Motivation...

I spent yesterday in bed, partly the after effects of the flu and keeping going when all those around me were failing one by one and partly I am sure because my body and my head in unison said I needed to. I slept almost all day and feel much improved as a result.

I am however still concerned about my lack of motivation. I forced myself to go to Weight watchers today. I had been doing really well (7kgs off) until three weeks ago when I hit a significant number and my head said 'That will do! You can do it on your own!" Downhill from then, then! My daily routine has been shot. I still haven't managed to work out when to exercise on a Tuesday (sewing class) or Wednesday (work) or Thursday (WW). Yes I know there are things called evenings but before mornings were my thing and if I missed a day it didn't matter. Again I could get up earlier but it is so cold at the moment and as I have said the motivation is lacking!

Still I bit the bullet today. Only a 1.2kg gain after about four weeks of eating whatever I fancied and, whilst today has been a struggle, I did manage to do 20 minutes on the stationary bike. I know I am capable of up to an hour but even a little is better than I have done for the last month. I still can't believe it is that long.

I am concerned that this is still a symptom of my condition. That the drugs aren't working or perhaps are working and this is a side effect. And I am of course concerned that we are coming into Spring which, according to Kaye Redfield Jamieson, is the most dangerous time to those living with bipolar disorder.  Still depressed from the winter but the beginnings of Spring brings new energy, energy to do something about the blackness.

SO...to feel that I am healing...I need a routine, a plan of action. This WILL include daily exercise (biking, running, Wii fit), tracking my food and sleeping properly. That one is so important. Recovery requires rest.

Luckily WW still allows me to go out for brunch with a mate on Saturday-can't beat buttermilk pancakes :-)



Hugs peeps!

Bleh!

The whole family is sick! First one kid got the lurgy and recovered. Then the second kid got it. Then I got it. Then we went away to Ohakune so they could ski and I could chill. I was ill and then hubby got it. I can tell you, driving 4.5 hours home was not fun, when I was suffering, but it was better than watching him driving with his eyes streaming and nose running.

He is of course in bed now with man flu! The kids are at school though child one is leaving early! Child two is laid back and will cope!

We went away with some friends including a five year old (five going on 30 so she got on well with child one!). I find it difficult to be sociable for any length of time and this was no exception. I had however already said I wasn't skiing. I'd hit my head on a ski lift the last time I went  (in Sweden) and it has scared me so much (together with my fear of heights and speed and dislike of cold) that I leave that to Ant and the kids.

Thankfully I was left alone all Saturday. I walked 10k to Ohakune and back-not feeling well enough to run, drank coffee, ate badly, watched Dr Who and did cross stitch. Probably just as well as my one friend was winding me up so much I was threatening to lose it. Everything was wrong, everyone else was being unreasonable, everything was about her. Such a palaver! Some days I think I should say something, like 'grow up' and most days I bite my lip, send texts to hubby going Argghhh and watch her partner wind her up with a smile!

How can you stay miffed with a view like this one?

Ohakune, famous for its giant...

So now I face lots of washing, a tonne of ironing left from last week, a brain that still feels cloudy and a body that doesn't want to run. Sluggish doesn't cover it! I have lost the plot slightly on my weightwatchers journey so trying to regain control this week and really proving hard. Fingers crossed. At least I didn't succumb to a date scone on top of my cereal this morning.

I 'should' be working, planning my lessons for Wednesday, writing notes on my class for the Deputy to see how much they are benefitting from my input, but frankly I can't be......, there is tomorrow not touched!!! Well apart from going to my sewing class of course.

Right now lunch :-)

Very very not good

So am I depressed because I am not running? Or am I not running because I am depressed?
What I do know is I haven't run for a week, I have eaten far too much chocolate and I have been very very tired. I feel like this week has been full on, well it has.

Everyone has had something on: Mathex (twice), school trip to the Botanic gardens (which included a gashed leg and an ambulance-though not my child), physio appointment for the broken finger, tennis lessons, netball supporting, ferrying here, there and everywhere,parents' meetings and a meeting with Caitlin's 'advisor' who has her schooling sorted out for the next three years!!!.

