have ironed, cleaned out the 'boys', updated the blog, put two loads of washing on and done quite a reasonable amount of sewing whilst the children were at karate.

out of my tree

I am so very very depressed. I've been criticised for trying to be helpful at school, by people who wouldn't know if I existed or not.
I can't hold back the tears. I can't eat. My head is so muddled. What should I do?

I've created an assembly and revised the ICT policy but feel terribly depressed. I can't do this. I want my head to end now

I am so down. I couldn't go to the gym, or for a run. I mean what's the point? I guess my pills just aren't working yet/ at all?

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

Mania and exhaustion

So the new dosage hasn't kicked in! Wednesday I was so hyper. I worked from morning till night, clearing out the shed, going to the tip with the pee ridden carpet ( thanks cats), buying paint, washing, ironing, trying to think of what I was going to teach tomorrow. I was annoyed that i had to sit and watch the kids paddling in the river.I still felt I had so much to do. I managed to cook tea, gorgous curry but then wanted to carry on. Listened to the kids read ( Dr Who books are a tad tedious) and finally flaked in time for the "Apprentice". And I predicted the outcome...who says Anton was the better recruitment bod. I reckon I could hire really well!

Trouble with the mania is the depression that comes after it. I was so emotional the next day. Our maintenance man upset me, though he is a jerk. All over whether the computer room benches actually needed extra legs. He was warned not to mess with me! Then Bea was aggressive ( she'd put non rechargables in the recharger and they nearly exploded) which made me feel worse and no one could understand why I was so upset. Those who do know about my condition just knew to leave me alone.

Today I just feel angry. The children eventually worked well but couldn't sort out their stuff for themselves. I'm sure they all get pandered to at home, probably dressed by their parents. AND THEY ARE NINE!!!!! Four of them are leaving at the end of the year and frankly they've already left. I felt so angry and so strict, not to mention shouty. And that's not me.

Kids are going to stay with Granny tomorrow for a couple of days so we have an afternoon together. Shame School's Open Day is going to monopolise the morning. It'll be chaos...a circus based theme, my circus skills group are sooooo not organised...not enough warning, who knows who will turn up, prospective heads or new parents or old parents. Who do we concentrate on? Who do we talk to most ?

WHO KNOWS? At least I've found all the candidates now. Google is a wonderful invention. 10 minutes and I'd found all but the one who works in Chile!!!! I think the Governors were impressed. Hope so!

Oh so tired

Today seemed very difficult like I was running to catch up and always behind. I knew I had to get to Asda and wanted to do something with the kids, being a Bank Holiday and all, but I had to include a plasterer and a husband into the equation. I also wanted to take mum for a drive in my hire car ( she loved it, even though dad was in the car too)

M and D had had a bit of a falling out about his drugs, whether he took them or not. She apparantly ranted at him but frankly I couldn't put up with him. We have to remember that she needs to get out of the house occasionally. She is much younger than him (86 and 68) and he is becoming very feeble. She has to have a life too. She'sgoing to Weight Watchers with Jacce again so that should help!

The children and I went to the Wildlife Oasis. Roo wanted to go to Blackpool but there just wasn't time. We had a lovely time. I love the ants, the chameleons, the rats ( especially the rats!! and their babies), the fossa and their offspring... It's only a tiny zoo but so quaint!

I went to play tennis tonight and again had a good craic. Denise seems to take everything very seriously ( shy?) but Heather. Chris and Howard were good fun. It took me a good three games to get my act together. Before that I was pants!!!


I found a picture of myself online last night, part of the Hawkshead set. God I looked fat! I had a baggy fleece on and my running tights and I looked awful. It has spurred me into action though I feel slightly spaced> I need to get fitter and lose a bit of weight so I can move more efficiently.

I need to amke sure I drink more water coz my joints are feeling very stiff and sore. My hip hasn't been right since I went 'rollerblading' with Caitlin. I use the term lightly. I think I may have to take cod liver oil or something, must look that up!

I've reduced the depakote to two so it will be interesting to see if I get withdrawals. I already feel odd. Watch this space!

Head alert!

It's been a reasonable week, all in all. I tried lowering my depakote by one pill, but felt so stressed by the middle of the afternoon that I had to take another one.

I've been buzzing this week, school has been particularly good. I have felt very involved, especially with the arrangements for interviewing the new head. It was really funny when the Deputy Head couldn't work out the timetable but three women managed on their own to come up with three identical ones. Men huh!

We managed to get some articles onto the Elleray blog too, all about our pond dipping expedition. I've never seen the children so animated about getting their ideas on computer.

I am feeling so fat and unfit at the moment. Even when I go to the gym or for a run, and especially when I play tennis, I just feel incapable. I have joined the club that Chris is a member of. I'm hoping that I can persuade hubby to have the odd game with me but frankly he'll wipe me off the court! We're not spending too much time together at the moment. We had been trying to go climbing and for the odd walk but it's tailed off. I even gave up going to yoga so we had more time together but we now seem to have less time. And trying to organise it so I can get to tennis is even worse. No wonder I'm feeling stressed.

Chelsea won the premiership at last, beating Man U 3-0. It was a beautiful game as well. I must go and check ebay to see if Mourinho' medal is up. I wouldn't part with it but hubby thinks otherwise.

Must try to sleep

Exercising well!

I am feeling so much better of late. Since I've started to reduce the Depakote, I feel more stable and more motivated...and less hungry which has to be a good thing. I've also started to exercise more. Today I jogged to the gym, did a decent workout including a twenty minute run ( on the back of Hawkshead!!) and some good arm weights!

I then managed to go out and play tennis this evening. I had a really good craic in a women's doubles match, where no one took anything too seriously! He who must be obeyed took things very seriously!

I will ache tomorrow but at least I don't have to get up to make sandwiches, as the children are more than capable of making Roo's lunch on their own