On top of this of course were my morning class and work , oh and I decided I needed to sort out my sewing room as I couldn't see the floor,and the Laingholm Quiz night including superhero costume.

How do people do it? How do you have a full time job and still have time to feed people, look after the house and do all the things listed up there?

Something has to give and this week it appears to have been my head. I have been low but keeping going. I did manage to cancel a run (though probably would have benefitted from it) and have a lie in this morning but after cleaning the kitchen and sorting out sick kid and worrying about school kid I had nothing left.

I spotted on the paper that there was an ice hockey match on (West Auckland Admirals and Southern Stampede) at the local rink and having not been for about 20 years I decided to take the boy. It was so good to be out, away from the stresses of running a house, especially a messy and slightly less than clean one. A fast sport and violent too!!!

So now an early night to try to recoup some energy and then start again tomorrow. Need to do some exercise and remind myself I am supposed to be on a health kick and it has been working and needs to continue. Just hoping I can have the house to myself just once this week. Hubby working from home does not help the head!!!

Circumstantial!

Things have conspired against me today. I have been losing weight recently and Thursday is weigh in day. The problem however is that I don't eat till after weigh in and I often feel odd when I don't eat early in the morning. Today was such a day.

Hubby decided he wanted to meet me for coffee, so I said I would not stay to the meeting and text him to say I was on my way, which I did. But then he pfaffed. He was ringing the garage,they weren't answering, he tried again, then let's meet in one place then another and then, he hadn't even left. It finally got to 11am before I had coffee and something to eat. I think this had a bad effect on my head. There were tears, he picked me up on everything I didn't say quite right. I wanted to kick him...HARD!! Thankfully he has gone to bed so I can chill! But the day has gone.

I keep making excuses; I'm tired, I'm no 100% well, I have stayed up late watching the Olympics, I was up at 3am with something stuck in my throat (or so it felt)

I have reacted to things today. It annoyed me that a friend accused me of not transferring some money to her account when I had ( did she think I was the sort of person who wouldn't?); another friend is suggesting we dress up as geriatric superheroes for a quiz because we could do grey hair and walking sticks...

BUT I have grey hair and I'm not geriatric. Today I have felt very sensitive about it. I choose to have grey hair. I have been grey since I was 18 and I dyed it for years. THIS is me, it is my hair, my colour, it suits me and why should I hide it? I know hubby thinks I am being stupid but my self image today is not great and that was the last straw.

I think maybe I need to get my book and curl up on the sofa. Hubby is up early doing extras work so I may decide to sleep elsewhere.

Tomorrow is another day, I guess!

Sleep? What's that?

I went back to see my new psychologist this week. So far so good it seems. The epilim is agreeing with me, I don't appear to have any side effects ( at least none I have noticed) and my head is clearer. My blood tests tell me I am completely normal-Yeah right!!!! About the only bit of me that is normal!!!

He asked me if I was sleeping alright. Interesting question I said. I fall asleep really fast when I go to bed but since I have been seeing him we have had Wimbledon and now the Olympics. As a sports fan how does he expect me to develop great sleeping patterns???

I did stay up all night to watch Andy Murray play the Wimbledon final (remember I am in New Zealand) and frequently this week bed time has been after midnight. Last night was my worst. I had a sewing project to finish for a swap and was so close I couldn't stop. Then the women's marathon was on, then the women's boxing and of course then Andy Murray was playing Federer in the tennis final. It wasn't shown here but with Twitter and Facebook I could read about every stroke. I think I gave up at about 2am, sewing project finished, and curled up on the sofa.

How can I go to sleep early? I might miss something and I can always do other things when I am watching the sport! Only another week to go I guess and then I can try to get into better habits.

Didn't stop me running ten kilometres this morning and getting some work done. Maybe feeling guilty for being so self indulgent last night.

Worth losing sleep over!

May be I'll have a nap now :-)

Hugs